Fun, Legacy, Mission, Relationships, Responsibility - posted on July 4, 1776 by

DOIN’ THIS FOR YOU PART 1 – A Real Man Explains How Much Sacrifice It Really Takes To Be A Real Man Father

A Real Man

These collective stories are all about slamming on the breaks to everything in my life, not going to prison for killing every single motherfucker that deserved it & getting my temper under control to raise you, my one and only son right & teach you everything I could possibly think of good or bad.

Havin’ kids is a bitch. It’s like slammin’ the fucking breaks on every hope, dream & aspiration you’ve ever had in your entire life, simultaneously, unless of course you’re like most women and having kids was your only & every hope, dream & aspiration you’ve ever fucking had since the second you came out of the last woman with the exact same original fucking epiphany, but for A Real Man who intends on being fucking present for his child’s childhood, or someone with a sincere desire to accomplish something truly unique, unlike bringing another 18 year contractual obligation into the world, like say, inventing electricity, writing one of the greatest books in the history of mankind or building an empire from scratch, it’s like hitting a fucking brick wall with your face at a 100 miles per hour on a fucking bicycle, which could have easily been avoided entirely by simply tapping the brakes, unlike getting a woman pregnant which unfortunately, there are no brakes for, only propellants and accelerants to the tune of jet fuel and C4 and most rational people would opt out of plowing teeth first into cinder block. Oh sure, you can wear a condom or cum in her mouth, as long as she doesn’t poke a fuckin’ hole in that bitch or spit the contents out through a fucking Krazy Straw, directly into her own gash. She can even be on birth control, if she fuckin’ takes it. She could give you a hand job in a parking lot behind a convenience store on a warm sunny day, just make sure to cut off her fucking hand once she’s done. As far as I know there are only 3 possible ways not to get a girl pregnant in America today. A, never fucking meet her, 2, never, ever let her touch your dick and Charlie, fuck her exclusively in the ass, never allowing her grab your pecker except with the inside of her sphincter, using a condom, spermicide and flushing her out with a God damn fire hose when you’re done and finally, but most importantly get a fucking vasectomy now boy! “A Real Man always uses birth control, by shooting his fucking loads in the back of their throats and watching them fucking swallow it.”

Once you get snipped, somewhere around your 1st or 2nd birthday if you have any fucking brains at all, never, ever tell any girl including your grandbaby feenin’ mother and always make fucking sure you cum all over and inside of every one you ever bang raw dawg like she’s engulfed in flames and you’re trying to put her out with your dick, and as soon as she starts any shit of any consequence with you, which she will, since she’s a woman and been programmed to do since birth and cun’t fucking help herself, dump her immediately, citing her inability to get pregnant as the only reason. Then inform her, that you know for a fact that it must be her and her barren womb, because you’ve already had 3 other children from 3 entirely different bitches this year in alone, one of which who’s black, one with has gigantic fake titties and all of whom are way hotter than she could ever hope to be. Sounds bad, I know, but if you were actually with a girl that was worth a shit, she wouldn’t be obsessed with getting pregnant the very second she fucking met you, she wouldn’t be giving you any shit, of any consequence, whatsoever, on a regular fucking basis and she wouldn’t be way more concerned with getting anyone to father her children instead of getting to know the father of her children before having the God damn fucking children. “A Real Man always has a quality woman, or fucks and dumps a ton of sluts until she arrives.”

Look buddy, we live in Post Societal Apocalyptic America, which means if you’re the man modern society constantly demands you be, you’re totally fucked with no available options for getting un-fucked. However if you’re A Real Man, you have unlimited options and life as an American is all about freedom, at least it was supposed to be. Right now, being a white man in America is mostly fucking illegal, however being a white asshole in America is still completely fucking legal, secretly recording sex with women, illegal, using secret video to skirt baseless fucking rape charges, still legal, not paying child support, illegal as fuck, not being physically able to get a woman pregnant in the first fucking place, still totally fucking legal. Notice I say still, because once enough men wisen up and come over to the Rated ARM dark side and unlearn all the nonsensical, bullshit all their mothers, teachers, preachers, girlfriends, celebrities and the main stain media programmed into their fucking heads, the laws will change in order to continue to destroy each and every one of us and keep the sheep under blissful control. That’s ok, as A Real Man you’ll always find a way to survive, to include takin’ out those motherfuckers trying to destroy you, on their own fucking land, at their own God damn game before they make it over to yours. Being an asshole and being proud of it, never fucking a girl off video and getting a vasectomy have been the 3 pinnacle factors that have saved me the most amount of trouble and aggravation since my divorce and with any luck, they’ll do the same for you. “A Real Man always avoids trouble, by being an asshole, never fucking without a film crew present and shooting nothing but blanks.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I don’t love you son, I love you more than I ever thought I could possibly love anyone or anything, including myself, which I’ve done plenty of, I’m just saying that having you wasn’t a fucking choice, it wasn’t my God damn choice anyway and because that fucking choice was made for me without an ounce of God damn consultation or input from me whatsofuckingever, in spite of the fact that I was going to have to pay for all of it, welcome to ‘Merica, I had to make a couple of hard fucking choices on my own. At the time, I was finished with the military, or better yet, the politics of the assholes I got stuck working with in the service and my marriage and I was ready to get fucking divorced and start my whole fucking life over, again, from fucking scratch, again, but if it weren’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any God damn luck at all, so that was the exact fucking moment in time when your mom, my very fucking soon to be ex-fucking-wife, got fucking pregnant with you and extended my sentence and community service for another twenty God damn years. As a man with a fucked up childhood myself, not wanting to genocide yours, therefore breaking the unbreakable pattern that selfish pricks like my parents never even attempted to break, I decided to jump in on this whole parenting thing head fucking first with both fucking feet. “A Real Man always takes his responsibility as a parent seriously, even if it fucking ruins every other aspect of his life.”

Hi, I’m John D., your father and in this episode of Rated ARM TV, I’m gonna tell you the story of how I personally dismantled my own already incredibly awesome life in an attempt to give you, my one and only son a much better one than I had as a child, why it had to be done, and why this type of sacrificial behavior is one of the main ingredients of being A Real Man. Sometimes with life, fuck, most of the time, it is what it is and there ain’t fuckin’ shit you can do about it, but for me it took a very, very, very long fucking time to really get a handle on that one and stop asking fucking why which will only drive you fuckin’ nuts. So now that my shit was totally fucked, let’s see what the fuck I did about it. Choice # 1, I could’ve been your average selfish prick, divorced your mom, stayed put & rode that motherfucker out till the wheels fell off, that being my insanely successful burgeoning radio / nightclub & mobile DJ careers which would’ve immediately brought me mountains of money, piles of pussy and lasting local fame and God only knows what else in the long run. I gotta admit, that was a pretty sweet fuckin’ option. Choice # fucking 2, shitcan my entertainment journey to get your seriously medically challenged mother back home, 4000 fucking miles away from all my success, close to our useless fucking families to help us raise you, so you manage to make it to your first fucking birthday, in a place where I didn’t have a single fucking contact and even if my father who acted like he owned that whole fucking town he’d lived in for 20 fucking years had one, wouldn’t pick up the God damn phone to help me if his life fucking depended on it. And finally choice # 3 fuck her and fuck you, stay put, ship you both back home so I can keep doing my fucking thing and make something, anything other than what I’ve become, an old, angry, broke, business owner, still fucking chasing my dreams of entertaining people by speakin’ my fuckin’ mind. “A Real Man always has to make the hard choices, starting with not fucking killing your mother, with you inside her & dumping her body in the San Francisco Bay.”

Maybe after all the sarcasm and regret you’re probably pickin’ up on this harangue I’m puttin’ down, I decided to do the right fucking thing for you, not for me, fuck me! A moral curse that has plagued me throughout my entire fucking life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done untold volumes of seriously fucked up shit in my day, but most of those events just kinda happened organically, on their own, like Hank in Californication, or in direct retaliation to the shit someone did to me, (“I never fucked anybody over in my life, didn’t have it comin’ to them. You got that? ~ Scarface), whereas all the good I’ve ever done has mostly been a result of me forcing myself to fucking do it, not really ever wanting to, making my life way more fucking difficult and responsible than I ever cared for it to be and way more fucking boring than it ever should have been, not to mention the fact that even when you fuck yourself over to help someone out, most people don’t even give a fuck and immediately forget altogether. Totally not fucking worth it! Do it anyway, but don’t do it for them, do it for yourself! Be the best motherfucker you can be 24 hours a day 7 days a week, regardless of the useless fucking assholes around you. Unlike most people that are entirely too boastful about going to church, not drinking, not using curse words and the like, I am utterly disgusted by the lack of each of those I am able to partake in at any given moment. You wanna go to church, fucking go, but I don’t give a fuck and I speak to God every God damn day, usually using curse words. You don’t drink, fine, but Jesus himself made fucking wine which he also fucking drank so get off your God damn high horse, you self-righteous bitch, you don’t curse, what the fuck is wrong with you or better yet, what the fuck are you doing instead of all these things? In my experience, anyone who’s entirely too proud of not doing one thing or another is usually and privately doing something else, equally if not more fucked up than whatever they’re denouncing publicly. I don’t cheat on my wife, I only rape children, I don’t smoke, I only mainline heroin, I don’t fight, I fucking poison people. I don’t know about you, but I’ll take the former over the latter any God damn day of the week. “A Real Man never claims to be perfect, but he’s a lot less fucked up than you are.”

You may now be wondering what any of this crap has to do with the subject at hand, well if this story is indeed about raising you correctly, which it is, as your father it’s my fucking obligation to teach you the total opposite of the hypocrisy I was raised with, that its ok to be human, just try not to be. Try to be better than human or at least try to be a better human. In my attempts to do as I say and not as I do, thank you parents once again, I decided on choice # 2, which was best for you & your mother, but would fuck me longer, deeper and harder in the ass than I could have ever possibly imagined, maybe for the rest of my natural life. As A Real Man, that really is our lot in life, to suffer in order for those around us whom we care about, to suffer less. That’s why we are born with way fuck less feelings. I’m starting to think that’s the entire point of the story of Jesus. No problem, I just wish I was more of A Real Man at the time, it would have made the entire trek a fuck of lot easier to swallow instead of just choking to death on life’s big black dry cock. Ok, here’s the plan, I’ll pay off all my debts, get out of the service, burn the untapped 90 days of leave I’ve saved up for 6 fucking years, find a place to live, get a dead-end job and instead of having the life of a local celebrity making way more money than I actually worked for in short order since everything in that career came so fast and furious for me, I’ll just become another boring, upstanding, worker bee, robot, sheep in order to give you, my one and only son a stable life and home environment or at least I’ll try to do all that bullshit without putting a fucking gun in my mouth. At the speed and direction in which my entertainment pilgrimage was headed, all I could think about was every single episode of Behind The Music, which made me realize, I could either be a successful entertainer or a good father to you, but there was no fucking way I could do them both simultaneously, because those 2 roads have never fucking met. Don’t believe me, ask Will Smith & his supposedly straight skirt wearing faggot son! If that doesn’t do it for you, look at every single celebrity child, ever! All of them, totally fucking fucked in the head with no signs of slowing down anytime soon. “A Real Man always puts his children first, even if he’s already fuckin’ killin’ it at somethin’ else.”

So I started on a slightly different version of choice # 2 which quickly blew up in my fucking face almost immediately and still haunts me to this fucking day. After learning in tech school that if I found someone way fucking smarter than I was to study with and actually applied myself, I surprisingly, had the ability to do relatively well in my courses and on the tests, so now I just had to study a subject that didn’t make me wanna jump off a God damn cliff. Let’s see here, I’ve always been obsessed with music, I’ve made way more money with music than in any other way & I even got a production credit on a song that actually ended up being played in regular radio rotation after only one studio session sit in from me. Now all I had to do was to just go to the best or at least one of the best audio production schools in the country which happened to be in my home state about 2 hours away from my front door. Brilliant! I just paid off all my burdens, I have wide open Amex and GI Bills I have yet to take advantage of, now all I need is someone to help me raise you so that your sick mother doesn’t end up killing your little ass the first year of your life while I get my degree and then I’ll be well on my way to a high paying job in the music industry and home in time for dinner every single night. Yeah, I didn’t know what the fuck I was talking about, but for whatever reason, your mom’s mom, stepped up & promised to stay with us and watch over you and her, because my parents sure as fuck weren’t gonna do it while I went to school 12 hours a God damn day to get my education, 6 to 7 days a week in order to get it over with as fast as possible and begin providing the best life for you two that I possibly could. “A Real Man always counts on his family, when he fucking has one.”

In the process, I lost both my great uncle and my great cousin whom I was very fond of as well as my first uncle on the path to making myself a better man, because I made the rookie mistake of asking the only rich, i.e. millionaire relatives I knew I had, if they could loan me a little money till I graduated to make things a little easier on your sick mother and you, the endangered baby and my pre-historic mother in law. Being a little older and a little wiser now myself, I would never ask anyone for anything, mostly, because as a grown man, I now completely understand the indisputable fact that, in spite of the what sounds nice diarrhea constantly flowing out of everyfuckingone’s useless traps, no one really gives a fuck about anything except themselves & I’m not going to fucking get it anyway, but it is a bit strange to me that the very people or better yet, my fucking blood relatives, rich blood relatives, that wouldn’t loan or even give a fucking penny to a sure thing, but especially to a blood relative who by the age of 27, only because I’m a late fucking bloomer with no fucking Real Man training whatsofuckingever in my entire childhood, had already accomplished more than most people ever will in their entire lives. What made it all the more strange to me was the fact that I was always raised exclusively Cuban, in spite of the fact that I was fucking born in America & I was endlessly pummeled to believe it was the biggest God damn deal in the God damn world to have a Cuban son, in spite of the fact that my very own father couldn’t give a rats ass about his. The fact that you were the only possible chance for the family name to carry on turns out, didn’t mean fucking shit to anyone in reality, because every last one of all the fucking hypocritical shitheads that made the biggest God damn deal in the world about it for as long as I could possibly fucking remember, once you were actually on the fucking way, couldn’t give a runny, blood filled stool sample about it, about you or about me, at fucking all. You don’t get to pick your family, but you do however get to pick them off. Useless Fuckers! “A Real Man always forgives his family, once they’re fucking dead.”

That’s fine, I’ve done the math, I’ve emptied my credit cards, my school’s is already paid for courtesy of the blood, sweat and tears I poured out for Uncle Sam, I have a live in babysitter, now I just have to find a legal way to make some money on an insane school schedule for a year and a half, since your mom can’t work, graduate, get a job and make shit happen. I can do that! Oh wait, no I can’t, because her mom decided to change her fucking mind 3 days before we left for our new apartment. Ok, let me get this right, I’ve spent a billion hours of my life planning all this shit out for 6 fucking months based exclusively on the one fact that you volunteered to help us, I’ve already fucked myself out of my guaranteed successful as fuck job, well, 2 jobs and 1 high paying business, I’ve moved 4000 miles back here with no connections whatsoever to anyone and now you’ve just changed your fucking mind out of the God damn blue. Seems legit. I should be able to legally shank this stupid fucking bitch right, here right now. And now that I think about it and think about the fact that she’s a woman, she probably never really had any fucking intentions whatsoever of ever helping us out, but just getting her daughter back stateside so I wouldn’t leave her fucking homeless on the streets where we were stationed at the time. You know cuz as a woman, it doesn’t fucking matter at fucking all if you lie as long as your intentions are good. Fuck! What the fuck am I gonna do now? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Ok, I gotta get back in radio, immediately. Let me see if I can make something happen yesterday. So I get my air check tape and resume together, email and call every fucking station within a hundred fucking miles and finally get an interview. Please don’t forget, I’d already spent the last 3 years of my life as the most successful night / shock jock who was just about to pick up a morning show in a town with the exact same amount of people as the city I now live in and here I am suckin’ dick and gargling balljizz, just to get a fucking meeting with a raging cokehead whose illustrious radio career was just about implode. “A Real Man always depends on people to keep their promises, when he’s a fucking idiot.”

While this was all going on, I decided to give the civilian world and one of the oldest and largest telecom companies in the world a shot at employing someone technically qualified to build an entire communications infrastructure necessary to connect major cities end to end from the ground up by himself and believe it or not, after the longest fucking interview of my entire fucking life and passing a grueling 8 hour exam over the course of 2 fucking days, I was actually offered a job as the last man hired, starting at the absolute bottom, just above a janitor, regardless of my actual on the OJT experience or test scores, waiting for some old fuck to fucking die just so I could move up 1 rung on the ladder of success, on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week with a pager, working outside more than anyone else when the weather was at its absolute fucking worst in God damn fucking Florida which is saying really something. Way to go Unions! Why would you want the most qualified, most disciplined, go getter, when you could just take that man and turn him into a slave for morons who eventually drinks himself to death trying to maintain his sanity before ever getting a chance to spend his first fucking retirement check? Oh, now I get it. Let’s see, I just spent the last 6 fucking years in the Air Force, busting my ass, to elevate my knowledge from that of a total dumbshit to an expertly skilled Journeyman, taking and passing every fucking test known to man months ahead of everyone else who ever had the fucking job, living on call, with a pager, 24 hours a God damn day, 7 days a week, in the mud with a fucking shovel and pick axe in my hand, freezing my God damn nuts off, digging through permafrost which has 1000 rocks per square inch, by fucking hand, getting permanent fucking frostbite on both my God damn feet, working for and taking orders from complete fucking retards simply because they signed up 1 day before me with almost no fucking chance for upward mobility based on the merits of the quality of work I performed, but simply the grace in which I handled myself politically, something I had absolutely no life experience with, no Real Man training for, nor any fucking desire to learn, not to mention, no bloodline that could get me through all this bullshit. No fucking thank you! “A Real Man never accepts a position below his skill set, unless the pay is fucking awesome.”

My parents, but especially my mom, you know to help me with my confidence and all when I was at my absolute lowest point, asked me, how can you turn that job down, what are you, crazy, it’s with a huge company, you can work there till the day you retire? I don’t wanna work there till I retire. I don’t wanna work there for 1 fucking minute. That’s the kind of job where low skilled, low ambition, morons go to die. I haven’t killed myself for the last 6 years to go fucking backwards. I’m either gonna make more money doing what I did in the service or I’m gonna make more money doing something else entirely and while we’re on the subject, most men that retire, drop dead the second they do, so I’m gonna keep working my ass off towards doing something that I love and with any luck, I’ll drop fucking dead while I’m doing it. If Jimmy Buffet can turn songs about being drunk and high and fucking beautiful women in paradise into a billion dollar industry, then I can turn writing comedy, songs and videos about Women and Men that act like Women into a Billion Dollar Empire that turns America back to the country it was always supposed to be, either that or I’ll die alone in the streets dreaming about all that shit, but hey maybe if I’m drunk or high enough, I won’t know the fucking difference so it won’t fucking matter anyhow. “A Real Man never has a job, he has a fucking mission.”

3 months fucking later, after my relentless pursuit, I finally get a fucking gig as a God damn intern at the radio station. So let’s review, my very first gig was paid, my second gig was very well paid, but my third gig was a free fucking internship? What the fuck is going on here? That’s fine, I got a new born baby on the way, I’ll suck it up for a bit, be the hardest working yes man they’ve ever seen and before I know it, I’ll be right back on top again. Hell, the first 2 gigs came so quick and easy, this should be a piece a fuckin’ cake. A year later after losing thousands of hours of my life, waking up at all hours of the day and night, driving to the station, filling the van up with gas, tents, banners, amps, speakers, speaker stands, marti’s, water bottles, t-shirts, cd’s and other bullshit I couldn’t give a fuck about and dealing with snotnose, ingrate, prize pigs, I was starting to get over it, real fucking fast. But wait there’s more. I also spent that year taking marching orders from spoiled rotten teenage assholes that had never once been on the God damn radio, but knew everyfuckingthing there was to know about it and they were barking at me like I was their fucking child. Excuse me, I’m 28 years old with 6 years of on fucking air, 4 years of in fucking nightclub and 11 years of mobile fucking DJ experience and you’re 18 with no God damn experience of any fucking kind whatsoever and you just got out of fucking high school, so shut the fuck up before I stab you repeatedly and wash my hands with blood from your eye sockets, you little fucking prick. “A Real Man never has a problem with authority, unless the authorized individual is a fucking retarded fuck.”

The only good thing that came out of that little soiree in radio, was getting back into club DJing, therefore reclaiming a 1/3rd of the former glory that was my life only a year earlier. One of my buddies from the station, in fact one of the only cool, non-douchebag, shithead people I ever met the whole time I was there was about to move out of the country to pursue his radio dreams and he pretty much handed over to me one of the best gigs I’d ever had. He spoon-fed me a 6 night a week, 4 hour a night club job that paid a shit ton of money. It wasn’t the same money I made a year ago, but I wasn’t a big time radio guy anymore either, I was now a nobody intern. I also wasn’t living in one of the most expensive cities in America anymore either and I was extremely happy & grateful. This job gave me the ability to be home with my pregnant wife and eventually you, my new-born baby boy all day, every day and only leave for work, after both of you already laid down to go to sleep every night, not to mention the fact that I would also be back home before you ever woke up in the morning. Maybe I can make this work, maybe I can be an entertainer and a father, maybe, but not fucking likely. The only downside to this endeavor, cuz every one has one, was the fucking drive. This club was a little over an hour away from home which was usually ok for the commute there, it was the haul home at 3am that sucked ass chunks. That and you were usually screaming your baby biebers off for some God damn reason or another every single fucking night I walked in the door and your sick mother could and would literally sleep through a fucking bombing raid. “A Real Man always comes straight home after work, unless there’s no fucking chance of getting any piece and quite once he gets there.”

Ya see son, you were colicky, but never once during the fucking day when we were all awake, only during the night or what was fucking left of it after I came home, exhausted after an over an hour drive to the club, a grueling smoke filled, 4 hours of intense concentration, mostly because of the constant distraction of free range tits and ass of which I could not partake, constantly be thrown in my face, followed by an over an hour long stretch back home on an empty fucking highway in the dark for a last minute attempt to get a solid 4 hours in before the sun came up when you, your mother and the dog jumped up and started raving, not givin’ a single fucking crap that I might be a wee bit peaked. One night, only minutes after I dozed off, you started your bullshit again, so I tapped your dead to the fucking world mother on the shoulder for 5 God damn minutes so she could fucking deal with it for once, got nothing  outta her as usual,  jumped outta bed, ran down the hall and shook the dust off your little ass so I could get some fucking Zzz’s. After that night, I forbid you and your mother to ever crash on that side of the fucking house again until you or she stopped your fucking bullshit for an extended period which with her was a minimum of 2 continuous weeks, you on the other hand, need to be re-fuckingminded every 5 God damn minutes. There must have been an unwritten nuptial requirement for me to lose my fucking mind every 14 God damn days to keep my home a happy one, at least for me. Same thing goes for every single fucking girl I’ve ever dated. As long as I go full fucking psychopath about every 2 weeks or so, the relationship is pretty good, as far as I’m concerned, they’re always fuckin’ miserable no matter what, so fuck em’. Thankfully, we had a very long house with 3 thick doors between both ends of it. I told your mom unless you want me to kill the both of you with my bare fucking hands, you two rest in the den from now on and keep the fucking noise down to a low rumble till I get up out of bed and authorize you to fucking move. I’m a high energy guy and don’t need that much sleep, but I do need more than fucking zero. After that, maybe once or twice I heard a little something early in the morning, until a life or two was threatened, but after that, problem fucking solved. “A Real Man never loses his temper, unless you’re fucking begging for it.”

Son, as A Real Man, even when I threatened you, your mother and the dog’s life, it was only for your own God damn good. You can’t expect a man to work 20 hours a fucking day and not give him at least 4 hours of peace and fucking quite unless you want him to disembowel you with an alarm clock. You’re not even one yet and I’m already teaching you some of life’s most valuable lessons. Eventually as with everything else, all good things, come to an end to include one of the best DJ joints I’ve ever had. At first, after a year of totally transforming their clientele as they had requested, they started cutting back my nights. When I started there, the place was overrun by niggers, not black people, niggers. You know the kind of fucking animals that shoot up the place or stab a motherfucker on a packed dancefloor totally surrounded by eye witnesses. Well as a professional DJ for many, many years I have often been hired specifically to drive out the niggers by multitudinous club / bar owners and each and every single time this request was made, I always asked whatever dumbass drug dealer / pimp on the side nightclub / bar owner, are you sure, because their money’s is just as green as everybody else’s and once you have a reputation for being a nigger club, there’s no fucking way you’re turnin’ that shit around, unless you nuke the place with said niggers inside it and once I get the niggers out, which I will, who are you planning to replace them with, because if you think all of a sudden all the hot white girls of the world gonna start showin’ up in droves, you’re seriously out of your fucking minds. Their response, and I quote, “you just get the niggers out, not tonight, not immediately, but slowly and we’ll worry about the hot white bitches when the time comes”. Ok, it’s your God damn funeral. “A Real Man always follows the bosses orders, no matter how fucking stupid they are if he’s paying him an assload of cash.”

Well, I have a sick wife and you to take care of and even if my bosses are fucking idiots, their money too is also green and I need it so I’ll do what the fuck I’m told, kinda. Ahh, here we are again, back at this fucking paradox. I have said this till I’m God damn blue in the fucking face, but for whatever twisted sense of fucking humor God himself has, doing what I am told has never once worked out for me, at least not even close to the degree that doing whatever the fuck I wanted to has, but sometimes as a young man, with absolutely no training whatsoever on being A Real Man, supporting a sick wife and a you, my new born baby boy, I got a little insecure, start thinking about others more than myself, start making compromises and started failing more than I’d ever had before. I’m not saying this approach will work for you or anyone else, cuz if you’re a certifiable dipshit with no common sense whatsoever, do what you’re fucking told and be fucking nice about it, however, if you’re the one surrounded by those I just spoke so fucking highly of, just do what the fuck you think is best. It’ll improve all of humanity tenfold. If you’re not sure which category you represent, try both suggestions and you’ll quickly find out. “A Real Man always understands orders, whose fucking givin’ em’ and whose fucking takin’ em’.”

As soon as I cleaned all the roaches out the club and it was apparent to everyone, especially the bartenders, we would no longer have any patrons, or income, I was immediately replaced, but not by a phone call, text message, carrier pigeon or any kind of advanced warning system whatsoever. I’d actually driven the over an hour long commute after spending 30 minutes loading my car, another 30 minutes getting dressed and another 30 minutes shitting, shaving and taking a shower only to pull up to the club and see my competitors name on the fucking billboard, another DJ whom I was actually a big fan of at the time. Now what I should have done was chain locked the doors and burned the God damn building to the fucking ground with everyone including whatever niggers remained inside, but instead I just turned my car around like a nice little mama’s boy bitch and had a panic attack for the next hour driving back home trying to figure out how the fuck I was gonna feed my family from now on. At the very least, I should have marched in there, blasted my fucking manager and the owner in their fucking mouths knocking out their 2 front teeth, downed a couple shots off the bar, grabbed 2 weeks’ pay out of the register and told them how lucky they were to be alive after wasting my fucking night. I should have also told the new guy, good luck bro, but do whatever the fuck you want, cuz these bitches don’t have a fuckin’ clue what they’re doing. “A Real Man never takes business personally, it’s all the unprofessionalism that’ll gets fuckers killed.”

As luck would have it, my internship at the radio station was also coming to an end at the exact same time as this shit was goin’ down, not because they were finally going to see the value of the slavery I’d provided for the last year of my life, but because I finally realized, that they were never going to see the value and I was gettin’ way too fucking old to work for fucking free, especially for fucking ass hats, which was one of the main reasons I got out of the military in the first fucking place. I was constantly surrounded by inept morons that enlisted 1 day before me or were able to pass some fucking test even though they couldn’t do the fucking job at all and because of that, I was forced to follow their no common fucking sense, dumbshit orders. Unfortunately the older I got, the more I realized just how fucking retarded most of the population at large was and for someone to out rank me or out earn me in spite of each of our abilities to perform tasks, just didn’t sit well with me so I got the fuck out. I’m not a super smart guy, I just work really fucking hard and I wanna be compensated for it and with that, I knew it was now time to get the fuck outta radio as well. Fuck, even if I did get a gig at the station, it wouldn’t pay shit, it’s all the extra remotes / voice overs & MCing crap that gets you all the money and so far, a year into it, things weren’t looking too good for me. It appears as I look back on my life, that although nothing ends well, nothing that starts poorly ever gets much better either and because of the fact that my mobile DJ and last 2 radio gigs started out beyond easy and this one isn’t starting at all, maybe I should just cut my fucking losses and become another boring, upstanding, worker bee, robot, sheep in order to give you, my son a stable life and home environment or at least try to do all that fucking bullshit. “A Real Man never gives up on his dreams, if he can’t get what he wants, he just sets bigger fucking goals.”

Well that didn’t last too long. As soon as I got fired from, replaced, outsourced or whatever the fuck you wanna call it from that establishment, I simultaneously and amazingly landed a good paying job doing something I knew absolutely nothing about not to mention picking up a new weekly mobile DJ position. Now I was working 30 hours more a week and making half the pay, but I was being responsible. Yay! Son, I’m here to fuckin’ tell ya, being responsible ain’t whatthefuck it’s cracked up to be. Life is fucking hard, it’s a God damn struggle, it’s a constant pain in the fucking ass, so whatever you gotta do, in between and every fucking minute you’re not doing the fucking bullshit you absolutely have to do, wherever and whenever you can, make it as fun and easy for yourself as humanly possible as long as you’re not hurting anyone or breaking any laws, but do that shit! Beyond all that, since apparently nobody gives a shit about you except for yourself, at least not to the extent that they’re actually gonna do anything to help you, take care of yourself first, always, because you won’t be worth a shit to anyone else, if your shit is fucked. “A Real Man always spends his free time having fun, because life is a giant pain in the fucking balls.”

So the military paid for your moms exorbitant medical expenses the whole time we were in and for your birth, thank fucking God, cuz it wasn’t an easy one, then I started paying for our health insurance once that shit stopped with my Spin-meister money and it was fucking costly, but then I landed this shit and they were gonna pay for my insurance, fuckin’ sweet! Why the fuck is getting someone to pay for my insurance such a big fucking deal, why does every God damn decision I ever fucking make have to be based on someone covering my fucking medical expenses? How is it that everyone in America can afford to buy a whole fucking house, yet almost no one in America can afford fucking health insurance? Wait, wait I know this one. Because the fucking government isn’t in the house business. Why do doctors make so much fucking money, yet most of them totally suck at their fucking jobs, you know the job of helping, saving and fixing fucking human lives? Why the fuck is a doctor who sucks at his job allowed to keep fucking practicing? Why the fuck is the most important job in the world, something you practice? And if you’re practicing, why can’t I get it on-sale, why isn’t it on animals or cadavers instead of fucking people whose lives will be irreparably destroyed by one false move? Why isn’t there competition in the medical field with the loser getting publicly shamed, ridiculed and kicked to the fucking curb, never authorized to practice medicine again? I’ll tell ya why, because pharmaceutical companies and plastic fucking surgeons are among the highest paid professions in America and until that fucking changes, nothing gets better for any of us. We’re all completely fucked! “A Real Man always carries health insurance, just so his fucking claims can get denied.”

So here I am once again working my fucking dick off for the man, working harder, smarter and faster than everyone else at some startup company and once again, now that I’m back in the civilian world, I shoot right past every single motherfucker there, stopping just short of the executive level, somewhere I’d never fucking get to, but not because I wasn’t good at my job, I was the best there was anywhere in the state, not because I didn’t try hard enough, I tried harder than everyone else working there put together, not even because of my lack of a college degree, I got into tech at the perfect time and didn’t need a fucking degree, not yet anyway. Son, unfortunately the America we now live in, awards the fake, charming, attractive, say anything to get ahead shitheads of the world and I just couldn’t fucking do it. Some of us were put here make things happen, some to watch and some to wonder. I believe I was put here to make things happen, while slapping the shit out of those who watched it happen and shaking the fuck out of those who wonder what happened. I have always felt that way, I have never felt right saying or doing what everyone wants me to, but rather saying or doing whateverthefuck needs to be said and because of that, my life has always been and probably always will be a hard knock life. Everyone dies, but some people die a fucking legend! “A Real Man never compromises his integrity, and most people fucking hate him for it.”

One more entirely new lesson I was about to learn was the fact that executives, at least all the executives of every fucking company I’ve ever worked for, take no issue whatsoever with spending all the money that comes into a company regardless of where it comes from or whose life gets totally obliterated in the process and spending it on everyfuckingthingundertheGoddamnsun except the God damn fucking company. Picture this, at the time, this company was 10 years ahead of the largest Cable TV provider in the area with regards to its technical abilities, 3 years before the dot gone bubble, we we’re a hot new startup and investors were throwing piles of cash at us, although none of it was landing on me. We had some of the brightest minds in the industry at our disposal and we’re collecting clients by the thousands on our path to worldwide domination. All the bosses had to do was make a couple of good moves, budget accordingly and keep marching forward. What they did instead was buy nice, big McMansions, exotic cars, eat overfuckingpriced meals every God damn sitting, come in late every single fucking day, leave early every single fucking day, take 3 hour liquid lunches every single fucking day, take elaborate vacation after vacation, buy their wives expensive things and I’m pretty sure there was a hooker and an eight ball mixed in somewhere along the way. Far be it from me to tell a man how to spend his money, but it wasn’t their fucking money, it was investor money, it was elderly life savings money, 401ks, payroll money, it was health fucking insurance money and these cocksuckers were fucking stealing every God damn penny of it. “A Real Man always spends money responsibly, especially when it isn’t fucking his.”

I never even knew there was a fuckin’ problem until one day when I happened to see an open letter on the receptionist’s desk stating that our company’s entire health insurance policy had lapsed. I had my suspicions, because strange things had been happening for some time, but I told these cock suckers in my God damn interview, no fucking insurance, no fuckin’ John D., I’ll just fucking work somewhere else. Those lying pricks looked me right in the eyes and told me that it would never be a problem, shook my fucking hand on it and said they had great insurance and that I had nothing whatsoever to worry about. Seeing this letter made me realize, not only was there something to fucking worry about, I was totally fucking fucked. So I grabbed the letter, marched right into the President’s office, threw it on his desk and asked him “what’s the fucking meaning of this? This British prick, being one of the best scumbag liars I’d ever fucking met, once again, stared right into my soul and told me, it was a clerical error on their end and it was a non-issue. You know what motherfucker, I see an iceberg, right ahead and I’m not fucking waiting around to go down with this bitch. Unfortunately, In America, if there’s a fuckin’ lapse in your health insurance coverage, even if it’s because the company that’s been payroll deducting your God damn insurance money simply decides not to pay the fucking insurance premiums and instead spends all the money on entertainment professionals and party favors, you are totally fucking fucked, especially if your wife or new born baby have pre-existing conditions. Being one of the top geeks in CATV at the time, I immediately went looking for and quickly found several other jobs to make sure I had insurance to take care of you and your mother, even if it was gonna kill me in the fucking process, which it almost fucking did. “A Real Man always keeps his word, when he tells you something, he fucking means that shit.”

I turned down every offer that meant moving or disrupting your lives in any way shape or form, which left only 1 company, a 40 minute drive each day to and from work and 100 hour work weeks for the same money I was making in 40 hours a week now, health insurance included. Now why on God’s green earth would I take a fucking deal like that? For a shot at the title, that’s fucking why. Although I was the only in-house employee with any technical ability at my last company and was brought into every single investor meeting to impress the future larceny victims with our abilities and help close the deals, I also built their data-center from scratch and implemented a 100 other things in my lab that put us so far ahead of the competition, they would never catch up, to include inventing Netflix 10 years before it even came out, my raises were always slow and small. But this time, I was a little older and a little wiser and I made a deal that would ensure the prosperity of you guys for years to come. I came to this new company for a piece of the action. I’d already proven myself in my industry as someone to keep an eye on, my reputation was known by everyone in our area, now all I had to do was waltz over here and do what I’ve always done with a smile and a handshake, so I got started doing just fucking that. “A Real Man always works hard, might as well be a fuckin’ owner.”

During this time, one of the most horrible tragedies that has ever happened to my country, something that completely destroyed my innocence, my naivety, my patience for everything and turned this once happy go lucky, everything’s been pretty good since birth despite not having any fucking parents worth mentioning, I have all the fucking time in the world to get my dreams accomplished, peaceful kid into a bloodthirsty, revenge driven, machine on the warpath for some fucking retribution. It was one regular Tuesday morning, I was at the office when the first plane hit the first tower, but I didn’t feel shit. Plane crashes, although terrible have happened enough times in my life not be the least bit bothered by them anymore, because unfortunately shit happens and thankfully, none had ever happened to me. In my entire life, only 2 people I hardly even knew ever died and one of them killed herself so she doesn’t fucking count, my grandfather and some cheerleader chick with giant tits that I wanted to suck & fuck in high school who shot her own face off with a shotgun before I had my chance to shoot a load on it. Bitch! Anyways, I was walking down the hallway towards the open door in my office looking at the wall mounted tube TV when the 2nd plane hit the second tower and then all of a sudden, in an instant, everything fucking changed. “A Real Man never forgets 9-11, and looks forward to fucking murdering anyone and everyfuckingone involved.”

I’m watching the news, the first plane crashes, the President’s notified, both towers begin evacuating and then, the second plane crashes. That’s when I freaked the fuck out. If there’s one thing that being in the military and working in the radio business taught me, it’s that everything we know and everything we’re told is total fucking bullshit. Fortunately I was wrong, but in that moment, I really thought America was over and in many ways it was, just not apocalyptically over, not immediately anyway, that would happen over time. So I jumped in my car and raced home to grab you and your mother and take you guys to my parents’ house to be with them, before the bridges were closed. Even then, my father wasn’t fucking there. We sat on the couch watching TV as all flights in or out of New York city were banned, the President addressed the nation, the Pentagon got hit by another plane, all flights got banned nationwide, Washington Fucking DC was evacuated, the 1st tower collapsed, another plane crashed in Pennsylvania, the 2nd tower collapsed, Manhattan was fucking evacuated, the President addressed the nation again, a 3rd building collapsed, the President returned to the White House thank fucking God, addressed the nation again and declared a war on terrorism. That was the most terrifying fucking day of my entire life and after the dust settled after the immediate fear subsided, the sleeping giant had been awaken. I knew, I no longer had the luxury of being who I’d always been. I knew I was weak because no one had ever taught me to be strong. I knew that if you were gonna survive the future, I had to do anything and everything I could to make sure there was a fucking future. But how? How the fuck was 1 average little man gonna make an ounce of God damn difference. I wanted to join the fucking marines, right then and there, but I was already too old, I would have joined Blackwater, but I was a fucking bitch with no combat training whatsoever and I’d never even fucking heard of it yet, I would have done anything and everything possible, but I still had to raise you, my one and only son to be A fucking Real Man and in order to do that, I would have to learn what the fuck that was, then have to teach your ass. “A Real Man always takes care of his responsibilities first, then goes on a fucking killing spree.”

At the time, I wanted to personally murder all of Al-Qaeda, then as time I went on, I heard of reasons why I should murder my President, his people, his puppet masters and lie after lie after fucking lie and to tell you the truth, I don’t know what the fuck to believe any more about anything in this upside down, everything is fucking backwards, the criminals are the victims, gays are normal and the shallowest of the shallow is the envy of all society that is today’s America. It’s all fucked and it all sucks. Unfortunately you my son, God willing, have a bunch of years left to wade through this shitpile, so how the fuck do I lighten your load? What the fuck can 1 man do? I had no fucking Idea, but I’d read enough self-help / motivational speaker / personal performance books in my life to realize, its best to go with what you know and what I knew better than anything else, the # 1 skill I’ve acquired in my entire life, the one thing that no one has ever done better than me, ever was talkin’ shit. That’s right bitches, do to a childhood of watching millions of hours of stand-up comedy, the fact that my father when drinking used to be the funniest motherfucker alive, the era in which I grew up, where everyfuckingthing includin’ yo mama was up for daily ridicule, but most importantly, the fact that I really fucking enjoyed it so God damn much, I decided, some way, somehow, this was gonna be the way in which I would not only fix our fucking country, leaving the world a much better place for you to ride out your days, but also have a fucking blast along the way. Either that or die in a hail of gunfire.  I’m good either way.  “A Real Man always uses his talents, even if his best talent is ripping out your soul through your asshole.”

5 months after 9-11, I went to the local Improv because I needed a fucking laugh before I put a fucking gun in my mouth and on the pre-show video screen was an ad about their 7 week comedy class. I had no fucking idea what a comedy class was so first thing Monday morning, I called to find out. Turns out “they teach you how to be funny”. I swear to God that’s what the fuck the girl answering the phone told me. So I asked her, “how the fuck do they that? I’ve been on this earth a long fuckin’ time and you’re either fuckin’ funny or you’re fuckin’ not. There’s no grey area on that one”. I’d always assumed comedians were just funny people that made shit up on a stage full of people since all the funny motherfuckers I’d ever met in person, myself included, just riffed with no forethought or planning. She said, no really, it’s a 7 week course, the first class is free, just like a drug deal, but if you like it, we’ll get you on the comeback. Fuck it. I got nothin’ to do for the next 7 Saturdays, let’s give this comedy shit a try. I hadn’t been a shock jock in years, since I walked away from the best fucking spot I’ve ever had in in my entire life, but I still had a shit ton of funny fucking shit to say, I’m in a marriage I would have ended in order to keep working on that career years ago, but you turned up, but I grew up with no fucking family and it would’ve been selfish and hypocritical as fuck to do the same to you, I’m working my fucking dick off at a job I hate, but they’re gonna make me an owner and I am bored to fucking death with my free time. “A Real Man always learns everything he can, even shit he thought he already knew.”

After literally working myself to exhaustion and hardly seeing you, the dog and your mother for almost 6 fucking months, the company that started out at 380% in the red the day I started was now at 0%. They weren’t makin’ a penny, but they weren’t hemorrhaging fucking cash like a teenage boy at a strip club with a 1000 unearned dollars in his pocket either and now that all their problems were solved and all their debts were paid, it was time for us to move forward and make a billion dollars, some of which I’d get a taste of. Only 1 little problem remained, a smile and a handshake wasn’t contractually fucking binding and instead of moving the fuck forward which is what every lying shithead fuckface executive involved in that business venture promised me, they decided to shut the whole God damn thing down, leaving me once again, with no fucking job, no fucking health insurance and now, nowhere left to fucking go. “A Real Man never works himself to death, unless it’s for his fucking self.”

Although I did it with extreme gratitude, by turning down the other job offers, I also burned those bridges. By firing all the dead weight at this new company, to include the useless fuck consultant that got me the God damn gig, in order to save that company and its investors from ruin, I burned those bridges as well and got myself the reputation as a hatchet man. To add insult to injury, I was scheduled to close on my first fucking house I’d been waiting my entire life to be in a stable enough position to fucking buy, 3 days after they decided to close the God damn doors for good. What the fuckity fuck am I gonna fuckin’ do now? I’ve got a sick wife that can’t fucking work, you, my 4 year old son that won’t fucking work, I’ve just lost my main source of income and if I don’t buy this house right fucking now, the bank’s gonna find out I don’t have an actual job and I won’t be able to show stable employment again for another couple of years, especially if the pricks that run the next company I work for don’t disembowel that one from the inside out as well. You son, due to an alarming series of unfortunate events have already had to move 4 fucking times since you were born, so if I don’t buy us a God damn house soon, your childhood’s gonna be just as fucked up as mine was and I can’t fucking have that. I don’t want you to think you’re a gypsy, running from the law and not have any childhood friends your whole fucking life like me. You know what, fuck it. I may not have a primary source of income, I may not have any outrageously expensive health insurance to cover my wife and child and I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but the one thing I do have, the thing that convinced me to join the military and the same thing that gave me the courage to buy this house with no fucking way to pay for it in the first fucking place is balls. Not the biggest balls in the world, not the hairiest, but they’re getting larger, lower and grizzlier every single fuckin’ day. “A Real Man always takes risks, all fuckin’ day, every fucking day.”

So I bought the house, moved you guys 1 last fucking time, started a small, local business and we all lived happily ever after. Not so fucking quickly! I now needed a way to pay for next month’s mortgage and perhaps the following months as well. Our health insurance premium was also coming up and maybe if there’s anything left over, I’d buy us some fuckin’ food. Although I had no savings whatsoever since making money here hadn’t been nearly as easy as it was before I moved us back here to be close to our useless fucking family, or before I got married, or at any other time in my fucking life, I did have a limitless Amex and as long as that bitch kept working, I’d just keep swiping that motherfucker till they shut it off for good. I also got a Sam’s club card and every other fucking line of credit I could get my mitts on. Even if I couldn’t get a job at a company that stayed fucking open long enough to consider it a job, I could still get credit, so I dug myself a fucking hole I would never, ever, ever get out of, but we’ve only been out of the military 5 years now, so how long could it fucking take? To be totally honest with you, for someone with no high school diploma, no college degree, no friends, no connections and no business experience, my business started out pretty fucking well, because within a year, I was surviving and within 2, I was thriving. I wasn’t killin’ it like I had the first time I lived here, but I was slowly starting to make some headway and you were able to stay in 1 fucking spot, right across the street from your utterly useless fucking grandparents that you never got to see, even after I shit canned my amazing life to raise you with in their immediate vicinity. Useless fucking fucks! “A Real Man always does his best, even if there’s no fucking evidence whatsoever to support him succeeding.”

My childhood was an endless series of moves, not being around any family and never keeping any friends, because we always fucking, moved, moved and fucking moved again. because it takes a fucking nuclear engineer to know that this fucks your kids up. My father who knew how to fish, shoot guns and ride a fucking motorcycle, you know Real Man shit, never taught me how to do any of those fucking things cuz he was always and I mean AllFuckingWays out drinkin’ with the boys, most of which aren’t even fucking alive anymore. Oh sure, there are pictures of us doing those things, but I only shot his gun one fucking time, I only rode on his motorcycle with him one fucking time and I only went fucking crabbing with him one fucking time in 21 God damn fucking years of living with him and that does not a fucking father or childhood make. Now that I think about it, every single fucking time I ever had a good time with my father was always immediately after he and my mother had gotten back together again from one of the billion separations they had, because he was just trying to get back in her good graces. Whenever we went fishing, or did anything at all together, it was always with all of his drunk, loser friends and he was drunk as fuck and didn’t spend 10 fucking seconds with me the whole 3 fucking days out on the God damn ocean. You can’t figure this shit out as your growing up, you’re just fucking confused, not being able to understand why your father who’s you’re God damn super hero, isn’t even remotely interested in hanging out with you and now that you, the prodigal son, the Golden child are here and my father had a second chance at redemption plus the fact that he hadn’t been allowed to go out drinkin’ with the boys for years now, still didn’t fucking do it and neither did my mother. Now that you literally lived 1000 feet from your grandparents, you saw them just as much as you did before you were fuckin’ born unless I forced you on them. What the fuck is wrong with these useless, selfish fucks? “A Real Man always raises his children close to his family, unless they are worthless piles of shit.”

Fuck it, I don’t have fucking time to think about this shit, I’ll just get to work building my business and that’s exactly what the fuck I did. I worked my fucking ass off, but I made sure to stop & be home every single fucking day it was humanly possible on or before 5pm. I was repeatedly offered happy hours, drinks, let’s hang out, by men and hot women alike because I was married with a small child, something that’s almost never happened since my fucking divorce, but I almost always without exception turned it down since my responsibilities were at home with you and your mother. I could be wrong here, because I’m not in societies empty fucking heads, but as soon as I became single, I also became the scourge of civilization, by the general population, because most wives or girlfriends don’t want their miserable collared and leashed, pussy whipped, spineless, metro faggot husbands hanging out anywhere near the happy single guy. Even stranger than that was the fact that these same fucking bitches that didn’t want their little domesticated bitches under my influence were always way too God dam flirty with me to the point where if I were a lessor man, I woulda banged several of these insecure cunts, which is also exactly where I came up with A Real Man, women want him inside them, men want him beside them. That’s fucking hilarious, they don’t want their husbands who used to be my fucking friends in the first God damn place, anyfuckingwhere near me, but they wanna fuck me. Classic selfish cunty womenfuckinglogic right there. Keep that shit in mind when she’s just going for coffee with one of the guys from the office.  We were not fucking put here to police each other.  We either fucking trust each other or we fucking don’t.  “A Real Man never lets anyone decide who he spends his time with, especially his fucking wife.”

So I worked and networked and shook hands and met people and spent all my working hours doing shit I fucking hated so I could make a God damn living, make fucking connections and maybe make some fucking friends along the way that would later be able to help you transition from an oversleeping, not setting the alarm clock, calling in sick, or not even showing up all together loser, to a productive member of society one day by calling in favor after favor after fucking favor until you finally hit your stride. I might have been a little over optimistic with the friend thing since I unfortunately grew up watching TV shows and movies where everyone always had shit tons of friends, because with very few exceptions, mostly rich guys and hot girls, I’ve never really fucking known anyone like that. The only times in my life where I ever had any friends at all was when I either had a bunch of money and or free tickets to every God damn thing happening within a 100 mile radius, a hot as fuck hooters girl wife and when I was way more of a dick than I am today now that I’m broke and single which only goes to prove to you, it was always the money or something else and never once about me, but it doesn’t fucking matter at fucking all. It only matters if you believe what TV, movies & media want you to believe which is that being popular is important, but I’ve actually been very popular in my own little ponds at 3 separate time spans in my life and it didn’t fucking matter to me one God damn bit, because I always knew why I was popular since I wasn’t popular immediately before or after each of those fucking periods. The only thing that fucking matters is having a good fucking time while you’re there, helping as many people as you possibly can while you’re there and collecting as many good memories via video of course along the way as you possibly can because the good times never last and good memories never fade. “A Real Man never worries about being popular, women do plenty of that fucking bullshit.”

I also managed to get myself another sweet fucking club gig as the fill in DJ 1 to 3 nights a week at the busiest bar / club in town depending on whether their main DJ was available or not, which was a huge life support system to a new business. Once again, I started late, after you and your mom were already asleep or on your way and I was back home long before you ever woke up. I also invented and perfected a full proof way of staying off of drugs and banging random skanks while being one of the hottest DJ’s in an area that was on fucking fire at the time, which also unfortunately caused me to be one of the most unpopular DJ’s with the staff, totally unknown by the cool kids, un-marketed, un-promoted & underpaid by the owners of the club and the club world in general. Let me make sure I get this straight, I’m the best fuckin’ DJ in the area by all accounts, by the line outside the door by the endless compliments hurled on me by the entire bar staff that also goes out to all the other bars and clubs on their nights off, by all the money these motherfuckers were making, but because I don’t do drugs, hang out and party, no one will ever know who the fuck I am, which will keep me from getting raises and other gigs? How fucked up is that? I would literally show up 30 minutes before my shift, because it took that exact amount of time to set up properly and I would immediately get the fuck outta there the second I got paid, which for the first month took at least an hour because my cocksucking faggot, drug dealer manager wanted me to stick around and get high with him and his cocksucker boyfriend owner which I never once fucking did, until one night when I finally fucking snapped and told his faggot ass, look here motherfucker, you already knew what the fuck you were gonna pay me before I walked in the fucking door, so why don’t you have it fucking ready when I get here so I can go the fuck home to my wife and son when I’m done. I have a family to take care of you fucking idiot. I was still paid more than anyone else in the area that wasn’t locally famous because I demanded it, but I could have been paid a shit load more if the homo that got me the gig hadn’t convinced himself and the management that we were already overpaid, but he didn’t have a 2 hour line around the fucking building every night he worked, I did and considering the money I was bringing in the door, I was getting’ fucked in the ass deep and hard, but then you have a sea of hot bitches kissin’ your ass all night and the free drinks and fuck I hate this industry! “A Real Man never gets caught up in debauchery, unless he’s single or his wife is fucking there recruiting.”

Basically, I made almost enough money DJing every week to pay my fucking bills regardless of what my business was bringing in. Only problem, I was now back to 60 hour work weeks, making half the money I made before I moved back here, I was a nobody and I now paid full price for everything instead of gettin’ the shit for free. On the upside, after having proven myself at the hottest club in the area time and fucking time again, the owners, upon deciding to open a new location, actually promoted me over their main, frosted tips at 40, faggot DJ that brought me in the business in the first place and gave it to me. I never saw that shit comin’ and I actually felt bad for the guy, but every night I filled in for him, everyone bartender, manager and bouncer alike told me I fucking crushed it and lit the place up like a God damn Christmas tree so I guess the best man or in this case the best DJ won so fuck him! How’s that my fault? Call it Gods will, call it good luck, call it whatever the fuck you want, but almost as soon as I started there, one of the hottest pieces of ass, I’d ever have the opportunity to sample in my entire existence walked in to my DJ booth and started snappin’ her fingers, bobbin’ her empty fuckin’ bobble head and runnin’ her fucking mouth at me. She almost got away with it too, cuz this bitch looked exactly like Stacey Dash in her prime, but acted like every other fucking bitch that’s been hot as fuck her entire life without anyone ever telling her no. Well, as fate would have it, someone was finally not only gonna do exactly that, but fuck no and fuck off and die as well, something I’ve always been pretty good at. “A Real Man never takes anything for granted, but when you’re the fuckin’ man, you’re the fuckin’ man.”

So this bitch comes up with Africa, her fairly attractive friend who wanted to bang me first, something I’d known for some time and says, “you suck as a DJ, why you playin’ this shit?” To which I responded by pointing to the packed fucking dance floor of hot young bitches shakin’ their asses and then continued to get right back to DJing. I try to make it a point to never argue with fucking idiots and anyone who’s ever started a conversation with anyone like this is clearly not functioning at full capacity. Furthermore, as a professional DJ, it’s not really my job to give a fuck whether a song is good or bad personally or professionally, only that gaggles of hot fucking sluts are dropin’ down low to it. Same thing goes for the time I had a band.  I created our entire playlist on what I’d personally witnessed time and time afuckinggain of drunk slut after drunk slut running to the dancefloor to work it. The guys in my band fucking hated it, because they all deliriously thought they were serious musicians, not to mention, they all brought their fucking girlfriends to every God damn show and practice like fucking retards, so they weren’t able to capitalize on my genius, but fuck em’, it was my band and I could, so I did. I must have done something right, because 3 months after starting that band, we were booked 6 months in advance in all the best bars in the area. There’s something that bar owners appreciate about their bars being slammed wall to wall with hot, young, pussy.  I knew that and used it to our advantage. “A Real Man never does anything to get women, pussy will do just fine.”

I guess she thought I was fucking kidding, because this dumb bitch actually asked me again, so this time I fucking snapped. Hey bitch, (showing the universal symbol for small) you’re this close to going back to a cotton field so get the fuck out my face. I thought it was pretty fucking obvious unless you’ve lost the ability to fucking see that the God damn dance floor is fucking packed full of hot young bitches dancing to the very music you think is shit. Well, I don’t give a fuck whether you like it or not, it’s what I’m playing and in case you forgot, the fucking door you walked in through to get here also serves as a fucking exit so if you’re not enjoying yourself, stop your bitchin’, turn your black ass around and get the fuck outta here, I have work to do. Then I got the whole, oh no you didn’t, finger snappin’, head bobbin’, nigger shit, black bitches do when you piss them off, like it changes anything, other than making them look like a nigger. Look bitch, you can leave on your own or security can throw your ass out, either way, you’re gettin’ the fuck out of my DJ booth until you get a better attitude and with that, Africa grabbed her by the wrist and I never saw this arrogant, bitchy, hot as fuck black cunt again. At least not for 2 more weeks. “A Real Man never says anything derogatory to a lady, unless she’s being fucking cunt.”

I shit you not, 2 weeks fuckin’ later, this black bitch comes back with a better attitude, way fuckin’ better, so much fuckin’ better, I thought she was settin’ me up for a shankin’ in the parking lot. Of all the things I wanted to do with this bitch, getting’ stabbed wasn’t at the top of my list, but I might be ok with it, if it happened while she was bouncin’ her juicy dark ass up and down on my white meat stick. You don’t understand. This bitch was fucking gorgeous, one of the most beautiful girls I’d ever laid eyes on and although I’d tried since birth to bang a black bitch, I’d always had to call no joy. I even told her, the second time we ever spoke, as I grabbed her by the hand above her weave and spun her around dazed by her curves, you do realize that your body was personally hand crafted by God himself for the sole purpose of fucking, fucking me? Ahh fuck it, I can’t I’m married, I can’t cheat on my wife and I didn’t. Believe it or not, we actually became friends. Turns out this girl actually liked the shit I told her the last time she was here. I know, what the fuck right? She even came by to see me every few weeks and I would continue to stay real with her, apparently something no one had ever done with her before. Strangely enough, the thing I said that hit her the hardest was that she had a dark cloud around her and she was the most negative person I’d ever fucking met. That one really got inside her head and motivated her to prove to me that it wasn’t true and that she could really be fun. Well I might have been born during the day, but not fucking yesterday. One more thing, through absolutely no planning on my part whatsoever, that particular line seems to work with just about every single girl on the planet, at least it did with the lass 100 I fucked, mostly because its true.  If there’s one thing bitches hate, its being single.  They can’t fucking stand it.  “A Real Man never plots and schemes to get women naked, but if he accidentally figures out something that works, he fuckin’ uses that shit every chance he gets.”

This unbelievable fucking beauty kept coming to visit me for over a year, sometimes with Africa in tow and sometimes alone, to tell me about her fucking problems like I gave a crap so I could tell her what’s what and even though I sincerely hoped that one day I would fuck her, I really never did a single fucking thing to move shit forward between us. In fact I did quite the opposite. I was a total dick to her! Over the years, I’d gotten almost totally numb to hot girls hanging out in the DJ booth while they were in between boyfriends / husbands, so I just didn’t care and I lost millions of opportunities on bitches waiting for me to make the first move and although that’s worked for me more times than I remember, allowing them to take the flirting too far first has always worked out much better for me. Any woman that has to convince you to fuck her is gonna give you the ride of your life, so hold on. Trust me. Besides, I had my own fucking problems to deal with at home. You have to understand, most unattractive guys would do anything to be around attractive women to include paying for it, but for as long as I can fuckin’ remember, I ‘ve always gotten paid and fed free drinks all night long to be the center of God damn attention around them and I knew that if I were simply wading through the crowd like everybody else, I’d be fucking invisible so when a bitch liked me for who she thought I was or the fact that she got to be in the DJ booth for everyone to see which to most bitches is more fucking important than breathing, I just didn’t give a fuck. I’d rather meet a bitch on the street and win her over because she was just turned on by me being me, no fake, no bullshit, just my personality, than meet some soulless, club DJ, groupie whore. If I ever found a hot bitch that was cool as fuck and liked me as I am, no crowd, no lights, no booth, I’d marry her in an instant, with a fucking pre-nup of course. I’m not fuckin’ retarded. “A Real Man never begs for attention, but if you throw pussy at him, he might just catch and release.”

A few months after I met Black Bitch, your mother and I got a very strange, very out of the clear blue sky phone call from her also useless fucking family that never, ever attempted to spend any fucking time whatsoever with you or her or all of us for no good God damn reason. You have to understand, your mom and I were both salt of the earth people who’d never intentionally caused anyone any grief whatsoever for any fucking reason so it made no sense why both our family’s would treat us like red headed step children, but they did so fuck them for eternity, infinity, googleplex, motherfuckers. The call came in strangely enough from your uncle, my asshole, biker, brother in law. He was a good enough man, but not even close to the greatest father or family man they made him out to be, in the papers or at his fucking funeral or as I like to call them, let’s tell nothin’ but positive, inspirational, loving lies about this motherfucker for the next 2 hours. His fucked up misandrist wife and children are all the evidence you need to fact check that story. When I got back from the service, he hated me because he thought that I thought that I was better than everybody, because I worked in computers, making good money, but that just wasn’t true. I have never once felt that way, in my entire life and still don’t. I’ve only ever felt better than people that don’t fucking try or sit around and cry and although my bank account may not reflect it at the moment, no one I have ever fucking met, works harder than I do, but I’m not just talking about work. I know plenty of mother fuckers that only work, ignore their wives, their children, their friends, their families, their communities, every God damn thing in the universe except their job or their companies and the wreckage they leave behind can never be undone. Not even with a well-funded will, trust fund or insurance policy. “A Real Man always puts work first, when he’s fucking single with no God damn children.”

I’m talking about working as hard as fucking possible on yourself, your relationships with your wife, your children, your friends, your job, your community & the world you leave behind. Biker asshole was jealous of me because while he went to work all day breaking his fucking back, getting filthy from head to fucking toe just as I did only a few short years back in the military, I got out and got a high paying job, staying clean in the air condition all day. I never once bragged about it, I never rubbed it in, I never even wanted to talk about it, but I also never allowed him, who’d been in the union with the city for years and probably made half of what I did, at twice my age make me feel bad about it. It wasn’t my fault he had a shit, go nowhere job and it also wasn’t my fault that I didn’t. Remember, the military forced me to do this computer crap, it wasn’t what I signed up for, because I didn’t even know what the fuck it was. It just happened to work out in my favor. Anyways, he asked me on the phone if we would be interested in taking my family along with his to the park. I pulled the phone away from my ear totally puzzled to look at it, cuz I couldn’t fucking believe what I was fucking hearing and asked I him when. He said now. I said sure and we got our shit together and headed over. I asked your mom what the fuck was going on. We’ve been invisible to these motherfuckers for 11 years and all of a sudden they wanna be besties. What the fuck? “A Real Man never boasts about his job or his income, if you’re fucking jealous of him, then do something about it ya whiney bitch.”

Your mother had no idea either, but we did and it was nice, very nice. Her sister who’s usually a fucking psycho, feminist cunt was even, dare I say pleasant. We even managed to get a few pictures from that day. Good thing too, because by 8 o’clock the next morning, he was dead and as fate would have it, he knew he would be. On his way to work, some nigger junkie with a ridiculous fucking rap sheet who had no fucking business being on the streets, was whacked out of his fucking mind and ran your uncle over on his motorcycle at 100 miles per hour and drug him 1000 yards to his death. He died at the scene. I just now got off the phone with his widow, your aunt and asked her a question that’s been bothering me ever since the day he died. Why the fuck did he call us and ask us to hang out the day before? I never, ever understood that. Turns out, he called everyone he knew to hang out that weekend and your mom and I, because neither one of our families were worth a shit, were the only ones available. I am pro God allfuckindayeveryfuckinday and I believe everyfuckingthing happens for a reason and the only fucking reason on earth, no one else was available, leaving him no other option, but to call us, was the fact that I was the only person on the planet who was gonna do a God damn fucking thing about gettin’ the motherfucking piece of shit that killed him. I was gonna put your mom, you and myself, permanently in harm’s way, possibly getting us killed, for a man, who turns out, really didn’t give a shit about us, but I was gonna do the only thing I could do. I was gonna be A Real Man do the right fucking thing. “A Real Man always does the right thing, even if the shithead benefactor doesn’t fucking deserve it.”

After sitting in the court room, court date after court date, that shitfuck never showed up so I made a promise to his widow, the same cunt that treated me like a fuckin’ lepper for 12 continuous years, that I would find the cocksucker that killed your uncle and that he would go to prison. When I said it, I had absolutely no fucking clue how I was gonna keep that promise, but I did and it only took me about a week or so to do, only because God himself was workin’ the case and I was just there to get all the credit, which I didn’t fucking want, which I also fucking denied. I just wanted that fucker dead and if we lived in a world that made any fucking sense his widow would’ve been able to pull the trigger herself or even wanted to for that matter. This nigger kills the love of her life and she fucking forgives him.  Are you fucking kidding me right now.  Fuck it, I’ll pull the God damn trigger.  We are currently only a few months away from his release from prison and I used to worry about it back then, but not anymore. I’m not the same sweet, innocent, naïve boy I was then. Now I have guns, now I train, now I am prepared or at least more prepared than that nigger is. It’s not that I’m not afraid of him, I’m not. I’m not afraid to die. I’ve already had a way better life than I ever thought I could, I’ve raised a way better son than I ever thought I would and I’ve figured out exactly how to do my part in making the world a better place than it was before I left it, long after I’m dead. That is more than most people will ever accomplish. This wasn’t about my brother-in-law, his widow or his children, it was about justice. You don’t do things to help people because they like you or they’re nice to you, you do things to help people because it’s the right fucking thing to do and you have the ability to do so. “A Real Man always appreciates his life, and is always prepared to give it the fuck up.”

So more time goes on and between 9-11 and your uncle, the first person I’d ever actually known well dying right after we fucking hung out with him, that old feeling that 9-11 gave me, the feeling that life’s too fucking short and time is running the fuck out and everybody dies, not everybody lives wouldn’t fucking leave me alone for 1 fucking second. Day and night, all I could think of was the fact that my company was 4 years old and you, my exceptionally late bloomer son were approaching 7 which intellectually put you at about 3 or 4 and you were about to actualize the fact that you had a mother and a father that lived in the same fucking house and this was the way things would always be. That’s when I sadly came to the conclusion that I had to get the fuck outta there as fast as fucking possible which started the chain reaction to a nuclear holocaust that would test the limits of my patience, my sanity and resolve to do anything and everything to insure you had a pleasant, however educational childhood and prepare you to be the man I, forged myself to be, hopefully 20 or 30 years before I did, saving you endless amounts of aggravation, disappointment and heartache. I’d already prepared myself 8 years earlier to leave your sick mother who absolutely fucking refused to take care of herself, but I didn’t do it, I stayed for you and strangely enough I must now leave her for the exact same fucking reason. I have to show you, not tell you, how to be A Real Man. “A Real Man shows his son what A Real Man is, by doing what must be done, even if it fucking destroys him in the process.”

To the best of my understanding, my parents have always hated each other. Both of them have always talked shit about one another behind each other’s backs when they’re not doing it in each other’s faces. I grew up thinking this was normal behavior, but then one day, after fighting with hundreds of cum catchers over the years, I met your mother and we never, ever fought and then I thought to myself, maybe my parents and all these bitches are just fucked up. Turns out my parents were fucked up and your mother was about to become even more fucked up than I could ever have possibly imagined, I just had to break her fucking heart first to meet the real her. I know it’s the real her because in spite of all the fucking bullshit she put me through since our divorce, I never retaliated, not 1 fucking time.  I wanted to.  I wanted to fucking strangle the life right the fuck out of her, but I love you more than anything in the world, more than I hate her and I really, really fucking hate her.  Ok, let’s do this. As a child, my father was my superhero and I always wanted to be just like that motherfucker, but as I got older, I realized what a selfish, shitheaded, prick he was and I didn’t want any part of my life to resemble any part of his to include, being married to a woman I so clearly hated. I didn’t want to be married to your mother anymore, but I really couldn’t imagine ever hating her, married or not. She would eventually correct that gross mis-understanding for me in short order. I tried to keep us together, I tried to make it work, I did everything I could fucking think of, but after years and years of begging her to take care of herself and the voluminous trips to the emergency room, like 15 fucking hundred of them, I’d lost that loving feeling and it was fucking killing me. “A Real Man never leaves his wife, unless she’s driving him to an early fucking grave.”

During this same time period, you were in a school play dressed as a chicken with 100 other kids and on opening night, you got stage fright and as every single kid on that stage was singing their hearts out with giant fucking smiles on their feathered faces, you were balling your fucking eyeballs out, screaming in agony. At the time, you were in a school that demanded on a bi-weekly basis that you be labeled ADD, Autistic, Asperger’s, Slow, Special, any and everyfuckingthingelse that would convince me to put you on Ritalin’ or whatever would get you hooked on drugs for the rest of your fucking life and make it impossible for you to enter the military which I was pretty sure, was your only fuckin’ shot a successful life. Like most parents that can’t afford private school, I was afraid to fight the government machine that is the public school system for fear that they would kick you out, send you to another school out of our neighborhood or get children and family services to intervene, therefore forcing us to medicate you or take you away from us all together. It’s not that I didn’t want to help you, I’d do anything for you, I just wanted to get you the right help and all of those fucking labels have a certain minimum criteria that must be met to match the label given and although there was clearly something going on with you, it wasn’t any of those labels and I wasn’t gonna fucking experiment on you or your future even if everyone around me was hell bent on making me do it, including your mother, her entire fucking family, my fucking know it all school teacher sister, all your teachers, counselors, the principle & the assistant principle. You and you alone will have to deal with the repercussions of whateverthefuck we do to you for the rest of your life, to include turning you into a fucking junkie so, fuck all those motherfuckers! “A Real Man always does what’s right for his children, hooking them on fucking drugs is never the right thing to do.”

I should have gotten my ass out of my seat in the middle of a thousand parents, marched over to the stage, ruining the entire fuckin’ play for everyone and grabbed you, taking you away from all those people, hugged you tight and told you everything was gonna be ok, everyone gets scared sometimes buddy, but I was in the system, I was a sheep then, not a Shepard, I wore Dockers, Penny Loafers and Polo’s & I didn’t wanna make any waves so that you could stay in that school. You loved that school, you still talk about it to this day. If that happened now, I’d walk right up to the sound board and pull the fucking plug on the whole God damn show yelling at the dumb fuck teachers standing right next to the fucking stage for not helping you out and probably get tazered in the taint and at the very least, arrested. They just left you standing up their crying your fucking peepers out with a 1000 people staring at you for 6 or 7 of the longest fucking minutes of my entire fucking life. There were at least 15 teachers within 10 feet of you and no one did a God damn fucking thing to help you and it still fucking pisses me off to no fucking end to this fucking day. A couple of weeks later, the principal asked your mom and I to come to the school for one final push to medicate you simultaneously hooking you on drugs forever and destroying any chance whatsoever you had of getting in the service in case this school thing which hasn’t gone too well so far, didn’t work out. We didn’t know that’s why were called in, till we got there or at least I didn’t fuckin’ know. Looking back on it now, I think it was either your mother’s fucking idea entirely or she was totally in on it. You know, only a 100 years ago if a child sucked in school, they gave that fucker a fucking shovel and sent his ass out on the farm and when he got fucking tired of troweling horseshit, pickin’ fuckin’ cotton or diggin’ fucking holes, he took it upon himself to learn a fucking skill that didn’t involve manure, burrs, or back breaking work and voila, problem fucking solved, but nowadays we have to medicate, psychiatrate, children and families servicate these poor children to death, doing absolutely nothing whatsoever to actually fucking help them, but more to make yourselves feel better about yourselves. What the fuck is wrong with you sorry, bitch ass, motherfuckers? “A Real Man always takes advice from educators, when he wants the do the absolute dumbest fucking thing possible.”

I guess it’s a good thing that we had that meeting, because not only was it the last one we ever had, no one in the entire school system ever had the balls to bring up the fucking topic to me ever again after that day and you were only in the 3rd grade at the time. I sat there listening to the education intelligencia of 6 lecture me on the doom and gloom, no chance whatsoever for success path they had painted for the next 80 years of your life for about an hour, biting my fucking tongue the whole God damn time. After they were done, it was my turn and I fucking took it, I fucking snapped! “I’ve been having this God damn, fucking conversation every 2 weeks for 3 years now and I am not fucking having it again! First off, he’s my son, not yours, you don’t get to fucking decide whether or not to put him on drugs, or not, I fucking do. Secondly I don’t give a fuck what teachers, the media or the medical community has to say about Ritalin or anyfuckingthingelseintheGoddamnuniverse for that matter. Everyone is ignoring the fact that people have been living on this fucking planet for hundreds of thousands of years without magical pills and the fact that there’s a new, silver bullet, wonder drug, cure all, doesn’t mean jack fucking shit to me and last but not least, you are all attempting to predict the future when you have none of the fucking facts, so let me fucking give them to you. I agree 100%, there is clearly something wrong with my son, but there is something wrong with every fucking one of you and every fucking person who has ever fucking lived and drugs are not, never have been and never fucking will be the God damn solution. Do you know why? Because there is no fucking fairy dust, there is what there is and it is what it is. You simply acknowledge what the fuck is wrong with you personally and you fucking work on it the best that you can or find a fucking way around it.  What you don’t fucking do is guinea pig someone to death, especially someone you won’t be helping the entirety of your God damn life.  “A Real Man always solves his problems, by walking right the fuck through them.”

If you think I’m wrong, then I want you to think about this shit for a minute. I moved 36 times before my 18th birthday which means I rarely finished 1 year in school without a serious fucking disruption in my education. At the time, if the end all, be all of labels that you all hold so fucking near and dear to your hearts were thrown around like piñata candies as they are now, I would’ve had every single fucking one of them simultaneously and been on every drug to come out of the pill mill since then and last but not least, the career that I have right fucking now that pays me more money than all of you college degree’d educators make together, hadn’t even been fucking invented yet when I was a child even though to this fucking day, I still don’t have a fucking high school diploma nor any formal training whatsoever. My son will be just fine. My son is not taking fucking Ritalin or anyfuckingthing else and this is the last God damn time I am going to have this conversation with you or anyone about it and with that, I got up, grabbed your mother by the hand and stormed the fuck out of the meeting, slamming the door behind me. Am I missing something here? How the fuck are drugs a solution to any problem? A band aid yes, brain surgery to actually repair whatever the fuck happened to you when your mother was pregnant with you on truckloads of medication, not fucking quite. “A Real Man always stands up for his children, fuck the fucking system.”

As we walked out of the school I threatened your mother’s life, promising to kill her, her family, my sister and anyone else that ever tried to put you on fucking drugs again. That’s the man I am now, I just used to have to get really fucking pissed about your wellbeing to be that man then. Now I just stay fucking furious and that makes it much easier to stay in fucking character. As all this was going on, as I was doing all the research necessary to catch the cocksucker that killed your uncle, I discovered and reached out to another family that could probably use my help. It appeared that their daughter was killed by 2 shithead hit and run drivers and left her to fucking die in the middle of the God damn road and I couldn’t fucking let that shit stand. This one took a lot fucking longer and a lot more work on my part to include taking a bunch of days off of work to resolve, but we caught the motherfuckers responsible and sent them bitches to prison as well. Just like with my brother in law’s case, no one was doing a fucking thing about it and it was fucking pissing me off, so I did what I could, God did his thing and 2 more piles of useless crap were taken off the streets, for a minute anyway. This kinda shit is very reason why God created A Real Man, we never feel fucking sorry for the criminal, ever we never wonder how they feel about what they did or if they can ever get rehabilitated. We never make fucking excuses for them or hope they get fucking help. We just want them dead, their families dead, their house burnt to the ground, we want justice. “A Real Man always cares about the rights of the accused, you have the right to have your fucking head blown off.”

If all that weren’t enough, one week as I was working on finding those fucking fucks, your mother once again, going way out of her way to fucking kill herself, managed to hit her helmet free head on the bare fucking tile floor from a standing position 6 days in a fucking row, this time totally knocking herself the fuck out, with blood coming out of her eye sockets, putting herself in the hospital, again, for the 1501st time during our relationship. I was in my office at the house, working at my desk, facing the corner away from the hallway when I heard the all too familiar sound of face meeting tile behind me. I looked back, your mother was out fuckin’ cold, I turned right back around and got right the fuck back to work. About 5 minutes passed, before it ever even dawned on me that I no longer had a single fucking ounce of ability to give a fuck whether or not your mother, my wife, was dead. It was at that very moment, I knew I had to get the fuck out there. As she lay there on the ground waiting to die or come to, I’d already had it with over a decade of this fucking bullshit and couldn’t take living with someone who played Russian roulette every God damn day of the week for 12 fuckin’ years now, but now I had to fucking stick around again, just like when she got fucking pregnant, at least until she got back on her feet, but then, I’m fucking gone with the wind baby. “A Real Man always sticks around, until he’s going to fucking murder you.”

So 3 grueling fucking months drug by, she was in the hospital and I visited her every God damn day, acting like I gave a shit, which I fucking didn’t, I had to bring you by after school, I had to bring her, her shit, all while trying to run and build my company and I just wanted fucking out. I fell in love with your mother 5 minutes after I met her, but I don’t believe I was actually put on this earth to babysit someone who not only won’t do afuckingthing to take care of themselves, but spends every fucking minute of every fucking day ensuring they kill themselves. There is no fucking way God would have given me all the talents he has blessed me with to fucking waste them dying inside with someone who has absolutely no fucking desire to live. How can you ever have a happy home life if I’m fucking miserable there with you watching me? How can you ever be strong enough to leave a dead fucking relationship if I won’t leave mine? How can you ever learn to do whatever the fuck is necessary to constantly try to improve your life in every way shape and form no matter how difficult, scary or painful it might be if I don’t personally show you how? To be perfectly honest with you, if it hadn’t been for you, I could have stayed with your mother forever. I’d already fucked more woman than any mortal man I’d ever met ever had, except one supply nigger in the service, and the 2 cockmasters I worked for at the club and I’d been numb to her being hurt for years at that point, but most importantly, every single non-pussywhipped married man I’d ever met, has cheated on his wife and everyone I told about my impending divorce gave me the exact same fucking advice verbatim. “It’s cheaper to keep her.” Just fuck around on the side & make her leave you. Great fucking life lessons there PAL. Fuck you, ya bunch a fuckin’ pussies. I’m gonna do the right thing, even if it kills me and destroys the rest of my fucking life, since that’s about the long and short of it for a man in this backwards ass, fucked up, practical joke that is current day America, but watch out motherfuckers, change is a comin’. “A Real Man always takes the path of most resistance, and becomes more fucking real every day for it.”

Have we really fallen so far as a society that we don’t even have the balls to end a bad relationship because we don’t want to part with some money and deal with a little chaos? Do we really fucking value money over everyfuckingthing else? Do men really think they are such good actors that they can just keep gettin’ side stink without their wives having a fucking clue? I have never once in my entire life met a woman who can’t tell when she’s being cheated on, but I’ve met millions who’ve ignored it, till the timing was just perfect to wreak the most havoc fucking possible, but never one who really didn’t know. Let’s back it up a second, if you’re so God damn afraid of giving up your money, why the fuck did you let her have fucking access to it in the first God damn place? Any man that’s too scared to make a woman who didn’t kill herself to help him get what he had when he showed up, doesn’t fucking deserve to be a man and should have never been born a man to fucking begin with. Please kill yourself now before you fucking reproduce, you chicken shit faggot. When I met my wife, I was a completely unprepared and uninformed child, I didn’t have shit so there was nothing to protect, but I wouldn’t marry 50 cock starved playmates simultaneously today and I don’t have that much, but what I got is mine and I ain’t handin’ that shit over to nobody. Fuck that! Don’t you morons watch the news or read the tabloids? Yeah, me neither, but every God damn week, every fucking magazine cover in every rack has some poor schlep handing over his life fucking savings to some useless cunt that used her beautiful fuckin’ tits instead of workin’ her beautiful fucking ass off to take everything someone else slaved his nuts off for, destroying not only his life, but the lives of all the people who relied on his money for their fucking way of life. Nothing on earth is worse for the economy than some soulless cunt with a vault full of money she didn’t earn. She won’t employ a single fucking person except a Chinese child purse maker getting’ his ass whipped 20 hours a day with all that cash. But I loved her, yeah and she fucked you, deep and hard, so how’d that fuckin’ work out for ya dumbass? Nothing ends well, especially relationships with women. Don’t believe me. Just watch this shit! “A Real Man always gives his woman everything, she came in the fucking door with and nothing fucking more.”

The main DJ that I got promoted over with my new sweet gig and I were still friend’s and started doing more and more things together including DJing together on his off nights or when he had to leave early. Almost every single fucking night, he, for whateverfucking reason kept ignoring the overly aggressive advances of a way, way, way out of his fucking league club girl for 3 years and decided instead to marry some busted, bitchy, Jersey troll with serious fucking medical problems, probably imagined. A spoiled rotten cunt from a Jersey?, go figure! The whole time this was happening, I was doing everyfuckingthing in my power to show him how hot, cool and nice, the fucking tri-fecta of a woman, club-girl was and translated her desirous behaviors towards him since he was fucking clueless. To this  day, I’m not sure if the guy is straight with his frosted hair tips and all, but while I was pointing out how ugly, mean and ill his cunty fiance was, he just kept running away like a scared little girl deeper and deeper into her clutches. He even pointed out that I’d married a sick girl too, which I kindly had to explain, yeah, but mine was hot, cool and nice, a fucking unicorn man. Anyone can find and ugly bitch, with a shitty attitude, but hot, cool & nice? Marry that shit! He didn’t hear a fucking word I said and the next thing I knew, we were at his Luau engagement party. I can’t really give you a good God dam reason, but there was something about that party and all these faux happy couples that made me decide to serve your mother with the divorce papers I had drawn up while she was in the hospital, the very next day. “A Real Man always tries to help his friends, stay the fuck away from high maintenance cunts.”

So I woke up the next morning, like it was any other day, ate breakfast and asked your mother to sit down. I then told her, now that you’re feeling better, I want a divorce. I then gave her the papers and explained my position. When I met you, I fell in love instantly. 12 years later, I know without a doubt, I’ve done the best I could possibly fucking do to take care of you and provide for you and to keep you safe, not only for your own sake, but now for our son’s sake as well. The problem is, for whatever reason, that I’ll never understand, you don’t seem to be the least bit interested in keeping yourself safe and it breaks my heart. I’ve given everything I could possibly think of to this relationship. I’ve done everything I could think of to help you, but most importantly, I now have to do everything I can think of to help our only son. I refuse to show him that it’s ok to be miserable and not do anything about it. I refuse to show him, it’s ok to feel helpless and do anything about it. I refuse to show him that his situations are beyond his control, because they’re not. I’m moving out tonight, I’m leaving you the house and everything in it and I’ll continue to pay all the bills and for everything you ever need, all I ask in return is that no one else, ever move in this house with my son. Seemed reasonable to me. After all, I just volunteered to give her 5 times what child support required me to, but I’m not a complete moron. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about most women, it’s that lies, omissions of fact and their ilk don’t mean fucking shit to them, because they can always just justify them and all the women in the fucking world will have their back regardless of anyfuckingthingelse. “A Real Man always takes care of his family, and only his fucking family.”

I knew the minute I moved out, it was only a matter of minutes before some fucking loser without a place of his own or perhaps a place not as nice as my mine, would make the decision that he wanted to live in my fucking house rent free and that I’d pick up the tab, but it really wasn’t about that. I just didn’t want some strange man moving in with, staying over with or attempting to raise you, but since I live in the woman is always the victim, the woman is always right, the woman is always the primary custodian no matter what the fuck kinda shit she pulls nightmare that is Obama’s America, I knew there wasn’t fuck all I’d be able to do about any of it, except have a brilliantly written and executed divorce agreement, which I did. At first, my doucefuck, wife cheating, shitbag attorney thought I was out of my God damned mind for what I was asking and there was no fucking way she was gonna sign off on that shit, but I assured him, all he had to do was his fucking job and let me worry about mine. My job was easy, since most women are all about what they can do to and take from you when it’s over and I couldn’t have made it any simpler for her. I literally left everysinglefuckingthing I have ever purchased in my entire life including the fucking house I paid for myself which was everything since she never worked or paid for shit except my clothes and I’m pretty sure I even offered to leave those behind as well. Now that there was nothing at all left to take from me, let’s focus on what she could do to me. That was the part, I didn’t fucking spend enough time strategizing on and unfortunately neither did my shitbag useless fuckstick attorney, but in hindsight it probably wouldn’t have made a God damn bit of difference. “A Real Man always plans his next move, counting on the fact that people are evil fucking fucks and you’re better off just fucking killing them.”

I spent about a week or so living with my next door neighbor, waiting for my apartment to become available and his hot as fuck girlfriend almost fucked up my entire divorce and life because he couldn’t keep his fuck mouth shut about my business to her and she couldn’t keep her fucking mouth shut about my personal business to your mother and he couldn’t keep his stupid bitch under control. They’re lucky as fuck, I didn’t murder the both of them. Almost immediately upon moving into my new place, black bitch and I went out to dinner at some shitty restaurant that her broke ass chose and we had to meet at a bookstore for me to pick her up so I wouldn’t know where she lived. Remember, she walked up to me in my club, not the other fucking way around.  Don’t worry, this bitch takes insanity to a whole new level, but that’s for another story. Long story short, a few weeks down the road, we’re in my new place when a hurricane hit town, well, glanced it anyway. It was supposed to be a direct hit, so I went to your house with my boy L.L. and boarded the whole thing up to keep you and your mother safe in the event there was shit flyin’ around and then I went back to my new place, where Black Bitch’s soaked, tan clitoris was standing by for lethal injection. One of the biggest regrets I have as a father and a man to this day was being with that smoking fucking hot ready to fuck me at any second black cunt back at my new apartment the weekend our town was about to go under water. Even though your mother wasn’t particularly happy with me at the time, even though this supermodel, my first black bitch was about to and shortly fucked the shit out of me at any moment, I should have been with you guys and not black pussy at all and I am eternally ashamed of myself and that hot piece of black pussy should be too. At the very least, I should have had black pussy come with me to your house and have your mother hold the camera while I fucked her in the ass, something I would have never done then, but after all the shit your mother’s put me through since then, fuck yeah I would fuckin’ do it now and as crazy as my life has fuckin’ been, she might have even been down with the brown. “A Real Man never abandons his family, not even for smokin’ hot black pussy.”

If I ever have the opportunity to choose between brown town and you ever again, I’ll choose dark roast all day every day, but you’re older now, you can fuckin’ take care of yourself like A Real Man, I hope. I didn’t know this until recently, because I had nothin’ but cocoa cunt on my mind at the time, but you were both terrified, boarded up in that house all alone and as an idiot, I simply told your mom that if anything happened, to just call me and I’d race right over, but if anything actually did happen, the phones would most likely be the first thing to fucking go, but I was a naïve, cityboy, douchebag with no Real Man training whatsoever back then. If anything would have happened to you two, I could’ve never forgiven myself and if anything happened to your mother, I doubt you would’ve ever forgiven me either and with good reason. Over what? Over some stupid, batshit, crazy, racist, psycho, cunt that I only dated for 3 exhausting, unexplainable, not fucking worth the God damn headache months. I don’t love anyone on earth except for you boy and myself at the moment, but if I ever get the chance to love anyone else again, I will never, ever put another piece of ass before you, between us maybe. Ha ha ha Love although temporary as well, last a hell of a lot longer than lust which basically goes away the second I drop my load, well my 3rd load on some chicks face, ass or tits. At least for me it does until it comes back up again and fuck! Having a dick is a real pain in the ass. Sorry about that ladies. “A Real Man never obsesses over a woman, her pussy yes, but never the woman.”

Of all the billions of mistakes I’ve made since starting my company, joining expensive fucking networking groups, hoping that they would somehow magically turn into huge profits that would provide the means necessary to send you to private school and buy you an Ivy League degree, the biggest mistake I ever made was being myself. Just like most women, no one’s interested in who you really are, they’re only curious if you will fit into the mold of the fantasy they’ve created for you. I am a single, God fearin’ gun totin, flag wavin’, pussy chasin’, alcohol drinkin’, Real Man, asshole, but no one wants me to be. Society would be much happier with me and in general if I were a Docker wearin’, collar poppin’, supposedly happily married, permission requesting, always cheating, spineless faggot, douchebag, a.k.a., charming. As a man, in America, you can be anything you want as long as it’s weak as fuck or fake as fuck. You can’t be fucking real without hurting everyone’s God damn fucking feelings which apparently matter more than anything else in this daycare, toddler, playground that used to be ‘Merica. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a trillion times, life and everyfuckingthing in it is a fucking game, just acknowledge that, then play to fucking win. In spite of what society wants me to be, I still wear Levis, but they’re dress Levis, I still wear black shirts, but they’re dress black shirts, I still wear a belt, but it’s a tactical belt with the ability to carry my holster securely plus 4 pistol & 2 rifle magazines, I still wear black shoes, but they’re dress boots that totally look like they could fuck you up without my intervention, I still carry 2 guns, 54 rounds of ammo, ear plugs, a neck knife, a pocketknife, a kubaton, a lighter, carbon knuckles, a handcuff key and train regularly on the use of all this shit, yet I look like your everyday mild mannered successful business owner, who happens to be able to kill your sorry ass in a 100 different ways. Adapt or die bitches. “A Real Man is always true to himself, fuck you if you don’t like it or him.”

Turns out, some of that shit actually worked, especially when I kept my fucking mouth shut. In fact it started working so well, I decided to move out of my awesome, but tiny apartment a year after I moved in and moved on up to bigger and better digs. I found a 2 bedroom condo, where my back door, led right out to the pond with a fountain overlooking the River and got your mother to help me renovate that motherfucker from the ground up. I paid her of course, I also fucked her in the Racquetball court one day, but that’s another story that you probably don’t wanna hear about. Remember, I divorced her, she’s helping me set up my new fuck pad for my new fuck bitches and she’s still fucking me. These are the type of things only A Real Man could possibly pull off. Even if a woman hates you, as long as you are always A relentless Real Man, she will continue to do shit for you that makes no logical fucking sense.  I also spent 3 months and a small fortune in the process, and eventually moved in to the most pristine fuck pad, I’ve ever had in my entire life. This mother fucker was mint! I replaced the Central Air, Kilzed everyfucking square inch of that motherfucker, replaced the water heater, painted every God damn inch as well, bought all new, very nice and very expensive furniture to include my Italian Red Leather fuck couch, just like John Hammond, I spared no fucking expense. You also finally had a place to keep all your shit whenever you came over. You didn’t have a full on bedroom yet, cuz I still needed an office in my house, but you were a little kid who loved sleeping on an air mattress in my bedroom so it was fucking paradise for both of us. I only had 1 tiny bedroom before and you were small enough to sleep on the couch which wasn’t very comfortable so I usually took you back to your mother’s house almost every night at bedtime so you could get a good night’s sleep. The one thing I never did was miss an opportunity to see you and be with you. We finally had our own place, Man’s Country and it was fuckin’ Awesome! “A Real Man always has his own place, and bitches can’t fuckin’ live there.”

Now that I was finally stable, it was time to get back to work of being an entertainer again, but how? I couldn’t go on the road to do comedy, you woulda fo sho ended up a crack head. I couldn’t get back on radio, well I guess I probably could if I were willing to work indefinitely for free and make sure to always stay within the confines of PC hell. Fuck that!  What to do, what to do? I got it. I’ll combine both, well three things actually if you count all the fucking writing I’ll have to do. Oh yeah, I may have forgotten to mention that part. Whilst in my teeny weeny apartment, I started taking this whole writing thing very fucking seriously and I’ve written for several hours almost every fucking day since then. I’m even writing right fucking now. At the time, I had just divorced your mother and my place was so tiny, that I could literally eat, sleep, shit & cook without fucking moving so I didn’t have much else to do and I wanted to become a better comedian and the ground floor to being a great comic is the writing, the writing, the writing, since as a comic, you’ll throw away most of what you write, so when I was home, I wrote so fucking much, I started writing my first book, well that and the shit happening in my personal and love life was so fucking bizarre I had to document all of it, cuz no one would fuckin’ believe any of it. I don’t fuckin’ believe it myself and I was fuckin’ there. Now that I had room for a real office in my place for the first time ever, I decided to set it up not only as an office, but a full blown recording studio for a podcast that would eventually take the world by storm, well some of it anyway. I spent another small fortune, buying gear, setting everything up and perfecting the format. I didn’t think much of it at first, but the show made it as far as Bagdad and the troops were sending us emails, quoting our shit with no marketing or advertising of any sort. I was really proud of that fact, especially when you consider the shit that came out of my mouth. “A Real Man always finds a way to work on his dream, even if no one else knows or gives a fuck about it or him.”

As if my life weren’t tumultuous enough already, your dumbfuck mother, against my direct fucking orders, decided to buy a fucking dog. You may be wondering why the fuck I would even care. Well, ya see, when your ex-wife, the mother of your child, whose hardly ever had gainful employment in her entire fucking life, who as it turns out doesn’t fucking have a job now and happens to be living rent and bill free in your house all of a sudden buys a dog, what that really means is I just bought a God damn dog and all the responsibilities and bills that come along with that little sombitch. Then you add the fact that we discussed it ahead of time and I forbade it aggressively and entirely, because she didn’t take care of the last fucking dog we had, the best God damn dog I’ve ever had, the longest pet I’ve ever known, because of all the fucking moving and my parents constantly giving all my fucking pets away and telling me that they ran away.  Your mom was too busy sittin’ on her ass watching TV to even feed the last fucking dog or get the poor guy a glass of fucking water while he was chained up outside to his fucking dog house in 95 degree weather, cuz she didn’t want him draggin’ dirt in the house and I was too busy workin’ my crack off to take care of all of us. Not to mention, as a puppy, it’s gonna tear up my fucking house and destroy everyfuckingthing I ever paid for. If all that weren’t enough, it’s gonna shit and piss on the carpet that cost me a God damn fortune, not that she would know or give a shit, never once having paid for anything. Does she even remember our last fucking dog? Does she remember how often he got sick and how fucking much it cost to take him to the vet? Of course fucking not, you know why, because she didn’t have to fucking pay for it. So I told her, let me tell you something sweetheart, I am not paying for this fucking dog, if this furry bastard gets sick, he’s gonna fuckin’ die and you’re gonna have to explain to your son, why his fucking dog is dead and before you tell him because daddy wouldn’t help you, I’m gonna tell him just as I’m tellin’ your non-listenin’, defiant, stupid ass right fucking now, I’m the God damn landlord, this is my fucking house & I ain’t payin’ for the God damn dog so don’t fucking do it. So of course she fucking did it. You got to love a country where a woman who’s never fucking worked a fucking day in her entire fucking life can destroy everything you’ve ever worked for all the while telling you to fuck off and make you pay for it at the same fucking time. God bless the new FuckYouErica! “A Real Man always love pets, strippers, gymnasts & porn stars.”

I’ve never actually met a single woman in my entire life who puts her children first after a divorce although I hear she exists in spite of the fact that all I’ve ever personally fucking witnessed with my own fucking eyes is every fucking one of them bragging about getting the house, the money, the possessions and destroying her ex at every possible opportunity, you know because it’s good for your children to see you legally robbing their fathers blind because he can’t do fuck about it. My Golden Child sister didn’t do it, my Unicorn wife didn’t fucking do it and every fucking women I have ever spoken to, known or been friends with didn’t fucking do it, but I’ll just ignore everything I’ve ever personally witnessed with my own fucking eyes my entire fucking life and keep believing the bullshit that I’m constantly fed. You know, if American men were allowed to do exactly what our ex’s do to us, you know like something resembling a balanced legal system, maybe, just maybe these cunts would stop attempting to destroy our lives every fucking minute of the God damn day since they’d be as busy as we are dealing with the problems we caused them. Maybe, but I doubt it, because they fucking love the fucking drama and attention way, way, way too fucking much. Men, listen to me, until the bitches in this country straighten the fuck out and the laws are changed back to something that’s even remotely fair and balanced, stop getting fucking married, don’t have fucking children and never, ever, ever let some bitch move in with you, not even her God damn toothbrush. Just keep fucking them, never, ever putting up with an ounce of their nonsense and keep tossing em’ in the fucking dumpster at the first sign of problems, until all these bitches learn to act right. I’ve been divorced for over a decade and no girl has ever been able to do an ounce of the shit to me that my ex does and believe me they’ve fuckin’ tried, but for some reason, the law although they’ll never fucking admit it publicly, even realizes, bitches be crazy, only problem is, they only consider the unmarried women crazy. Newsflash people, all married women who are batshit crazy, used to be unmarried batshit crazy women. “A Real Man always treats women fairly, fucking them over just as much as they fuck him over.”

So here comes the shocker, the dog, although absolutely God damn fucking adorable, started tearing up my house, immediately, who coulda guessed it, shitting and pissing everywhere, who could guessed it and eventually starts getting sick, almost loses an eye, a leg and starts incurring giant fucking medical bills, who coulda fuckin’ guessed it? And as if we’d never spoken once about it before it all happened, your mother called me and asked me to help pay the medical bills. Bitch are you fucking retarded? I’m already giving you 5 fucking times what the state requires me to out of the goodness of my own heart, I already told you not to get the God damn dog to begin with and I even told you, pre-dog I wasn’t fuckin’ payin’ for it. That dog will fucking die before I pay its medical bills! Here’s my favorite part of being divorced and dealing with women in general. I told her not to do it, I told her what the repercussions would be if she did, she told me to fuck off and did it anyway and according to her, her family and everyone she knows, I’m the bad guy. Well you know what, (“You all a bunch of fuckin’ assholes. You know why? You don’t have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin’ fingers and say, “That’s the bad guy.” ~ Scarface). Funny thing is, when I refused to pay the medical bills, her family paid them and then they made her get rid of the God damn dog and she as predicted had to tell you, the kid that just spent the last 6 months of his young boy life falling in love with his very first dog, that he had to give it up. Nice fucking parenting job, you stupid, fucking selfish, cunt. That fucking dog was never for him, it was for her. He was in school all fuckin’ day and she, because of an endless series of bad fucking decisions was all alone all fuckin’ day and being the dumb cunt she was becoming more and more of every day since our divorce, she just thought she’d make her problems, my problems, but unfortunately for her, A Real Man don’t play dat shit. “A Real Man always helps you with your problems, unless you fucking created them by being a fucking idiot.”

So the more shit your mother put me though, the more shit my bitches put me through, the more I wrote about the shit that just happened in general, the more I realized, I had no fucking idea how to be a man, how to control my fucking temper and how to out maneuver my ex, my bitches or the random shitheads at large in my life mostly because nobody fucking taught me. Don’t get me wrong, I was a man as far as being able to fuck a woman who’s actually capable of having fucking orgasms into a coma, to stand, fight and defend those I cared about or who needed my help and to be a good, upstanding, no bullshit kinda guy, but that only scratches the surface of what it is to be A Real Man and I aimed to get to the fucking bottom of all of it. My father didn’t teach me a fucking thing and everyfuckingthing my mother taught me was all fucking wrong, but I can’t keep blaming them forever, although I will. I needed to teach myself, I needed to unlearn all the bullshit and get some to the new shit, but first I needed to know myself. As a man you have to know your limitations. I’ve always known, I could never be a school teacher because I would choke the fuck outta any student that ran their fucking mouth at me and I also couldn’t be a cop, because I would be shootin’ every nigger that ever tried to fight me, escape from custody or not know when to shut the fuck up, which they never fuckin’ do. I ain’t chasin’ nobody, “st…”/ bang, that’s all you’re gonna get from me motherfucker, which is why I never owned a gun before. Because of the anger of my  childhood, I had no fuckin’ patience and because I had no patience, I didn’t carry a gun and because I didn’t carry a gun, I couldn’t be A Real Man. I wanted to be A Real Man, I wanted to carry a gun, I just wasn’t ready for that level of responsibility yet, so I got my concealed carry permit instead and I carried it every fucking day for five fucking years till I calmed the fuck down enough to get my first gun which wouldn’t happen for another year and a half after that. “A Real Man always learns everything he can about being A Real Man, even if he has to fucking teach himself.”

Good thing too, because 6 months to the day after I moved in to my beautiful, newly renovated from bottom to top condo, some meth addict, alcoholic, domestic violence, pile of unemployed, white trash, dog shit family moved into the unit immediately above mine which would have almost been ok except for the fact that they were God damn vampires that not only didn’t sleep at fucking all during the night, they also jumped up and down and all around and dropped beer bottle after fucking beer bottle on their tile floor, which was my fucking ceiling like it was the Miller Brewing Company St. Louis Missouri. To make things worse, I now DJ’d til 3am, 3 nights a week, ran my own very busy successful company 40 hours per week and attempted to spend every other available minute, I wasn’t trying to catch up on some fucking sleep with you and continue to prepare for and record my podcast. To say I was tired when I finally got in bed at the end of the day was an understatement and a half, but then every single fucking night 7 days a God damn week, MethFuck started his bullshit and never, ever stopped. I constantly slammed a broomstick up against my ceiling yelling for him to knock it the fuck off, I banged on his fucking door, telling him to his fucking face, got the building manager involved, contacted the condo association, paid large sums of money to the condo association every month to protect me from fucking renters & even got the police involved, playing them audio I recorded of his nightly fucking behavior and still, no fucking one did shit fuck about it. “A Real Man never loses his temper, unless you deserve to fucking die you fucking piece of shit.”

Then one day, I made a new plan, a brilliant plan, A Real Man plan that would make it possible to stop this motherfucker forever and keep the promises I made to you, my one and only son before you were ever born which gets harder and harder to keep every single God damn day. Promise # 1, I will never die before you turn 18 and promise # 2, I will never go to prison before you turn 18, but after that, all bets are fucking off. I’m not actively pursuing those things, I’m just not going to continue to traverse a 1000 miles out of my fucking way to avoid them anymore either, like I do now for your sake. So how in das fuken was I going to permanently stop a fucking meth head and keep my fucking promises? Simple, I was going to convince him to come down to my condo and physically assault me. Once he was inside, I was going to crush his empty fucking skull in with a baseball bat and then, finally be able to sleep like a baby in my own brand new condo for the rest of my life with the smell of his blood mopped into my beautiful floor. Now I know what you might be thinking, that’s a bit extreme and I get that, but I just spent my entire life savings buying and renovating my very first solo residence after walking away from and giving away my last residence and I’ve had to sleep on the fucking couch at my ex’s for the last 6 fucking months, because this fucking loser prick renter chose to spend his days sleeping and his nights beating his family and drinking. I honestly don’t think he’ll be missed, certainly not by me. “A Real Man always makes  perfect plans, killing your fucking ass might be one of them.”

So one night, I decided to spend in my own basement of insanity, knowing damn well I wouldn’t be getting a fucking minute of sleep and as usual MethFuck didn’t disappoint. Once again, I slammed the broomstick on my ceiling, screaming at the top of my lungs, every single time he dropped another fucking bottle, punched his wife or knocked his son to the ground which usually happened about 30 times an evening. The next day, first thing in the morning, I called him on his cell phone, slandering him, his wife and his child using every name in the fuckin book I could think of and warned him, that I better never, ever see his sorry, junkie ass outside his door ever again and hung up on him. Now all I had to do is wait. There was no fucking way, a man who beats his wife and child and isn’t afraid of the building manager, the condo association or the police is gonna let me get away with that kinda shit. He’d have to defend his honor. He’s gonna come down here, bang on my door and threaten to “knock, knock, knock”, there he is, this is it!, the moment I’ve been waiting for, for half a fucking year! So I walked over to the door, set my nice, beautiful brain raper down within my reach, opened up and started with what the fuck do you want you fucking scumbag? He started yelling and screaming at me at the top of his lungs, but I couldn’t see or hear him at all because the fucking cleaning lady was standing right by the God damn elevator 15 feet away from my welcome mat staring directly at us. She’s of course Hispanic so she’s nosy as fuck, isn’t scared & won’t turn the fuck around or leave. All I needed was for her to rotate her head for only half a second, so I could grab this prick by the collar, yank him inside, kick the door closed with my foot and send this motherfucker up to the cheap seats with my good ole America Louisville slugger. “A Real Man never swings first, but always swings fucking last.”

She didn’t fucking move. Fuck! I can’t fucking believe this shit! I cannot fucking believe I wasted all of last night, not fucking sleeping on purpose so I could end this shitfuck drug addict that attacked me at my own front door which required me to defend myself so I could stay out of prison and keep doing the best I possibly could to raise my only son to be A Real Man, all because this meddlesome bitch won’t fucking spin her fat ass away from the scene if the crime and he’s still fucking yelling at me. Maybe I can get him to come inside anyway. Maybe I can convince him to stop flappin’ his fuckin’ trap and put hands on me, maybe. Please God, I beg you, help me get this cocksucker inside my place so I can chop him up in a million pieces. You better get the fuck out of my face before I fuck you up old man. I’m trying to pick my words very vaguely and very carefully because this dumb bitch might understand English although it’s highly unlikely. We’ll that didn’t fuckin’ work. He’s still here talkin’ shit. Why don’t you, your ugly whore of a wife and your retarded dipshit son go back to the crank lab you came from, fuck off and die. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! He’s still just screamin’ at me. Wait! Wait! I got it! You are so fuckin’ lucky Ezmarelda is standing right there watching us, protecting you from the ass whippin’ of a lifetime you coward ass faggot, you probably asked her to be there so I wouldn’t fuck your bitch ass up and with that I turned my fucking back on him, leaving the door open so he would hopefully run inside and jump me. Yeah, I left the baseball bat behind me at the door, but he didn’t even know it was there and I was so fucking furious, I could have stabbed him to death with my bear finger at that point. Fuck! He never came in, he just walked away, like the fucking tool that he was, so I just abandoned my dream crib, all the money and work I put into it forever and bought another fucking condo. Welcome to new America. “A Real Man never insults a man’s family, unless he wants that motherfucker to swing 1st so he can take him the fuck out.”

3 months after buying the next condo, I was still licking my wounds, but I wasn’t in prison and I wasn’t dead which meant my son still had his father to spend time with, but I wasn’t very happy. I was fucking furious as well I should have been. It seems that although I’m the one that voluntarily served my country and worked my nuts off every day of my fucking life since I was 14, my ex, the addict and everyone else just like them were the ones with all the fucking rights. They can do whatever the fuck they want while the good, upstanding, hardworking, law abiding, rule following citizen sheep of America just have to take it in the fucking ass with a faggy, cum gurglin’ smile on our faces. To make myself feel better and to spend even more quality time with you and start doing more Real Man shit together I bought you a boat, but not just any boat, the absolute best, most expensive for its size boat I could fucking buy. To be totally honest with you, I had my suspicions it might also be a panty dropper, but I really did buy it primarily for you and I, although the excess labia did come in very handy. You can never have too much snatch in your life. After that, I hired a personal assistant, because my business was growing so well, who by the way was with me the day I got the boat which led me to take her for a ride which I coulda sworn would have ended in her fucking or sucking me at the very least, but didn’t. She was just another in a long line of girls in my life that invited me to sample her product one particular night, but because I was already at home and she was at a fucking parade with half a million fucking people at it and catching up and hanging out with her seemed like way too much fuckin’ work for not a nice enough body, I didn’t go and never got another fucking chance. Fucking bitches! I swear to God, women always fucking know when I’m not in the fucking mood to jump through their God damn make me feel like the most special bitch in the universe even though I’ve never done anything to warrant it special hoops and then throw the shit at me and no other fucking time. Anyways, that night, I had you with me and took you out on your first boat trip and you were the happiest I’d ever seen you, sitting on my lap, driving your boat. Now I just had to get you to ski. “A Real Man never buys anything to impress women, but if you feel like suckin’ my dick because of what I got, by all means, don’t let me stop you.”

Talk about shitheads running the world. In walks my renter. In her interview with her mom, although disgustingly fat and un-refined, she seemed like a nice girl, who just needed a chance. Her credit wasn’t great, but her mother was willing to sign the lease with her. Here’s another example of the undisputable fact that most women lie for no good God damn reason and they really don’t give a twat hair who suffers as a result. This fucking, pig, that I’ve been searching for, for fucking months ends up being late on her very 2nd rent payment and every single payment after that. Well that was a huge red flag. It got to the point that I had to ask for the rent money every single month in advance as if the first of the month always came a fucking surprise, but wait it gets better. The next thing she did was immediately started throwing late night parties, 7 days a week, keeping everybody in the fucking building up at night. Not my building, fortunately, I was now on the fourth floor in a new building 300 feet away and there was a huge fountain out back splashing water all night, so I couldn’t hear a God damn thing, but this was gonna get me in some serious shite with the condo association, the same fucking association that wouldn’t help me, just 3 months earlier. This is gonna be fucking awesome! “A Real Man always believes what women tell him, is complete fucking bullshit.”

As a law abiding, rule following bitch my entire adult life, especially after entering the military, I’ve always spent a billion hours going way out of my way to prevent shit that either was never gonna happen anyway or wouldn’t really affect me even if it did, but now that I’m very slowly, but very surely turning into A Real Man, turns out, this particular problem ain’t my fuckin’ problem, so I don’t give a fuckin’ fuck. As soon as the phone calls and letters started coming in, I started responding appropriately as warranted. I don’t give a fuck, sincerely, go fuck yourself. I actually had to remind the building manager and the condo association whom apparently all suffered from amnesia, that only a short few months ago, I needed your help and you didn’t do a fucking thing, forcing me to buy another God damn condo which I am also paying more God damn condo fees for, so you can only imagine my interests in helping you resolve this situation. Do not fucking bring this shit up to me ever again, oh and by the way go fuck yourself, she has 10 more months on her lease assholes. Good luck!  For your benefit, I’m finally learning to control my temper, calm the fuck down, out maneuver the evil pricks around me and not give a single fuck about any of it along the way. Through that entire fiasco, I slept like a baby and never once planned to murder anyone. I’m growing up and I’m getting material. Awesome!  “A Real Man always learns from his past, and makes sure you fucking learn from it as well.”

A couple of months later, my new found ballsack must have gotten the best of me because one night while DJing, I met and eventually hooked up with the hottest shot girl at the club, but it’s the way it all happened that I want to point out. It had literally been 2 years to the day since I’d last fucked black bitch or any other bitch for that matter and told her to fuck off and die and stopped taking her calls entirely and I was just entering into the best phase of getting women or getting pretty much anything in my life. For me, the less I gave a shit, the more I’ve always accomplished in every area of my existence and that goes for women as well. I was in the club one night, talkin’ to my boy, L.L., the head of security, when this adorable, 5’ nothin’, giant bresticled, tan as fuck, green eyed monster whom I’d never even seen before, walked up and started talking to him. I stopped her dead in her tracks and said, Hey, can’t you see that the men are talkin’? Go away and come back later and next time ask fucking permission before you interrupt us. I wasn’t hitting on her, I really wasn’t, I was simply correcting her rude behavior. I swear to God. I had learned a shit ton about women and dating over the past 2 years, but I was really just annoyed by her lack of respect for the men. Apparently, I triggered something inside her pubis region because she came back about an hour later to talk again and I had to tell her again, look sweety, you’re cute and all, but if you really wanna meet me and get to know me, just come help me tear down my gear at 2:30 when I get done working. I shit you fucking not, that’s exactly what the fuck she did. “A Real Man always puts in the effort, to make you fuckin’ act right.”

So we start dating, fucking, sucking, and literally having the absolute most fun I’d ever had with any girl before or since. Only 1 problem, well 2 to be exact, she was absolutely fucking insane and God must have been watching out for me, because he threw more side slit my way at that time in my life than I’d ever seen before or since combined. In fact, it got so bad at 1 point that I literally had to rub my fucking eyeballs every morning before I woke up and stare at who the fuck was in bed next to me before I greeted them, so I wouldn’t accidentally say the wrong fucking name and start an internation incident, because I couldn’t fucking remember for the life of me who I was fucking only a few hours earlier. Look folks, this girl was a fucking throwaway. I knew it, she knew it. I was cheating on her, she was cheating on me, I was being nice about it, and she was trying to rip my soul out through my asshole. I even told her, do whatever you want, just don’t fucking lie, but she couldn’t fucking help herself. I even told her we should have an open relationship, but she liked the charade more. She’d been molested by her father, her mother was an alcoholic cunt and they’d all been on drugs her entire life, so telling the truth just wasn’t something she was fucking capable of. She’d shat out a rotten son with her ex-con husband / boyfriend / baby daddy, whatever the fuck he was and I was really starting to turn him into a good boy and you needed another boy in your life and in between her bouts of raging, screaming, throwing shit, rampages, she really tried, really hard to love me, love you, love herself, become my wife and become your mommy. It was good most of the time for you, because you mostly saw that your daddy wasn’t alone, she helped you every night with your math homework, and she was an amazing cook, but she was completely fucking outta her crazy ass Italian fuckin’ mind. “A Real Man always tries to make it work, unless you’re a fucking psychotic cunt.”

So in between one of the million fights we had mostly because she woke up screaming at me like a fucking lunatic every God damn morning, I, in yet another effort to never let go of my dreams of being a professional entertainer, started performing Karaoke at a local bar that drew about 500 to 1000 people out every Friday night and as usual, I got tons of applause to include hot as fuck screaming girls eye fucking me while I was up there, but as soon as I got off the stage, without the spot lights and band backing me they suddenly realized what I really looked like and all of a sudden I wasn’t king of the world, back on the ground with the rest of the commoners. “A Real Man always appreciates a little attention, especially when it keeps his woman on her fucking toes.”

You may remember me mentioning about 5 pages and 4 years back that all I asked my wife in return for leaving her the house, everything in it and paying all her fucking bills for eternity was that no one else ever fucking move in my house with you, well it took much longer than I expected, but it was finally time to get my fucking house back. A couple of times in the past a car or 2, one of which belonged to a fucking neighbor of mine in my own fucking condo complex, spent the night, but I’m not a total prick, she can’t drive and even though she was in direct violation of our divorce agreement, everyone needs a little company sometime. Being nice to your mother, once she became my ex-wife was the first mistake I made in my divorce. Don’t think so, just watch this shit? One day outta the fuckin’ blue another car stays over 90 fuckin’ days in a row as if the first fuckin’ guy were a fuckin’ pilot program. How do I know this? I used to get off work late as fuck 3 nights a week and I had to pass my house to get to my condo and this fucking little faggy douchmobile was always fucking parked there. I’d go pick you up on my nights, drop you off the next day and your mother, actually looked me in the fucking  eyes and told me, with a straight fucking face that no one lived there, they’re just visiting and they haven’t been there very long. No wait it gets better! One day, while I had you with me, you told me, you really wanted to watch your Back To The Future DVD Set. No problem buddy, we just have to run over to the house and get it, your mom’ll be happy to see you. Turns out mommy’s new boyfriend and her were fighting and he threw her out of my fucking house! I’ll say it again for those of you not following along with the play at home game. Mommy’s new boyfriend kicked her out of my fucking house and he won’t let me in either even though I have the fucking keys in my God dam hands. “A Real Man never comes in uninvited, but it’s my fucking house so technically I can fucking kill you.”

I love you so much that I completely suppressed my natural instincts to unlock the door to my fucking house, tie this motherfucker to a spit, douse him with gasoline, set this fucking hispigger on fire and watch him melt away as I feed your mother smores I cooked with his burning body. I love you so much, I didn’t drive over to the Hen House, drag her out by her fucking hair and stomp her God damn face through the driveway. I love you so much, I just got back in my truck and went home to plot out exactly how I was going to resolve this shit without going to prison to get ass raped by Tyrone or without dying in the process. I made you a fucking promise and I’m gonna fucking keep it, even if I have an aneurism in the fucking process.  Oh fuck, I can’t do that either! I shouldn’t have to, I should absolutely be able to kill the both of these useless motherfuckers, because they’re not only breaking their agreements, they’re also laughing in my fucking face about it and handing me the fucking bill, but if this were only 100 years ago, before everything in America turned completely upside down, they wouldn’t be pulling any of this shit because they would fucking know better, but in the new America, the victim and the women are always fucking right no matter what the fuck they’re doing and the good, honest, hardworking men like me are being fisted and robbed of our rights and of what’s right while footing the fucking bill for all of it. Well that shits coming to an end. Hear me now, loud and clear, your days are fucking numbered shitheads. The Rated ARM Rebellion’s gonna fuck your shit up for good and the best part is you’re so fucking distracted, by Kardashian, Trump, Transgender, nonsense you’ll never fucking see it comin’! But I digress! Long story short, I waited till one day when was no one was home, went inside and took a million pictures proving that this cocksucker’s not only not visiting, he’s taken up permanent residency, against our divorce agreement in my fucking home. “A Real Man never retaliates for things that are done to him, not immediately, revenge is a dish best served cold.”

Then I contacted my shitbag, wife cheating, doucefuck attorney and found out, that even though your mother’s in 100% violation of our initial divorce agreement, I now had to pay him more fucking money to get her lying ass kicked out of my fucking house. Why is it, I always have to fucking pay for everyGoddamfuckingthing? She’s the one in fucking violation. So of course I pay, have a new agreement drawn up and take it to her along with the millions of pictures I took of that piece of shits stuff all over the place since he was in fact living in my fucking house. Once again, since I’m still a bit of a mama’s boy bitch, while your mother’s stomping me in the nuts, I make her an offer to stay in the house so that once again you don’t have to move, change schools, lose friends and especially since you’ll be moving away from me to God knows where, but I’m not a fucking idiot. Before I make the offer, I ask your mother how the fuck it’s ok in her head for me to continue to come over here and take the trash to the street, cut the grass or fix broken shit when you have another fucking man living here. If he’s not paying the fucking rent, it’s the God damn least he could fucking do. This bitch actually tells me, because it’s your job. The fucking balls on this bitch. I swear to Christ if I didn’t have you, I would’ve fucking choked her eyes right out of her fucking cap the second she said that shit to me. Ok, you can stay, but you’ll be a renter and so will he. From this day forward if you want to continue to live in my house, I need the first and last month’s rent and a security deposit, both of your names will be on the lease and all bills and utilities will be transferred out of my name and into yours. You’ve already been in violation of the divorce agreement for 90 days so pay 90 fucking days rent or get the fuck out immediately you dumb bitch! “A Real Man always starts off rationally, until you force him to fuck your shit up.”

Now here’s where shit gets real stupid. At the time I was still making good money, I still had more than I needed, but I was still a bit of a bitch and I still wanted to be a good, fair father and example to you, so I only requested that her new piece of shit boyfriend and her pay only half the total that I could have easily gotten for the house at the time, but instead, they both told me to fuck off, stole a bunch of my shit, moved out and rented another fucking house at double the price. I guess they figured since I was gonna be paying the fucking rent anyway, why not move on up, and to their credit, they were absolutely fuckin’ correct, but not for very long. I also made sure that the new divorce agreement modification made it illegal for her to take anything from the house when she left. It’s not that I wasn’t willing to give her everything, although she never paid for any of it, I wasn’t willing to give it to some douchebag she just fucking met on myspace and even though she still stole tons of shit she legally had no fucking right to and eventually lost to myspace as expected, she didn’t take anything I wanted to kill her over, unless of course you count every single fucking picture that has ever been taken of you. That Fucking Cunt! Once again, I’m not a complete idiot. I took all the videos of you out of the house the day I discovered her shitstain boyfriend was living there, because I knew your mom would steal them from me when she moved out and now she’ll never fucking get to see them. “A Real Man always helps his ex-wife, follow the rules or pay the fucking price.”

So they moved out and I moved back in and got back to my normal life as just another hard working schmuk, put through the fucking meat grinder wheel that is the American no justice for the white, single fathers, system. I kept dating the crazy Italian shot girl, in between fighting and breaking up and not speaking and yada fucking yada until one day she finally got the better of me. After over a year of waiting for me to give a shit about a throwaway that everybody else wanted or at least wanted to fuck, she eventually got tired of my shit and started dating some rich douche she met at work. She was such a good liar and I paid so little attention to her bullshit that I never even saw it coming. One night during my DJ shift of course, because why would she do it when I could actually do something about it, she was feeling me out to see whether I wanted to see her or not after work, which I didn’t and she eventually & suddenly fell off the grid & stop taking my text or calls all together, so I drove over to her house after work. She was still hot as fuck and I still wanted some pussy. I didn’t wanna see her, but she was fucking attached to it, so there you go.  Her car wasn’t there so I broke in and searched the place. The only strange thing I found was that the crazy fucking dog Mangles, my parents gave her via my trick of bringing her over for a day and its cage were both missing which instantly told me she wasn’t coming home tonight. Then I remembered a few weeks earlier, her son Damian, spilled the beans about a guy that I’d met a year ago who volunteered to babysit the little shit which I thought was fucking bizarre until he also went out of his way to give us a grand tour of his waterside estate as if to say, this could all be yours if you ditch the DJ and play your cards right sweety. Talk about cock blockin’! Fuck, I’ll bet she’s cock rockin’ that fuckhead right fuckin’ now! At the time, I didn’t do shit about it, because I didn’t see the guy as much of a threat, mostly because he was old a fuck, but mostly because she had always talked so poorly about him whenever she FUCK! That lying fucking whore! If some guy were flirting with my women in my fucking face today, I would beat him to within an inch of his life, twice, after warning him politely first, but then, dead man. “A Real Man never lets anyone get the better of him, but an amazing pair of tits makes it fuckin’ impossible to think straight.”

So I raced over to rich fucks house like a mental patient, which luckily for me had a very unusual street name, which I remembered and found the two of them having a nice  romantic evening together, which I could see by spying through the windows. Motherfucker! I banged on the door just to let her know she was busted, told her it was ok, I’d always known she was a fucking whore, I just didn’t understand why she always felt the need to fuckin’ lie about it. I love whores, all men do, I just don’t like lying whores. No girl has ever left or cheated on me since my high school days, that I know of, but I’m also not nearly the little bitch I used to be. Yeah he’s a millionaire, but he’s also a faggy, little creeper, doucebag and I may be ugly, but this guy’s fucking hideous. Everything I’ve ever learned about women and dating over the last few years has taught me that I can get this bitch back and by get back, I mean revenge. Oh sure, he’s got a fat crib on the water in the nicest part of town, a convertible Benz and spent thousands of dollars on jewelry and purses and trips and shit, but the fact that he spent all that money just means he’s an insecure, overcompensating short little troll, who land land a bitch like that on his own and now it’s time to find out, just how accurate the millions of hours of information I’ve fisted into my brain are. Granted, I was pretty good at getting women by now, especially if you count all the chicks I banged since meeting this one, but A Real Man needs to know everything he can learn about them to include how to keep one and get em’ back if he happens to lose one, although I can’t imagine why anyone would wanna do that.  To leave her of course. Paybacks a bitch! C’mon fellas keep up.  “A Real Man never loses his woman, but if he does, he can always fucking get her back.”

No seriously, this girl was such an incredible fuck and so much fucking fun to be with when she wasn’t being a raving fucking lunatic, I decided to try a little experiment and actually give a shit about her and actually work on our relationship a little and really try and see if she could possibly, maybe end up being my wife and your mother, well step monster anyway. You have to understand my insanity. Have you ever had a girl whose pussy fits your cock just fucking perfectly no matter how hard, soft or what angle your hittin’ it from, or a girl whose entire body feels like it was cast molded in heaven solely to fit your hands, no matter where you grab her, or a girl who purposely chokes herself to death, making her eyes own water and almost pop out of her fuckin’ head because of the sheer vigor in which she sucks your cock on a daily basis anytime, anywhere, or a girl who truly hates the taste, consistency and immeasurable volumes of your cum, yet volunteers daily to swallow buckets of it anyway, even if it makes her puke, or last but not least a girl that squirts 10 times more than you do every single time you finger or fuck her and proves it by leaving puddle after giant fuckin’ puddle all over the God damn house, the car, the boat or anywhere I earth she might be fucking your brains out? Of course you haven’t, you’re just a kid and you haven’t had any pussy yet, but one day soon hopefully, you’ll know exactly what the fuck I’m talking about. I’ve had many women in my life that were mediocre at 1 or 2 of these tops, but she’s the only one I’ve ever had that was a fucking Olympic champ at all of them simultaneously and let me tell ya ladies, we men, even us Real Men will put up with a ton of your shit for some pussy like that, but not for forever. I would have sold my soul to the devil himself to get that girl back and I think I almost did! “A Real Man always appreciates a woman, who can suck and fuck his brains out.”

And once she was done cheating on me and taking expensive trips with doucheface not to mention the one last goodbye fuck she had to get out of the way the day before we went on our 1st and only vacation together, we both promised to be 100% committed to making our relationship work from that point on. I still fucked her that night in case you were wondering, even on her used bed sheets and a pussy full of another man’s cum. She was a whore, I was a whore, we just whored separately instead of together which is all I really ever wanted. I still remember, she actually came back home that day with part of her dress stuck up her gorgeous bubble booty ass, in her panties, she had the worst fucking case of bedhead I’d ever seen and little unfamiliar blanket balls stuck all over her. She also had to change her thong the second she walked in the door, because the other one was full of dudes jizz, not that it helped her smell any better. This bitch actually had the nerve to tell me she’d been working, which looking back at it now, if you’re a raging whore, I guess that probably was the truth. Once again, it wasn’t the fact that she was getting dick somewhere else I had a problem with, God knows I was gettin’ as much pussy as 1 single father, business owner, nightclub DJ had time for. I just never lied about it. Not once! Here me out. When I met my ex-wife after having my heart ripped out, stomped on and set on fire some previously super evil, lying, fucking cunts, I decided I wouldn’t do the same shit that was done to me to anybody else. So anytime any girl ever asked me where I’d been or who I’d been with, I’d always answered the same way. You really want the answer to that question? If one of them along the way including my ex-wife would have said yes, once, I would have answered them with 100% honesty, shown them pictures and invited them to shoot the next video of us at the very next opportunity, but as it turns out, women aren’t remotely fucking interested in the truth, only what they want to hear or believe. “A Real Man always tells the truth, don’t like the answer, don’t ask the fucking question.”

By this time, the economy collapse was starting to fucking catch up with me. What I mean, is that I have always been the son of a car mechanic and a secretary with no fucking ties to any blue bloods or people with any inside knowledge of what was about to happen in the world and once it fuckin’ stared, I did everything I could to hold on and hold out for as long as fucking possible, but it was of no use. Fearing the end was near, I wanted to do something nice for you and your mother, maybe for the last fuckin’ time, because before myspace came into the picture, I used to frequently invite your mom to go with us and I paid her way to go to the movies, theme parks, bowling, you fucking name it, just so you still got to spend some quality time with both of your parents together, not fighting and to help her with the fact that she had no money of her own and virtually no way of leaving her house. On one particular day, I asked her to join us on a boating trip to go see some manatees and if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear to God she was trying to fuck me the whole time, but fuck that! You know what, sometimes I feel like a fucking idiot because I am such a slow learner and I keep fucking forgiving people that have repeatedly done awful things to me and I keep giving them opportunity after opportunity to prove themselves a changed person over and fucking over again, only to be reminded, over and fucking over again that No Good God Damn Fucking Deed Goes Unpunished! Not a single fucking day of my life goes by without the media, some women or some man that acts like a woman preaching at me to forgive, that anger only hurts me, or some other readily available vomit quotes on the merits of forgiveness, but fuck that! Life is just like an action movie. Whenever you don’t kill the bad guy or today’s super badass, ninja, hacker, navy seal, special forces, sniper, UFC 22 year old girl girl in every single fucking thing that has ever come out in the last five fucking years, you will see that motherfucker again at the worst possible time and he / she’s eventually gonna put you in a situation where you have no fucking choice but to kill him or her, so before he / she catches you off guard, permanently injures you, or kills someone you care about, which will fucking happen, just execute the bitch right off the fucking bat and save yourself all the God damn trouble. The first time someone shows you who the fuck they really are, fucking believe them. Your mother was the fucking Czar of punishing me for being nice to her, never once when we were together, but a billion fucking times since then. “A Real Man always tries to be kind to everyone, who fucking deserves it.”

Her and the myspace cocksucker, the greatest man that ever walked the face of the earth according to your mother & her entire fucking family were suddenly having problems and he threw her out of their new house once again, you know the one she co-signed the lease for and was fully furnished with all the shit he stole from me to include the TV’s & shit he bought with your child support money and the Sam’s Club card he applied for by forging my fucking name on it. Yeah, that motherfucker. Please tell me again, why I can’t kill this Puerto Rican shitbag thief, by bleeding him to death with a million razor blade cuts, keeping him alive as long as humanly possible in the process?  Why can’t I  soak the streets in his nigger blood and why I can’t keep you the fuck away from a documented felon who keeps kicking your disabled mother out of her own fucking house every God damn time they have a disagreement caused by him coming home days after he leaves disheveled smelling like booze and skank juice? Oh yeah, I know this one. Because I’m a white, law abiding, upstanding businessman in America and your mother is a woman therefore automatically clear of any and all wrong doing, shacked up with this hispigger that doesn’t give a fuck about the law?  It would be racist to monitor his behavior and every single motherfucker working for children and family services that I ever had the pleasure of personally dealing with was some exceptionally jaded, nigger, cunt that hates all men, especially white men regardless of their personal documented history as an upstanding member of the community. I can accidentally fart in front of you and children and family services will come running to take you away from me and lock me up, while your mother can mainline heroine while getting raped in the ass by this spic coon as he’s bashing her in the back of the fucking head with brass knuckles on video, right in front of you and no one and I mean no fucking person on earth would give a flying fuck about it. The only thing I can do is go to prison or die in the process, but I made you that fucking promise. Why the fuck did I make that fucking promise? “A Real Man never has any desire to harm anyone, except scumbag fucks that need to be removed from existence.”

You know instead of all these school shootings, maybe someone or a bunch of someone’s should start shooting up all the children and family services offices around the country until these motherfuckers wake up and realize what they’re doing to the good men and families of this country. Now I’m sure most of the men forced to go to these places are giant piles of shit and shouldn’t be above ground to begin with, but maybe just maybe the good guys shouldn’t be treated like the rest of these shitbags either. And besides if people did start shooting these places up, most of these scumfucks would get caught in the crossfire so it’s a win win! “A Real Man never condones violence, unless it solves the fucking problem.”

Now that my entire fucking life was beginning to fall apart, my clients weren’t paying any of their fucking invoices and I owed thousands of dollars for customers parts that I’d never get reimbursed for, your mother, for the most part throughout our entire dating / married / divorced life who was always pretty fuckin’ cool, started becoming more and more of an insufferable gigantic fucking cunt every single fucking day in spite of the way too many numerous attempts I made at keeping the peace, not for me, not fo fucking her, but for you. If it was up to me, I would have taken her ass on a fucking fishing trip, chained her to an impala and dropped her in the middle of the God damn ocean after slitting her fucking throat for robbing me blind & telling me to fuck off after giving her endless opportunities to stay in my house and then keeping you away from me, but you saved her fucking useless life the minute you were born and she fucking knows that. If anything ever happens to you, she’s fucking done, after all the shit she put me through. Fuck that bitch! Once she moved in this new house, with her new superhero boyfriend Capt. PuertoNigger, she stopped taking or returning all my calls and texts, all together, keeping you on my days and my weekends without ever once asking or even informing me, she also started going out of town on vacations for extended periods of time without ever once asking me or even fucking notifying me for that matter, all of which the wonderful people at children and family services, couldn’t give a rabbit turds fuck about in spite of the fucking fact that it was onceafuckinggain in direct violation to our divorce agreement. However if I had done any of that fuckin’ shit, I would have lost all visitation rights forever and probably went to prison for fucking kidnapping you. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!  I hate this fucking system. These motherfuckers need to pay. “A Real Man always keeps his cool, even while blowing up an entire building full of white man hating, fat black cunt, children and family services workers.”

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and take a guess that the man that her and her entire fucking family considered to be the God damn Messiah, may not have been all he was cracked up to be, a fact that has plagued me my entire life and I’m guessing will continue to do so, mostly because every girl I’ve ever fucked, thought or at least told me outright, I wasn’t shit once I left them, even after sometimes years of drinking my nutshakes on video, yet spent the rest of their lives trying to duplicate me and our relationship, which is evidenced by the multitude of failed liasons and lack of fucking wedding rings along the way, something that gets harder and harder to do every fucking year cuz as A Real Man, I never, ever let up on improving myself, while they continue to fall apart, physically, mentally & spiritually, which isn’t hard to do when you put in zero fucking effort, as I’m over here killing myself, day in, day out, so good fucking luck ladies. Oh, there’s plenty of children being born, just no fucking rings, since almost any man will fuck almost any woman, but almost no man will marry a total fucking psychopathic, spoiled rotten, cunt, except of course Kanye, but he’s a little bitch too, so it’s more like a lesbianic partnership than an actual fucking marriage. I’m only telling you this because miserable people spend all their time trying to make other people miserable, so before I broke my promise to you and killed all the motherfuckers involved in this story and a million other motherfuckers I’ve yet to mention, I tried one last time to do a little something for myself to keep my own sanity, although looking back at it now, it probably wasn’t the best fucking idea I ever had. “A Real Man never gets replaced, it’s fucking impossible.”

So I went out on my first real date to a wedding reception with my newly rekindled shot girl romance, because you can’t really count me fucking her doggy style on a public pool deck chair while smacking the skin off her ass for 2 hours at my condo complex 2 weeks before and I noticed, probably because of the Muumuu she was wearing, making me look bad to all my boys, that her arms, therefore probably the rest of her body had gained some fucking weight. Now it’s entirely possible she had that shit 2 weeks ago or before we parted ways a few months back, but I was ripped outta my fuckin’ mind from the bar we started the night at and I was also delirious due to the lack of cum in my balls before she left me, but I don’t think so. That’s ok, I’ll be an asshole now, even more than before, because not only did I get her back from the millionaire who spent a year’s salary on her in the 3 months she was with him, but she also came back to me months after I sent her the strangest, yet most, if not the only heartfelt, faggy, begging for her fucking forgiveness text message in the world dictated entirely through you by God himself. Well I would never personally send a message to a girl like that and mean it, but if that’s what God wants that’s what God gets. Who am I to question the man, the myth, the legend? There I was willing to strike a deal with Satan, yet God was the one helping me out. Go figure! “A Real Man always does God’s will, even if he’d rather fucking not.”

The fact that I fucked her like a cheap hooker in an bum pissed alley within the first hour of getting her back, only cemented what she already knew which was, she was totally fucked. She was also the most narcissistic bitch I’d ever met in my entire fucking life, so all I had to do is mention the arm fat when she was riding my cock again, immediately after I came and right before she got hers, telling her, your arms are fuckin’ with my head bitch and its making me limp and she’d be right back in the gym first thing Monday morning, fucking yet another trainer. Do you fucking see what’s happening here? I came into this world a nice person, I was taught and coached and fucking lectured over and over and fucking over again to be a nice, sweet boy and for that, I got fucked over and over and fucking over again and here I am being the biggest fucking prick in the God damn universe and totally winning! The fucking Matrix is alive and well folks. I’ll be honest, I freaked out a little bit, the night she ditched me, it hurt more than anything has ever hurt in my entire life while she was gone, to the point where I lost sleep, lost weight and started getting’ a little coo coo talking about her everywhere I went, to anyone who would listen, but once I got her back, the very second I came on her ass crack and in her hair instead of inside her flawlessly formed vaginal walls like I usually did, that night at the pool, for the first time ever in my entire life, suddenly, I knew, right then and there, no women would ever have any power over me ever again. I was finally becoming a full-fledged Real Man with regards to women and it was time to have some real fun! There’s a shit ton of other stuff I needed to master but Women and Money were # 1 and 2 on the list and money has always been much easier for me than women, just like for most men. “A Real Man always masters his life, money, power, woman.”

Now that my heart and mind were completely impenetrable by any women I fucked or had a kinship with including my very own Kryptonite a.k.a. shot girl, it was time to take bigger risks and gain greater rewards than ever before. Women will always fucking test you and on the way to tonight’s festivities, this bitch decided to test me once again and I gotta give it to her, it was a fuckin’ doosey, but I no longer had the weak little bitch inside me that had a tendency to show up when things weren’t going exactly my way. She happened to mention, rather non-chalantly as we were on the interstate driving past the performing arts center that she had one more date to go on tomorrow morning with the millionaire, his kids and her rotten son, Beelzebub. I simply said ok, what time? She told me it was a morning show, because she wanted to keep it strictly friendly and he’d already bought the tickets and they were expensive and it would be rude and Jesus fucking Christ woman, get to the fucking point already. Again, showing no emotion whatsoever, I told her no problem, I get it, just let me know when you’re done because my parents invited us over for dinner with all the kids. All the kids being my nieces, nephews, her fucking hellion and you buddy. 2 can play at this game bitch. My parents asked me about this week’s ago when we weren’t even talking, but now that you’re trying to make me nervous, I’m gonna show you just how fucking confident I really am. You’ve been dying to get close to me and in with my family since I first shot a load down the back you’re your throat and tomorrow, immediately after going out with him, you’ll finally get your fucking chance, but not if your rendezvous runs a minute fucking late for any fucking reason. At least you think you will. If this were to happen today, I’d immediately pull over on the highway and kick her through the fucking door, but that was then and this is now.  “A Real Man never gets surprised, by always assuming you’ll do the dumbest fucking thing possible.”

So after the reception, we headed down to a bar up the street to continue that which we always did best as a couple, outside of fuckin’ of course which was gettin’ fucked up, not that we weren’t already there thanks to the open bar at the reception. Funny, this girl told me on our very first lunch date that she didn’t drink, at all, yet on our very first real date, she got totally fuckin’ hammered, not quite shitfaced, but certainly tipsy, slurring her words, stumbling, you know rape ready, as if she’d never even fuckin’ said it or I had early onset Alzheimer’s. It must be strange to lie so fucking often, the truth is completely irrelevant to you, but hey, we can’t all be perfect. So now that I was really, really, really fuckin’ drunk, after hopin around for hours and hours at a bar, just like we did on our very first date over a year ago, I looked her right in the eyes as we were dancing and told her that I loved her and just like on our first date when I tried to kiss her, she rejected me, she of course, didn’t say it back and just like on that very first date, I laughed my fucking balls off in her face and just like she asked me on that very first night, why the fuck are you laughing while faking anger and punching me in the chest, I told her just like I did on that very first date, I’m laughing at you because your fucking dumb. You couldn’t believe the 1st night we went out that you wanted to fuck me, let alone kiss me, because I never did anything to make you like me and you can’t fucking believe right now after all we’ve been through that you’re in love with me, you’ve been in love with me since our first date and you’ve never felt anything like this, but I don’t need you to say it back, or ever for that matter, because I can see it in your eyes. You’ve never been so happy in your entire fucking life and you don’t know what the fuck to do with yourself. “A Real Man always has confidence, enough for fucking everyone.”

That’s it! I got my girl back, from a fucking millionaire without spending a fucking nickel on this bitch, but I’m slowly losing everyfucking thing else in the process. Your mother, whom I’ve always gotten along with hates my fucking guts and is making my life and spending time with you fucking impossible. I can no longer pay for my first condo and its starting to get really fucking difficult to keep paying on the second and my house and my truck and your boat and your child support and everyfuckingthing else, but I can’t just give up. I have to show you that A Real Man never, ever fucking gives up, he either dies on the fucking battlefield or he wins, but he never fucking gives up. I’ll work harder, I’ll make more money, I’ll be nicer to my pain in the fucking ass clients, I’ll do whateverthefuck I gotta do, I’ll start cutting back on everyfuckingthing, but first, If I’m goin’ down, I’m goin’ down in a blaze of fucking glory or at least a puddle of alcohol and pussy extract. I’m writing all this shit down because you need to understand that everything I’ve ever done since you were fucking conceived, I’ve done for you, even the shit I did for me, because if I didn’t do it, I would have fucking snapped, killed somebody, probably your mother, ended up in prison or died in a shootout with the po po and not been there for you buddy. Krypotnite was having a hard time making money, I was having a hard time making money and it looked like it was only a matter of time before we were both fucking homeless, so Kryptonite and I having re-ignited our passion for one another decided to take the last little bit of credit we had left on our plastic debt machines and spend half a week in Key West to start fresh. That was the last vacation I ever had and it was almost a fucking decade ago.  “A Real Man always sacrifices himself, even while drinkin’ & fuckin’.”

It’s a long fucking drive to Key West, but the time flew for me that day because kryptonite blew me for half of it, but not your standard, in between passing cars and trucks, oh my God, someone’s gonna see us blow job. She never once, fucking stopped, never flinched, never even acknowledged all the trucks that were honking at us or even the fucking police that waved us through a couple of intersections with malfunctioning lights even though I tried to stop her, kinda. Granted, she was kneeling in the seat across from me with her dress up over her hips, her bare ass sticking up towards the passenger window while I was fingering her, but she just didn’t give a fuck. I don’t know what she thought I was up to while she was away, but she was bound and fucking determined to out do whatever the fuck it was. I’ll tell ya what, she must have learned some new shit in our time apart, because although she’s always pretty been great at sucking cock, she was way better at delaying gratification than she had ever been before which for me, really is my favorite kind of blowjob to begin with. Why shoot instantaneously when you can drag it out for a good 3 or 4 hours making it impossible for your women to talk a lot for a few days or so while her jaw recovers, is what I always say. That and it makes the payoff so much more explosive. She’ll see. My first date with this girl was the best out of a million dates I’ve ever been on with any girl in my entire life, before or since except for the fact that we didn’t end up fucking that night and this trip, although I didn’t know it yet would be the best trip / vacation I’ve ever had and it started off with a very slow blow so it really can only go down from here. Did you even see what I just did there? “A Real Man always appreciates a little effort, especially in the form of public fuckin’ road head.”

Once we got back from our Margaritaville soiree and reality started bitch slapping the fuck out of both of us, I decided to do yet one more thing to continue my non-stop pursuit of being an entertainer and keep my newly rekindled love on her fucking tippy toes. Listen up fellas, you can either be interested in your woman and her nonsense or she can be interested in you and your awesomeness. Trust me, its way more fucking rewarding for both of you, if she’s interested in you and your shit. Most women are natural born followers, besides, other than bringing her hot friends over for you to fuck, as A Real Man, what the fuck could she possibly do that you might be remotely fucking interested in? You should be living a life of CANI anyways, Constant And Never Ending Improvement and she should be living her life of WWTFYD or Watching What The Fuck You’re Doing and always be in fucking awe of all the shit your capable of, especially since you didn’t tell her about any of your shit beforehand. For instance, I never once mentioned to her that I placed an online ad to join a band and ended up convincing them to change their entire fucked up band plan and join my band. They wanted me to sing shitty songs that women hated and I convinced them that we should sing party songs that made their panties fall off. Everyone involved had way more fun my way, including my newly invigorated shot girl in spite of the fact that I forbid her to come to our practices for the first few months which drove her absolutely fucking nuts. Remember, she first liked me because I was some asshole DJ, but she completely lost her shit when I became the lead singer of a rock band. I didn’t do either one of them for her, I did them for me and you, to lead by example that you should always, always, always follow your fucking dreams, she just happened to be lucky enough to be in my life at the time, instead of hanging out with another boring as fuck lawyer, doctor, businessman, etc…“A Real Man always keeps things fresh, and her panties fucking soaked.”

Now here comes the real fun. All the money was finally gone, no one was paying their fucking invoices, I’d already stopped paying on my 1st condo long ago, then my second and finally your house, my utilities, my cell phone bill, the one I ran my fucking business with & my brand new fully loaded FJ cruiser, the one I ran my fucking business with. Unfortunately, I couldn’t stop paying on your boat because some giant breasted Italian freak I’d always hoped to fuck the shit out of on said boat was on the fucking loan with me, because she had a boat slip and I didn’t and A Real Man never ruins anyone’s fucking life except his own and her and her voluptuous tata’s didn’t fucking deserve to go down with me, on me, yes, with me, not so much. Fuck! I wish I never bought that fucking thing. Making boat payments when I didn’t have enough money to feed you has taken more years off my life than anything else I’ve ever been through or so I thought. It was just a matter of time before they came and towed my FJ, but instead of being a fucking idiot who gets left holding his dick, stranded somewhere I shouldn’t be at the worst possible fucking time of day and having all my shit stolen by the tow truck company, I just left it at my girl’s house and started driving her car everywhere I went, including the band practices she wasn’t fucking allowed to attend. Ha ha ha ha ha Man, I gotta admit, that was a dick move. “A Real Man never makes his problems, your problems, but it wouldn’t fuckin’ kill ya to whip those melons out every now and then bitch.”

I also had to pay your moms cheating, assfuck, attorney once again to change my visitation rights with you because he never fucking mentioned to me I could’ve had you more often than I had for 4 fucking years now and I had never been fucking divorced before so I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing, which was why I fucking paid him all that fucking money in the first God damn place. I swear as God is my witness, I’m gonna torture that motherfucker in a basement for 11 years 1 day. My girl and I were back together, but it wasn’t going well. She was right back to being the crazy cunt she’d always been and was furious at me for searching for my next domicile without her. Well she wasn’t on the fucking guest list, so why the fuck would I take her to inspect a place she’d never live? There is zero fucking logic in moving in with a girl who you can’t fucking get along with at all when you’re only banging her 1.5 days a week as it is. That fact was completely lost on her. I can’t begin to express how much fun it is to wake up every single morning next to a girl completely full of and cocooned in your clam chowder, whom you’ve been next to all fucking night because you haven’t moved an inch from the God damn bed only to find out that she’s already fucking furious at you about something, especially when just 6 hours earlier, she was screamin’ fuck me baby, fuck me, instead of whateverthefuck she’s screaming now. “A Real Man understands all women, are fucking insane.”

Me, not having a car and needing to borrow hers and staying over at her house where the fucking car was on a regular basis was giving her a level of confidence and entitlement of my time that I’d never seen with her before. Once again fellas, once you need a woman, or she thinks you fucking need her, you are totally fucked. At least they think so. Funny thing is, my parents had 1.5 cars per person at their house at the time, they knew I’d just lost mine, they also knew that my girlfriend was a fucking psychotic cunt, especially since she finally showed them her true colors on a camping trip not so long ago and not once did either one of them, ever offer to let me borrow one off the lot. Those are quality fuckin’ people right there, I gotta tell ya. Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention, my mother hasn’t had a fucking job in 20 years and almost never leaves the house, which means she hardly ever needs her fucking car and you wonder why I’m such an angry fucking bastard. All that mushy shit you’ve ever heard about family, doesn’t fucking apply to mine. Fuck those people! Well, I guess this relationship is over. I’ll just keep fucking her until I can’t even stand the thought of doing that anymore, which is really hard to image, cuz this bitch is still hot as fuck and a freak among freaks, but in the meantime, I’m gonna start brushing up on my hunting and capturing of the feminine persuasion skills again. After catchin’ this one, the next batch of cum dumpsters should be a fuckin’ cinch, but just in case she was a fluke, I started watching every movie, tv show and reading every book I could get my hands on about men that are incredible at getting women, Californication being my favorite, only problem is, I don’t look like Hank Fuckin’ Moody.  “A Real Man always needs a woman in his life, someone has to suck his dick and clean the house.”

It’s good to be psychic because on one fine Sunday afternoon, my entire band, my girl and I headed out to a pool party at a local resort to chillax. Well that was my plan anyway, but my girl had been out of town the night before on a business trip where she fucked one of her co-workers, making her doubt my whereabouts, while my bass player and I went to check out the next bar we were scheduled to play at. Anyhow she called me while I was there and endlessly busted my fuckin’ balls for going out to a bar without her. I’m guessing she really didn’t like it when I hung up on her and turned my phone off either, but at least Judas and I had a good laugh about it. It’s fucking hysterical when someone who constantly cheats, always assumes you’re doing the same. If I actually got all the pussy this crazy whore gave me credit for, Hugh Heffner, Larry Flint & Bob Guccione themselves would’ve begged me to be their personal tutor. Guilty conscience much? I really just wanted to go to the bar and hang out and get a beer. Sure I woulda fucked some hot bartender or random patron if they threw the pussy at me, but I rarely have any desire to cheat on any girl that fucks me as hard and as dirty as this one does and that has never once happened anywhere I wasn’t DJing, Singing, doin’ Stand Up or somehow being the center of fuckin’ attention in my entire life, but I just couldn’t convince my crazy bitch that that was the case. Besides, have you seen me? Ok, well it actually it did happen for the 1st time ever just last week. I was at a local coffee shop for a meeting and a smokin’ hot, small breasted, incredibly assed, blonde, unicorn threw some pussy at me, but she was with her friend and I was so out of fucking practice, because of my obsession with Rated ARM that I totally fucking blew it. Training people! How many fucking times do I have to say it? Sorry, let’s get back to the fucking story. Well, Judas brought it up the next day at the pool party as cock blockers, attempting to fuck your shit up often do, her head immediately started spinnin’ around and I finally had to leave her once and for all, it was either that or strangle her on the fucking spot. Oh yeah, I also stole her purse, car & cell phone too. What had happened was, I got sick and tired of listening to her shit, realized I was just about to permanently subdue her, grabbed her shit and said let’s go bitch, thanks for fucking up another perfectly good day for no fucking reason as I walked towards her ride, but it was more important for her to stand there, arms crossed, bubble head bobbin & weavin’, causing a fucking scene, runnin’ her fuckin’ mouth than it was to contemplate the fact that she was 30 minutes away from home, with no fucking form of transportation, communication, currency, or clothing, but at least she got to look cool standing there making sure everyone knew who the boss was. Obviously not you, ya stupid bitch, because you got left fuckin’ behind by your own car, but when you were cryin’ your eyes out at 11:30 that night on the phone with me and I still hadn’t come back for you, it started to fuckin’ hit ya pretty quickly, didn’t it bitch? “A Real Man never abandons a woman, unless his next move is strangling her to fucking death.”

You might be saying to yourself, big fucking deal, you left some angry bitch at some pool party with some friends, they can just give her a ride, but that’s because you’re not fucking paying attention here, oh and there’s some other shit I haven’t even told you yet. 1st of all, almost anything you do as a white, single father, businessman in current America can land you in fucking jail and I just stole this bitches fucking car, purse, keys, cell phone & dignity in 1 fell swoop, in front of 20 eyewitnesses, not the smartest fucking move I’ve ever made, but theft charges beat murder charges hands fucking down. 2ndly, through absolutely no fucking fault of my own, other than the lack of ability to see the future, I was about to lose my driver’s license the very next day and I’d known that fact for quite some time. 3rdly, I had no fucking idea if and when I would ever get it back in spite of the fact that only 3 months earlier, after handing over a small fortune to my lying piece of shit, good for nothin’, wife cheating, scumbag, assfuck attorney who looked me square in the eyes and promised me, there was no fucking way I would ever lose it, here I am, 3 months fucking later, without the fucking money I gave that fucking asshole and without my God damn fucking driver’s license. What the fuck? The fucking point I’m trying to make here for you boy and you fuckers following along at home was that I knew that night as I was walking away from her forever, that I was not going be able to fucking drive anywhere tomorrow or any other day after that, months ago. I also knew that even if I was ok with breaking the fucking law and driving anyway, which I fucking wasn’t cuz as it turns out, the penalty for driving with a suspended license due to child support issues is, pay close fucking attention here folks, 5 fucking years no God damn driver’s license, because it’s easier to fucking work without being able to fucking drive, especially when your city’s public transportation system fucking sucks goat dicks and is littered with God damn convicts, not to mention, the fact that my fucking truck had already been repossessed months ago. I even knew that if I wanted to continue to drive or better yet, be able to continue to work in my own fucking business, at the club I DJ’d at or to my weekly fucking band practices, all I had to do was let her fucking crazy cunt bullshit slide, apologize for doing nothing fucking wrong, onceafuckinggain, kiss her beautiful bubble booty, tasting the cockjuice of the last guy that was in that motherfucker yesterday and she would’ve happily driven my sorry ass all over God’s green earth until I had a new license and a new vehicle, however long that took and she fucking knew it too. If all that weren’t fucking enough, I also knew as I was driving away that I was leaving the hottest, freakiest, most exhibitionists pussy I’d ever had and would now be stuck in my fucking house like some piece of shit, felon, scumbag on house arrest with no pussy, no income and no one to fucking talk to at all except myself for God knows how fucking long. “A Real Man never fears anything, shit fucking happens and he just fucking deals with it.”

Now what the fuck was I gonna do? Well, as it turned out, there wasn’t much I could do. In fact the only process I could repeat with any regularity, since I had all this new found, unplanned, fucking free time on my hands was to train, train for the fucking day when this nightmare would eventually be behind me, train to never, ever let another woman get me so fucking mad that I stole her fucking sled from her and abandoned her dumb ass 30 minutes from home at night, train to not lose all my fuckin’ money, possessions and life as I knew it simulfuckingtaneously, due to a lack of education and diversification, but most importantly, train on how to be a real fucking man, a man of action and the first action I was gonna take was to not miss one single fucking day of spending time with you, my one and only son in spite of the fact that I now had no transportation, no license and no one to fucking drive me to see you. If I’m really gonna be that man, the one that solves fucking problems, the one that a son can be proud of for eternity, I’m going to have to jump my black ass on my fucking bicycle and ride 8 God damn miles through the fuckin’ hood unarmed & terrified on the way back every night in order to see you. If this were to happen today, I’d be strapped like Tony Montana lookin’ for cockroaches, but that was then, this is now. The absolute best part of losing my fucking driver’s license was being able to tell you why I lost it in the first fucking place. Because your now greedy cunt of a mother and her free loader, loser, Puerto Rican forgery fuck faced boyfriend are pissed off at me because they rented a house they couldn’t fucking afford assuming, as usual, I would get stuck fucking pay for it and the only retribution they could come up with was to make it impossible for me to see you. Well, guess what mother fuckers, wrong again, just as they were wrong about myspace moving in my fucking house, locking your mother out of my fucking house and telling me to shove my house up my ass instead of manning the fuck up & renting it from me, cuz here I fucking am and there is nothing anyone without a fucking badge can do to keep me away from you and although your mother has illegally done so many, many, many fucking times already, I won’t give her the fucking satisfaction of volunteering myself to go to prison until you’re all grown up and don’t need me anymore. It may still happen, but I am trying. What kind of fucked up legal system do we have in place where a sweet, mama’s boy bitch, nice guy, law abiding, citizen can be pushed to the brink of a murderous rampage by a woman who’s never worked a fucking day in her life, therefore never paid any fucking taxes to pay the cocksuckers that made all these God damn backwards ass laws that fuck good men in the ass till they fucking snapped? “A Real Man takes every opportunity to improve himself, even being trapped in his own fucking house.”

There’s a program by my # 1 favorite, be a fucking man trainers of all time besides myself that is, that I was introduced to years ago, ok we’ll he’s not actually known for that because it’s not sexy / headlinery / douche baggy enough for today’s soulless, plastic, Kardashian society, but once you really dive into his shit, you’ll quickly discover that David De’Angelo, my brotha from anotha motha really has a lot to say with regards to getting’ your shit together as a man, as a real man, as an authentic man and unless you’re a cocksucker, why the fuck would you wanna be any fucking thing else? I’m not saying you should get all self helpy and start lookin’ at, readin’ and watchin’ his shit, what I’m really saying here is that you should dive head fucking first into anything and every fucking thing that will train you, re-train you and sustain your ability to become, be and exemplify everything that is A Real Man 24 hours a fucking day without exception. Notice how I keep droning on and on and fucking on about training, because there is no fucking substitute for the real fucking deal. I have watched, listened and read every fucking thing there is on the subject and nothing even comes remotely fucking close to walking the walk. I know it sounds like a lot of fucking work and believe me, it is and I would fucking know because I have personally done it now for over 12 fucking years since my fucking divorce without a single God damn day off which makes me a fucking expert on the subject, probably the best expert in the world and perhaps a good reason to hear me the fuck out. From the day I was born til’ the day I’d served your fucking mom with papers, I’d always been focused on gettin’ pussy and gettin’ things, neither of which have gotten me my fucking legacy. Oh sure, the pussy was great and the things were pretty good too, but there had to be more to life than the exact same shit every other man is perfectly capable of getting. There had to something that I and I alone was put here to do and once I no longer had the ability to leave my fucking house for an determined amount of fucking time, once I wasn’t continuously distracted by my crazy cunt girlfriend that hated herself so much she was determined to make me hate myself right along with her, once all the fucking noise stopped, I found out what the fuck it was. “A Real Man always searches for his legacy, and gives every fucking ounce of energy he has to it once he finds it.”

I would say without any fucking hesitation, David D’s program, Man Transformation single handedly helped my dumb ass more than anything else, I’d ever found. The message was straight from the father I’d never fuckin’ had. It was the exact voice I needed, exactly when I needed it, telling me exactly what the fuck I needed to hear. I’d already spent 4 years consuming all his other materials before ever bothering with MT even though I had had it in my possession the whole time, because when I first got divorced, the only thing I wanted to do was catch up on all the hot young pussy I’d been passing up or missing out on as a married man, but after following his material and eventually fucking 5 different girls in 1 week using it, all of them within hours of each other on one fine day, something I hadn’t done since I was a teenager with relatively little effort on my part, I realized maybe pussy wasn’t the end all be all I was always brought up to believe it was. Don’t get me wrong, I still have several countries in the United Nations I fully intend on visiting, 1 pussy at a time unless more are available, but every man with the proper training can get almost any girl he wants, it’s just fucking exhausting and usually not worth all the fucking trouble. Not every man can change the entire world for the better, mostly because no one’s fucking interested in doing so, but even if they were, they couldn’t figure out how to do it and thanks to David D. & God himself, I have, therefore I must. I was forever enlightened by the message of MT, because just like everything else David has ever released, none of his work has anything to do with tricks, manipulation and lies which unfortunately all work incredible well, since most women actually prefer to be tricked, manipulated and lied to, but everything to do with being the best version of yourself you can possibly be in every single fucking way shape and form. Just like I always say about believing in God, whether you do or don’t is irrelevant to me as long as you live like you do, there really is no downside. “A Real Man always discovers the reason he was put here, so don’t get in his fucking way.”

It looked like things were finally starting to turn around for me. My court date where the your fucking cunt of a mother who took my license away didn’t show and my fucking, scumbag, cock sucker, attorney who promised me before I gave him another pile of cash that I would never fucking lose it in the first God damn place was there. The judge read a buncha shit out loud, to my attorney who didn’t say much and I finally got my fucking license that I should have never, ever, ever, fucking lost to begin with back, as long as I immediately paid another fucking fine, you know because, it was easier to go make more money when I hadn’t been able to work in the last 8 fucking weeks, but wait, here comes the best fucking part. We got out of the courtroom and this fuckface attorney spent the next 5 minutes patting himself on the fucking back for getting my license back, the same fucking license he promised me I would never fucking lose. I just kept my cool and gargled on his ballbag till he went downstairs to the file clerk with me and made everything all legal and shit, but if this had happened today, I would have repeatedly shanked that motherfucker right where he fucking stood until there was nothing left but a pool of useless prick, cock sucker, shithead, attorney blood all over the courthouse floor and then took a shit in his chest. God damn I hate that motherfucker and I sincerely hope I get the opportunity to watch that motherfucker bleed out one day cryin’ like a bitch, shittin’ himself, while I’m kicking him in the fuckin’ face with steel spiked boots. “A Real Man never seeks revenge, and by never I mean fucking always.”

In my haste of dying to drive again, I jumped the gun a bit and bought the biggest pile of automotive dog shit I’d ever I’d ever owned, well the 1st one anyway, I’m on my second at the moment. In my efforts to completely turn myself into more of a man than I’d ever been before, it was time to change even the kind of vehicle I drove, it was time to get a 4 x 4, which I did, but against my ex-mechanic fathers advice, I bought a lifted 4 x 4 with oversized tires, which translates into someone else has already tortured and raped this shitbox for years and you are now buying someone’s fucking headache, but at least I had fuckin’ wheels, which meant I could fuckin’ work again in my business, go back to DJing at the club and drive 30 minutes to band practice 3 times a week to take my band to the next level of superstardom. Only one fucking problem remained, Judas the bassist, the same motherfucker that ran his fucking mouth and cost me my giant tittied shot girl, the same prick that I personally fought the entire God damn band to allow him to join and repeatedly fought to keep that piece of shit in the fucking band against the will of every other member, because they were all a bunch of no talent prima donna dicks and didn’t wanna split the money 5 ways with someone with some actual fuckin’ skills spearheaded kicking me out of my own fucking band, because I missed the last 8 weeks of practice. Hey, I don’t know if you guys remember this or not, but I didn’t have a fucking vehicle, a fucking driver’s license, a fucking girlfriend to drive me there and no fucking family or friends that were worth a fuck, not to mention if it meant so God damn much to you for me to be at practice which was my fucking idea by the way cuz you lazy fucks always wanted to wing it, then why the fuck didn’t you just fucking come and fucking get me? Wait, I know this one. Because you are all a bunch of back stabbing, no talent, shitheads that deserve to fucking die violently and painfully. “A Real Man always let’s go of the past, once he fucking kills you with his bare hands.”

So now that I had even more unsolicited free fucking time on my hands with no band, no band practice, no girl to fuck and fight with, no fuckin’ money and no God damn friends, I decided to focus more intently on my pimp game than ever before. Even when my whole world’s falling apart, a little pussy every now and again always makes me feel just a little bit better. Just in case my street knowledge was slacking, I also decided to join an online dating site, to cover all my fucking bases. I’m still a club DJ, I still go out nights and now I’m online, although I didn’t stay online for long because the first and only dinner date I went out on was with some pig who’s photoshopped profile picture made her look like a fucking supermodel when in reality she looked like she swallowed a few supermodels on top of the fact that she ate half the God damn menu which costs me a fucking fortune. Once again, good, sweet, mannered riddled, mama’s boy bitch, just sat there listening to her drone on and fucking on about her life fucking story and paying the fuckin’ tab even though this date ended for me 2 seconds after I first laid eyes on this fucking whale. We did however talk a bit about her young, hot daughter and it even appeared like I was gonna get to tap dat ass, but mommy never handed over the keys to the kingdom and I just wasted 3 more hours of my fucking life with no chance of ever getting them back. As with everything else I put my mind too, after watching, listening and reading everything I could get my fucking hands on about women and dating, to include everything from David D, Style & Mystery, I kept the stuff that worked for me and shit canned all the rest. “A Real Man always becomes an excellent student, by doing everything that fucking works.”

One of the most profound fucking things I’d learned and put into effect immediately was something that came from one of the most unexpected sources, which is another reason why you should always study every motherfucker out there, maybe not all their shit, but you should at least hear em’ all out, if only for a minute, because you never fucking know where someone who might otherwise drop a duce, drops some science instead. Although this guy named Mystery does have an incredible body of work, there is something so extremely douchey and convoluted about his approach, the way he dresses like a total bitch and the complete and utter fakeness about him that it makes me want to fucking vomit, but he still has some great insight and shit to say, he just has the wardrobe of a fucking drag queen and as A Real Man, I have no tolerance for that faggery and have very difficult time taking anything he says seriously. Anyfuckinghow, I believe Style whom you should also research, was rockin’ a comb over, losing his hair, goin’ through Chemo / whatever and was self-conscious about it and Mystery gave him the sage advice to shave his fucking head, which I gotta admit ain’t the most profound idea to hit the stratosphere, but his reason for telling him to do so was and in spite of his personal inability to look like a fucking man himself, he was able to help turn an otherwise unbeatable self-perceived weakness into a strength and isn’t that what we’re all supposed to do with our weaknesses? Well you are, I don’t fucking have any. The point I’m trying to make here is that most of our limitations are fucking imagined and the faster you realize that shit, the faster they’ll evaporate. So Mystery told Style that shaving his head was a choice and going bald wasn’t and with that pure gold, I immediately and continually started shaving my fuckin’ head. I was never once concerned with the fact that I was going bald, because it really didn’t seem to matter to anyone, at all, ever, well maybe except all the guys I was surrounded by that sucked with women, but I’ve pretty much always been balls deep in as much ass as I preferred to put effort into obtaining, but it never once occurred to me to just shave my fucking head as a big fuck you to my hair. You think you can control how the fuck I look hair, then fuck you, you are fucking gone bitches. Who’s in control now motherfucker? “A Real Man never worries about the way he looks, there’s nothing to worry about when you handle your fuckin’ business.”

I didn’t stop there though. I was bound and fucking determined to change every single aspect of my fuckin’ life through sheer force of will to become the man I’d always wanted to be, but more importantly, become the man you, my son could look up to, emulate and leave a fucking dent in this planet and the only way to do all that shit was to become powerful, but not just powerful in the sense of having money, I’ve had money for most of my working life and some power along with it, but I’m talking about something else entirely. I’m talking about being powerful being exactly who the fuck you wanna be and no one else, no exceptions, no room for interpretation, no fucking compromises. I wanted to be a good man, a good father, run a good business, have good friends, and have a good life overall, but I also wanted to do all of it on my own fucking terms and when you consider the fact that I’m living in Generation fake as fuck, selfie porn, millennial shitheads, being A Real Man is the last fucking anyone wants to be around. Empty, charming, lying, deceitful, ruthless, greedy, 2 faced, faggy, doucebag, fucks, you got it, but Real, no fucking thank you. I even went so far as to join an adult kickball league named the Pocket Rockets which is a euphemism for masturbating thinking maybe finally, I’d met a group of adults that weren’t politically correct, took life way too fucking serious and might possibly be able to have a good time. “A Real Man is always authentic, which means he spends a lot of fucking time alone.”

Well that didn’t work out too fucking well either. They were all a bunch a phony ass, back stabbing, hatin’ mother fuckers too. The only guy the girls were even remotely fuckin’ interested in hanging out with was the rich guy, the only guy the guys were fuckin’ interested in hangin’ out with was the rich guy. Hell everyone but me, even the referees and players from the other teams were interested in the rich guy. Oh, we got along just fine, I just couldn’t give a fuck that he was rich. I’m not a chick who can use my tits to get my money grubbin’ hands on paper I’ve never earned so some other guys bank account has never, once been a fucking concern of mine, just whether he was a shithead or not. I’m also not a dingle berry, a hanger-on-er or a woman, someone who hangs around someone just to see what they can leach off the poor fucker. As a matter of fact, some guy that I’ve known since I was like 8 fucking years old is a Billionaire with a B and all he ever fucking talks about is his success and his deals. Who gives a fuck shithead? What good are you doing for the improvement of mankind motherfucker? Buying another faggy douchevertible to impress your so called friends ain’t fuckin’ helpin’ anyone and that’s why I don’t fuckin’ associate with your materialistic, one uppin’, wife cheatin’, son wreckin’ ass. I’m trying to build myself a real fucking life with real fucking meaning and I’m totally surrounded by useless fucking piles of empty, soulless, materialistic shitbags. Even without being rich, I’ve had more money than most of the people I’ve ever known for most of my working life and I’ve never given 2 fucks about it, never mentioned it, never rubbed it in, never used it as a sales tool to get and attract friends, girls, approval or any of that shit. Ever! Maybe if I leave what used to be my country, I can find some real motherfuckers somewhere else. So I paid the 200 fucking dollars to get a passport photo and a passport which got fucking declined, because I was behind on your mother’s new TV’s, vacations and loser boyfriends, you never saw a fuckin’ dime of that shit, child support payments. I’m sure they fucking knew that before they took my God damn money that they never fucking gave me back, but they never once fucking mentioned it and I got fucked once again by your fucking greed striken cunt mother and the God damn women are always right, let’s destroy the white, single father, businessman government again. The exact same fucking government that had nothing to fucking do with creating the planet or you or your mom is now telling me that because I owe her money to take care of you that she never fucking uses on you, I can’t try to keep my fucking sanity by taking a week off from my fucked up life and visit another part of the world that doesn’t resemble the place where all my fucking problems exist as if it’s impossible to disappear in or out of this country. Do you know how many fucking illegals are here right now, living off the fucking grid, getting paid cash that they don’t have to pay fucking taxes on? Of course you do, but that doesn’t fucking matter does it? All that fucking matters is that the law abiding citizens / a.k.a. / the stupid fucking sheep, the ones who work their fucking asses off to earn an honest living, do what the fuck they’re supposed to do so they can stay worried, over insure everyfuckingthing and keep the fucking fear, slavery machine going by paying way too fucking much in taxes. “A Real Man always appreciates America, it’s the fucktards that run it that need to be wiped off the fucking map.”

Speaking of paying too fucking much for something totally not fucking worth it. In an effort to plant one more my daddy was a good fucking father memory in your developing noggin’ I, against my better judgement took your young ass to Disney World. I’ve never paid so much money to be so fucking bored and creeped out in my entire fucking life, not to mention the fact that compared to Universal Studios, which we have been going to for over a decade, it’s a God damn shithole. How the fuck does a 100 billion dollar company charge people that much money for a place that hasn’t so much as painted a fucking railing, scraped up a single piece of gum off the walk way or washed the fucking footprints off 1 wall in the entire fucking complex since opening almost 50 fucking years ago? Before you anti-capitalists jump all over me, I am all for fucking capitalism, believe me, I would be fucking charging you to read this shit if I thought I could get you to pay. I just believe it should at least look like the vendor gives an ounce of a shit. Disney clearly fucking does not and doesn’t fucking pretend too either. After that I, once again, against my better judgement, bought you a yearlong gym membership which you used one fucking time, because you would rather be at the fucking hen house playing God damn video games then get some fucking exercise, something that will cost you dearly as you get older if you don’t fucking do something about it now. How is it that I am more than twice your fucking age and I can run fucking circles around you in every single athletic endeavor? I love you with all my fucking heart, but you need to get off your lazy fucking ass and get some God damn fucking exercise boy and don’t look at me like I just murdered your fucking puppy every time I try to take you outside to do so. I am doing this for your own God damn good! As a child, I circled the fucking globe either on a skateboard or a bicycle which is the only fucking reason I can still do shit now. The only thing you’ve ever circled is your moms fucking couch or the tip of your dick jerkin’ off alone in your bedroom because every single fucking time you’re over there, she’d rather let you play God Damn fucking video games 25 hours a day then spend 10 seconds being your fucking parent in spite of the fact that you had a fucking seizures from playing them so fucking much, another fact children and family services couldn’t give a fuck about. You are just a fucking paycheck to her and it makes me fucking sick to my God damn stomach. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! I hate the fact that I can’t fucking do shit about this! My own God damn country is against you growing up and being A Real Man. How the fuck do I fix that shit? “A Real Man does everything for his children, and makes sure those motherfuckers appreciate it.”

As A Real Man, I not only have to fucking protect you from the outside world, but I especially have to protect you from the people closest to me, mainly the fucking nutcases I’ll have to date until the next unicorn arrives. One said nutcase was my Asian persuasion, my little Ling Ling, a.k.a. Tink, short for Tinkerbell, which I eventually changed to Stink in my phone once her attitude started needing a daily fucking adjustment as they always do, because this was the shortest bitch I’d ever dated, almost a midget really, but once she took all her close off and started begging me to fuck her in the ass as hard as I could, I’d forget all about her bullshit right up til’ the second I came in her cornhole and she’d start runnin’ her fuckin’ mouth again, but we’re getting totally off track here and I’m losing my ability to concentrate on anything other than my raging hard on. Because I’m a white, single, single father, business owner in America and I know that my own country and legal system are out to fucking destroy me which has been so eloquently demonstrated through the public school system, divorce court and  children and family services time and fucking time again, everything in the media and my own personal run in’s with Johnny Law, I knew that eventually after this bitch, like every other bitch that didn’t get what she fuckin’ wanted, would eventually try to just take it or ruin my life like most women as opposed to just going somewhere else and trying again, you know, the way A Real Man would. What all of that means is that you have to disarm them, before they ever have the ability to destroy you. You can’t ever let them move in with you, you can’t ever marry them, you can’t ever get them pregnant and, you can’t ever let them meet your children, but most importantly, you shouldn’t even allow them know you have children. If they magically find out, you know by the endless investigation / interrogation and general snooping around, you should deny it till the kids are grown and never, ever let her know what they look like. I know, I know, I’m being paranoid right, but immediately after needing to have this slant eyed psycho bitch arrested, since I couldn’t legally knock her the fuck out, she tried to turn me in for abusing you and the only thing on earth that saved my white ass was the fact that she’d never met you, there were no pictures of you around the house, on my phone, on my computer, in my social media feed, you know, all the places they normally search and destroy and she had no fucking idea what you even looked like. That’s some genius level preventative maintenance for your ass. Good fucking thing too, because the very next whore that walked through my door, begged me every God damn day to babysit you, usually when we were in bed while I was fucking the shit out of her, which always felt kinda strange to me, but then again, I’d never met a bitch with so many daddy issues in my entire life. Needless to say, she didn’t fuck you, but maybe if you were a little older at the time and I was totally done fucking her myself and I was 100% sure she wouldn’t kill the both of us in triple homicide, she would have been a great 1st piece of ass for you, she would have taught you things I really have no desire to discuss with you and saved you about 10 years of masturbating and learning shit on your own, because she was such a well versed slutbag. “A Real Man never allows his children to be in harm’s way, especially from bitches that want to take them away from their parents or fuck their brains out.”

You may recall the 1st condo I bought myself and spent my life savings renovating so I could have a nice, peaceful place to live, but then had to move out of because of the fucking meth head that lived above me, whom I tried to murder, but never got the opportunity, so I moved out, bought and renovated another one and then rented my 1st one to some fat bitch 10 times worse than Methfuck. Then the condo association wanted my help to kick her out.  The same useless shithead building manager that wouldn’t do a fucking thing to help me with Methprick, was furious at me for fat party bitch and her escapades and the fact that I wouldn’t do dick to help him out so he decided to fuck me as deep and hard in my ass as he possibly could and he almost fuckin’ got away with it too. Apparently as soon as fatty moved out or most likely after I moved off property entirely, this motherfucker started using my condo as his own personal Home Depot, stealing the appliances, fixtures & plumbing and to clean his tracks, he vandalized the shit out of the place, going so far as to spray paint “fuck you keep it” all over the walls I spent a small fortune Kilzing and painting to either make it look like I vandalized the fuckin’ place because I lost it in foreclosure or my previous renter did it, when I refused to renew her lease, but why? Why would some old, dried up, crotchety, wannabe homeland security fuckface that’s lived in America 60 fucking years yet still can’t speak the God damn language do all of this shit to me or anyone else for that matter? The only thing I can come up with on top of personally knowing how much of an insufferable fuck this angry prick is, was the fact that anyone that volunteers to be the building manager of a condo building that they actually fucking live in, probably has some fuckin’ kind of superiority complex issues and probably always has. Condo’s in and of themselves have enough fucking rules to make any sane person batshit bananas, but then someone has to walk around and enforce them all and I just can’t even imagine what it’s like to want to be the gatekeeper of a million imaginary rules that don’t do anything to progress mankind forward 1 fucking centimeter, but then again, I’m not a total fucking prick either. I say he almost got away with it because he fucking didn’t. Knowing in advance how much of a slimy fuck he was with regards to the way he handled everything that ever happened with my condo and unbeknownst to him, I changed the locks and took a million pictures of it the day after my renter moved out. After he robbed me blind and completely destroyed the castle I’d dumped a fortune in less than a year earlier, he started sending me notice after fucking notice of all the repairs I was going to have to make to it in order to bring it back up to association code. When I failed to respond after about a year or so, he called the city code enforcement to get them to make me to do it. Well God must have been watching out for me that day, because luckily for the 1st time ever in my entire life, the government, although city, not state or federal actually took my fucking side. Of course it didn’t hurt that I had photographic proof that everything I was being accused of was a complete fabrication and although my initial reaction to all of this fucking nonsense was to meet the building manager at my post pad as if I was going to cut him a check and instead chop that motherfucker up into a million fucking pieces and feed each of those bits into my garbage disposal and wash him down the fucking drain, out into the bay, the fact that he had already stolen both and I still had a promise to keep to you, made that fucking impossible. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck! Why can’t I chainsaw this scumbag motherfucker? “A Real Man is always prepared, to fuck you right back in your ass.”

That’s it! I can’t fucking take this shit any more. 100 years or less ago, I could’ve ended this mother fucker right where he fucking stood for all the shit he’s done to me and everyone around would’ve agreed and helped me string this motherfucker up in town center. Today, he can just fuck with me over and over and fucking over and I can’t do a God damn fucking thing about it. Wanna bet bitch? In my furiosity towards the spiraling descent to shitpile USA, knowing the fact that you, my one and only son still has to live in this hell hole for another 60 something fucking years, and it is 100% likely you will have to deal with all, if not more of the same shit I’ve had to go through, if someone doesn’t fucking do something to put a fucking stop to it, I decided to stop sitting around and watching the wheels go round and round. It was time to start kickin’ ass and takin’ names, killin’ em’ all, lettin’ God sort em’ out or as the US Navy Seals so eloquently put it, “God will judge our enemies, we’ll arrange the meeting”. So until your 18th birthday, I can’t literally kill this shitbag because I made a fuckin’ promise, but I can devise a system where motherfuckers like this don’t stand a fucking chance, never rise to power from the get go and will be required to straighten the fuck up or die a painful fucking death and with that I immediately purchased 2 domains, ALAFMA.com & ActLikeAFuckingManAlready.com. The 1st one reminded me of NAMBLA too much, which I can’t fucking believe is an actual fucking thing, but those sick, twisted fucks need to die, all of them, at the same fucking time, on video. Just give me a clean shot and I’ll do the shit myself. Maybe, just maybe, if enough people hear my stories, see what my actions were and what my results were, they would not only stop ignoring everyone’s inexcusably fucked up behavior and keep taking it in the fuckin’ ass, but start auto correcting the motherfuckers through, threats, violence and or total annihilation before they ever become condominium building managers in the first fucking place. Stop living in fucking fear and take a fucking chance will you? Knock someone whose bein’ a total dick the fuck out or at the very least make them believe you will! I promise you, 99.999% of the time, it will never, ever, come to that. I have personally jumped down the throat of every single motherfucker that’s ever unnecessarily fucked with me or anyone in my care in any way shape and form to include, my parents, my friends, my girlfriends, my wife, my bosses, as a civilian, in the military, the owners of companies I’ve worked for, my own clients and its only bit me in the ass 1 or 2 times tops in my entire fucking life. No one in my universe gets a free fucking dickhead pass, they get fucking checked. Granted, I could be richer, I could be more popular, I could be a fuckin’ sellout, just like everyone else, but I can look myself in the mirror every God damn day, knowing full well, I gave everyone and everything all I had to give to include my worst when fucking warranted and if my best wasn’t good enough then fuck them to death. I sleep like a fuckin’ baby every night, I love myself more than anyone else could possibly ever love me and I will eventually be rewarded for the man I have been and continue to become in this life or the next, either way, I’m fuckin’ good. So what’s your fuckin’ excuse, what the fuck are you waiting for? Let the bodies hit the floor! “A Real Man never makes threats, he won’t follow up with violence and total devistation.”

So now that I was finally doing what I was always put here to do, it’s your turn you little bastard. I broke down and bought you your first drawing book, because after waiting years and years and more fuckin’ years for you to get over not wanting to ever play catch with me, baseball, football, frisbee or otherwise, you also didn’t fuckin’ like skateboarding, exercising, working out, running, lifting weights, shooting handguns, crossbows, machine guns, shotguns, drinking, knee boarding, hitting a punching bag, flirting with girls, or just about anything under the sun that’s manly or doesn’t involve sitting your lazy fucking ass like watching YouTube videos, playing video games or jerking off, something you became an Olympic Gold medalist at. The one thing you did kinda latched on to was going to strip clubs, and I comprende, but that shits fucking expensive as fuck and as an 18 year old who still hasn’t had your first fuckin’ job yet and someone who didn’t get laid in high school, which is basically like going to the hottest club in town 35 hours a week, there’s no fuckin’ way you’re gettin’ laid in a strip club, not without selling a God damn kidney anyway. The only reason I landed on the drawing book idea was because after spending a billion hours of my life researching something other than your top 3 mentioned above that you might be remotely fucking interested in and introducing you to Wimpy Kid & Calvin & Hobbs, you seemed to be slightly curious in becoming a cartoonist, but then you followed that little gem up with wanting to be a video game animator. Funny thing is, I bought you that first drawing book like 6 fuckin’ years ago and it took you 4 fuckin’ years to fill that sombitch up and now you’re only on your second book that you’ve had 2 fucking years which basically makes you the most non-drawingest artist of all fucking time. How in the fuck are you going to get paid enough money to live on, doing something you have no fucking experience in, surrounded by people who’ve been drawing their dicks off their entire fucking lives? I’m not saying its not possible, fuck, anything’s fucking possible, stranger things have happened, I just wanna know what the fuck your plan is. “A Real Man always helps his children find their gifts, and begs them over and over and fucking over again to get fucking on with it already.”

Back to me again. Due to a serious fucking lack of oxygen growing up, since cigarette smoke all but eliminates it, especially in a baby’s lungs, I never grew to be a modern day full size man, getting beaten up at school every day for showing up white or small are probably a few of the many, many reasons I can be such a prick. Ya see, I grew up when people used to tease each other relentlessly, which back then bordered on terrorizing and not the new definition of bullying which is simple name calling online in the form of a tweet or some other meaningless shit, I’m talkin’ about a gang of motherfuckers chasing you down, knocking you to the ground and pounding their bare knuckles into your sternum for 10 fucking minutes until you started cryin’ like a little bitch, somethin’ I would never, ever fuckin’ do. There was no fucking way I would ever give someone the satisfaction that they were getting to me, that would just be an invitation for them to never stop fucking with me. I just kept flailing around, fighting my way free, threatening to kill their mothers and shit till they got off me and started acting like a fucking lunatic once I got loose, causing my “good” friends to run off and leave me for dead for a month or so, until they forgot how mad I’d gotten last time and did that same shit or something much worse all over again. As you can imagine, that kind of non-stop cruel and unusual punishment, gave me a bit of a temper over the years, either that or it was my mother always telling me to stop fucking whining whenever I tried to tell her about anything like that ever happening to me spite of the fact that her and my father were the ones that decided to give birth to me and picked out what schools I would go to in the first fucking place. I didn’t ask to fucking be here, ever and not a single fucking day goes by that I don’t wish I’d never been born, but since I’m fucking here, I’m sorry that you had a bad day at work, but I’ve had a bad fucking life almost every fucking day since it started, because you two shitheads were fucking worthless as people and parents and it took me fucking years to get right with that. I’m still fucking pissed off and hope to watch you die, but I’m right with it.  If only there weren’t a statute of limitation on child abuse.  Maybe you useless fucks could get locked up in my lifetime and I could see it happen.  With all that pent up anger and hostility, although I’d gotten my original Concealed Weapons Permit 5 years ago, it was now time to renew that bitch, although I’m pretty sure I had yet to calm the fuck down enough to get a weapon of any sort, gun or otherwise. A Real Man always has to know his limitations and back then I still wanted to kill too many motherfuckers to be freely wielding a firearm, so I just fucking waited till my meds kicked in. Fuck! I don’t take any meds. The point is I have a lot of shit ton of growing up left to do, because I am really fucking behind the eight ball, but as long as all of my actions are centered on doing only what’s best for you, your future and the blueprint of life’s A Real Man lessons I leave behind for you, staying alive and staying out of prison, hopefully by the grace of God, you’ll turn out just fine.  I love you with all my heart son.  Please, please, please don’t make all my sacrifices a giant fucking waste of time.  “A Real Man never rushes out to buy a gun, he first picks out his targets, then plots his revenge, then calms the fuck down enough to execute the perfect murders.”

“A Real Man Always Subscribes, Likes, Comments & Shares all this shit with his son or watches him grow up a fag”.

~ John D. – The ARMed Comic