Happy birthday ‘Murica!, happy independence day, but whatever you do, don’t fucking call it the 4th of July.
That’s right rebels! It’s that time of year again where we raise up our flags, fire up our bbq’s and blow shit up to commemorate this God blessed creation otherwise known as the closest thing to utopia you’re ever gonna find on this planet. Don’t believe me?, go anywhere else and fucking stay there! ‘Murica is divine, ‘Murica is armed, ‘Murica is protected and all of its only possible because of God, guns & guts which regardless of whatever the fuck you’ve heard by really stupid people, are the majority and we aim to keep it that way. Get it? Aim? Phrasing. If I could, I’d buy this ol’ girl a giant God damn stripper cake to let you her know just how much she means to me with Jesus in full tactical gear poppin’ out with an AR in each hand! That and I just happen to like capitalist pole dancer names like Bambi, Candy, Chastity, Charity, Cinnamon or Fantasia. Whatever happen to normal names like, I’ll blow ya in the parking, give you a hand job behind the dumpster or for and extra fifty, you can stick it in my ass? “A Real Man always thanks God for everything he’s been provided, and has no qualms whatsoever with droppin’ the motherfuckers that wanna take it all away.”
Hey folks, John D. The ARMed Comic here and today, I’d like to spend a few minutes telling you what I hope you already know about ‘Murica, but more importantly, will share with those that don’t about this great land of ours. Worry not, this won’t be another boring ass history lesson, because I’m not that fucking basic, you can find that information everywhere, although you best hurry the fuck up before they erase it all. To tell you the truth, i wasn’t there myself, although I sometimes wish i were, because I really feel like i could have been. I mean where the fuck else would this lifelong obsession with ‘Murican fucking history come from in the first God damn place. Come to think of it, why are so many men consumed with ‘Murican history if it wasn’t inspired by G.O.D.? Riddle me that shit bitches. “A Real Man never forgets the days of old, so he doesn’t have to fucking repeat them.”
God gave us every human right we have. We were all created equal, and endowed by our creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Now i don’t know about you, but I ain’t bout to, not now, not ever, allow some mere fucking mortal, get to thinkin’ that his, her or it’s God damn feelings have any fucking business in my birthrights unless they’re ready to get taken the fuck out, which is how every real man should feel, because if you’re ok with anyone else’s shit gettin’ violated, it’s only a matter of time, before they get around to the loot you care about so get your ass movin’ defendin’ not only your gifts from the man upstairs, but everybody else’s so that all of us can survive and thrive. The almighty also, via the founding fathers gave us the constitution, not only guaranteeing all our freedoms, but the very idea of ‘Murica that has attracted the world’s best and brightest, darkest and lightest, true believers and been deceivers allowing all of us to go farther, faster and more unshackled than any society in all of recorded history combined. “A Real Man always gives credit where its due, thank you G! ‘Murica!”
That’s right histor-itards, if it weren’t for this very slave whippin’, rapin’, book denyin’ country that you built all by yourselves in spite of not bein’ able to fuckin’ read a set of plans, yo ass would still be chained the fuck up today. So while you’re busy wipin’ you ass with, walkin’ on or burnin’ the most powerful symbol of unrestraint the world has ever known, don’t be surprised when a soldier who fights for it, a patriot who defends it or a legal immigrant who waits in line for it, knocks you the fuck out. I know i will! Lest you not forget, mostly because your ignant ass obviously never learned in the first God damn place, this 241 year old ground zero of the roughly 12,000 years of civilization was the fastest of all to end cotton picken’, master fukin’ & perusal beatings losing hundreds of thousands of good men in the process and most of the civilized countries as usual, followed our lead. A practice we’ve never fucking stopped, having fought in more wars for the liberation of more people than all other nations combined. Believe it or not ‘Murica is the most benevolent of all provinces. It’s the whole Christian values thing. You might wanna look it up dipshit! Oh, and by the way, bondage still fucking exist, all over the God damn globe, just not here! Desecrate that hisdiot! “A Real Man never sits idly by while history is being re-written, he simply abolishes the fuckheads attempting to do it.”
Care to guess what tool was used in all that fuckin’ elbowroom fighting? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. That’s right, muthafuckas, guns! You know, gats, heat, straps, or more like muskets, bolt actions & carbines. Tell em’ what he wins johnny! Well if you’re packin’, totin’, slingin’ or flingin’ you have the ability to defend yourself from tyranny, the likes of which ‘Muricans did after they fled Europe to continue to practice the religion of their choice while those British pricks continued to tax the fuck out of them and tell them how to live over here from over there. You also have the capacity to tell your government and everyone in it to fuck off an die, come and take em’, live free or die, just like ‘Muricans did with King George the third when he thought he was captain asshole. The ‘Murican revolution as most things ‘Murican is the greatest of all time, not only because of ‘Murica, but what she’s meant for the rest of the world. God made ‘Murica, the shining city on the hill, the greatest of all time in spite of how bad you think it is, to be the example for everyone else to follow as usual. Unfortunately, we’ve picked up some lost souls along the way that are more interested in having lots of fucking power, lining their own God damn pockets & implementing their own fucktarded agendas than living by Gods example to make ‘Murica great, again. But that’s why we have hardware, to run these satanic, dictatorial fucks off or take them fucking out to pasture for good. I prefer the latter and so did our co-creators and that’s why it’s in our constitution. “A Real Man always has a piece or 2 or 10, because you never fucking know when we might have to reboot this bitch.”
The last thing i’d like to mention in this homage to the land of the free is guts, brass clangers, big swingin’ sweaty, taters, because of all the things this country has always had, this is the one that gets shit done. To put it into context for you, when we declared our independence from the fucking crown, it was the greatest go fuck yourself in the history of mankind. The family jewels on these out manned, out ordnanced, out financed peasants to thinks they could rise up against the arrogant, red coat, wanker, fucks and win? That’s right tea bags. The sons of liberty, our founding fathers and patriots alike all signed their own death warrants the second they decided to become a free and independent ‘Murica fuck yeah! They didn’t have social media so they could keyboard warrior their grievances, they didn’t have the us coalition forces to help them battle the bastards, they didn’t have the best of weapons, training or even God damn shoes in some cases. All they had was their mettle, the desire to be free and for their children to grow up somewhere they could do whatever their hearts desired. ‘Murica is the greatest fucking underdog story the world has ever heard, because of the great ‘Murican fighting soldier that lives inside of each and every one of us real men with the stones to keep her divine, armed and protected. “A Real Man never loses his way, his arms or his courage, but you might wanna fuckin’ retreat while you still have time if ya know what’s best for ya.”
This is John D. The ARMed Comic and chances are if you’re watching my shit, you’re the kind of ‘Murican I’m talkin’ bout in this video. Happy birthday America, God bless you and God bless ‘Murica! No go exercise your God given right to like, comment, share and blast everyone you fucking know!
Guns up rebels!