Emotions, Legacy - posted on July 4, 1776 by

A Real Man’s Open Letter To The Florida Highway Patrol & Cops Everywhere

A Real Man

Welcome to Rated ARM TV, I’m your host John D. The Rated ARM Comic and this is an open letter to the Florida Highway Patrol and cops everywhere.

So earlier today, while turning east on to main street, in the hood, I was pulled over by the Florida Highway Patrol.  I know it was east because I’m A Real Man.  When I got pulled over, both of them were illegally parked, blocking the entire fucking sidewalk facing forwards and backwards, in donut sharing formation, the way only some prick charged with enforcing the law would do it, talking about all the people they were needlessly molesting today.  Luckily for me, it was my turn. “A Real Man never harasses anyone, he fucks them up!”

As soon as I saw him get out of the 60k Yukon, I paid for with 40k in upgrades, I paid for, in full riot gear that I also paid for in my rear view mirror, I knew right then and there, this was gonna be awesome!  He walked up, like we were filming the good, the bad & the douchey, you could practically hear the skin flute.  He sternly (arms crossed, dark glasses staring down at me) told me he pulled me over because I was wearing earbuds while driving.  I was fascinated by this because guess which donut delivery vehicle was facing away from me when I turned east from my southbound lane?  You guessed it, Tuco’s.  Now other than my mother, I have never personally met another human being with eyes on the back of their head.  “A Real Man is always aware of his surroundings, even if your ass is fucking lost.”

I almost asked him how the fuck he could’ve possibly seen a 1/16th of an inch cable going into my ear, through dark tinted windows 300’ feet behind him, not to mention the standard issue terminator sunglasses he was wearing, but he was about 25 years old with the attitude an angry, 15 year old pimple faced virgin dying to rape someone, so I opted to let it slide.  And here’s where things got really interesting.  “A Real Man always sees everything the way it is, he doesn’t fucking make shit up!”

Upon condescendingly accusing me of having just had the earbuds on, since he obviously assumed I took them off in order to not get caught wearing them in the 1st place, because it never once crossed his mind that I don’t normally carry on conversations, especially with police officers with shitty attitudes with earbuds in my ear, I told him “I was on the phone.”  “A Real Man never assumes anything, only douchebags do that!”

Officer SwatFuck then says “it’s illegal to wear them.”  I say “since when?”  He said “well, it’s not illegal, but you can’t wear them in both ears at the same time.”  Well which is it?  Now I probably should have known that and maybe at one time or another, I did, but there are so many fucking laws I couldn’t possibly keep up with all of them, not to mention all the shit I have going on in my life, like raising my son, running my businesses, fighting with employees, my ex-wife, getting quality head, bouts of alcoholism, you know, real life shit.  If it’s such a big fucking deal, then just write me a goddamn ticket, but you don’t have to be a prick about it.  “A Real Man is always a professional, mortician.”

I didn’t say that, I wanted to, but I didn’t.  Then he asks for my license, registration and insurance.  What the fuck do those have to do with me wearing ear buds?  Not a goddamn thing, but it’s only 2 o’ clock, you’re a raving douchebag and someone’s getting fucked with today or you won’t be able to jack off tonight thinking about all the people you unnecessarily bent over today and cry yourself to sleep, holding your high school yearbook between your legs as usual.  Look buddy, it’s not my fault, you’ve never been laid without the use of roofies, you have no friends who aren’t cops, you’re a social outcast and you’re way too young to be so god damn angry, but please, I beg you, I don’t have a dozen donuts to eat, I have a dozen things to accomplish, so just write me the fucking ticket, so I can get on with them.  “A Real Man always has something to do, eating fucking donuts ain’t one of them!”

So I pull out my wallet and make sure he sees my concealed weapons permit badge in the process.  If he could see my earbuds 300’ behind him, he can certainly see my 3” badge 18” from his face.  While pulling my id out, all the other cards in my wallet go flying to the floor and under my seat.  I then ask if I can reach in my glove box to grab the registration.  I hand it over and he tells me “the insurance is expired.”  I say, “no its not, (and snatch the card out of his hand) I don’t have that company anymore, but can I look on the floor?”  He says “yes.”  I look, it’s not there and then I remember, there’s an app for that, it’s not a card.  “A Real Man never escalates any situation, killing de-escalates.”

I tell him, “hold on a sec, I’ll log into it and show it to you.”  He walks away.  I try to log in like 3 more times, but I am so fucking confused as to why this guy is fisting me that I can’t even remember my own fucking password.  He comes back, I tell him, “I can’t remember the password, but I know someone who might, can I call her?”  He says “yes, but get out of the car.”  What would I do that?   It’s hot out there.  You’re in black, sweating your ass off, you can clearly see I’m in black, you’re the one fucking with me, why the fuck do I gotta get out of the air conditioning?”  “A Real Man never makes anyone uncomfortable, being dead is not uncomfortable.”

Before I get out, he ask me, “do you have a gun?”  I say “yes.”  “we’re you gonna tell me?”  “no.”  “why not?”  “because I wasn’t planning on using it.”  Just so you know, this was not the best answer I could have given.  In fact, it was probably in the top 10 worst answers of all time and turns officer friendly into officer full on psychopath.  He immediately launches into a tirade and begins lecturing me on what I should have done and how I should have done it, never even once acknowledging the fact that I am not legally obligated to do so.  Yes, I probably should have told him, but his retarded mother shouldn’t have fucked that circus carnie either so fuck him and goddamn her.  “A Real Man never yells at another man, unless he wants get to fucked up!”

So as I’m getting out of my truck, he asks me, “where is the gun?”  I point to my right hip.  He freaks the fuck out.  “I didn’t tell you to touch the gun.”  “I didn’t touch the gun!”  “yes you did!”  “you’re right, I touched the gun.”  This is the moment I realized, this guy is just looking for an excuse to be a fucking hero and everything I say or do is gonna be wrong, I no longer have any rights, I’m just another nigger robbing a liquor store, so I’ll just have to stand here and take his shit until he’s done raping my asshole, not literally.  I hope.  This particular lecture lasted another 5 minutes.  “A Real Man never lectures anyone, he just says what he has to say and shuts the fuck up!”

After he finishes, he brings up the gun again, telling me, I should’ve told him.  I say “ok.”  He doesn’t like that either.  “why didn’t you tell me about the gun?”  “because when I pulled out my ID, I held up my badge and aimed it at your stupid fucking face, I figured, it went without saying.”  “well how do I know that?”  “because you’re still standing here fucking with me, instead of laying on the ground bleeding to death.”  He then makes me get out of the truck with my hands over my head, turns me around, lifts my shirt, stares at my ass for way, way too long and finally un-holsters my gun and takes it away from me.  If you’re not a cock sucker and you’ve never had a man behind you lift up your shirt and stare at your ass on a street full of innocent bystanders, I’m here to tell you, it’s fucking creepy, demeaning and worth him getting knocked the fuck out at the very least.  He took so long in fact I almost asked him, are you gonna take my gun or butt fuck me?, but I didn’t.  See how much restraint I have?  “A Real Man never looks at another man’s ass, ever!”

Keep in mind, all of this is going down literally 150 yards away from one of my biggest clients and he’s parading me around in the street like I just had a 2 hour car chase on the Los Angeles freeway.  Granted, I am driving a white ford bronco, but I am not a 6’ 1”, 212lbs black man with a dead white woman in the back, so get the fuck off my cloud.  “A Real Man never evades the police, he comes right at em’.”

Does this moron have such a hard on for earbuds that he actually wants to escalate a simple, nothing citation, into a cop getting shot, stabbed or beaten to death in broad daylight in the hood?  Is this really what they mean by “to protect and to serve?”  I don’t know who trained this baboon, but the few men left who still have a spine, don’t react well to getting fucked with for no goddamn reason.  Guess what assface?  I’m one of those men and I don’t intend on turning mine over anytime soon and if you keep fucking with me like this, you could get shot, stabbed or beaten to death, if not by me then by an actual nigger robbing a liquor store since you’re not paying fucking attention to anything except my ass, you faggot.  “A Real Man always pays close attention, especially when badge wielding faggots are staring at his ass.”

We are in the hood you fucking retard and I don’t usually make it a point to let niggers in the hood, know that I am driving around with a loaded gun and showing them where I fucking keep it dipshit.  I don’t have any stickers on my truck, I don’t post selfies of me and my gun, I don’t tell anyone, I keep that shit to myself and you are making a god damn spectacle out of fucking nothing.  God I wish I were black right now!  I could pull the race card and be on national TV for the next month and a half, hell I might even be able to drag it out till February and get in on the parades and shit.  “A Real Man never pulls the race card, they all look the same when they’re starin’ at your ass.”

After he takes my gun, he hands it over to deputy dipshit # 2 and walks away.  In all honesty, the second officer that was there, might actually have been a good, decent human being.  I am only basing this on the fact that as all this shit was going down, he didn’t say a fucking word to me.  He could have been chiming in, double cocking the situation, but he didn’t.  He could have gotten this assfuck out of my face and helped me out a bit there, but at least he wasn’t making it fucking worse.  As he was walking away with my gun, I sternly say “I want that back” and both of them yell at me to shut up.  What the fuck is going on here?  Has Obama finally heard all the shit I’ve been talking him since before he was elected.  “A Real Man never bashes the President, what about Obama makes him a President?”

Dickface then tells me to go to the back of my vehicle so he can illegally search it.  So I head to the back and proceed to dial the phone to give my woman a play by play in case I either get shot or go to jail and possibly even get the password to my insurance.  At least someone will know what happened, she won’t be able to do a fucking thing about it and she’ll probably end up right next to me in a shallow grave, but at least I won’t be buried alone.  As I’m back there, fuckstick walks up on my phone ear and says something to me.  Naturally, I didn’t hear it, but I’m about to find out what that was, the hard way.  “A Real Man always makes sure he is heard, so pull the cock out of your ears.”

Turns out, he was telling me to stay at the back of the vehicle so he could illegally search it.  Well between the noise of city traffic and the very thick Russian accent my girl has, not to mention the fact that I was in such a state of disbelief that all this shit, really is happening over fucking earbuds, I didn’t hear him, at all.  This is when he launched into his second speech of this fiasco, and gave me a dissertation about not following his orders.  This is also where he talked to me like I was a fucking 3 year old.  “I told you to stay at the back of the vehicle!” And on and on and fucking on.   I then tell my girl, look, this douchebag is all amped up on Krispy Kreme glaze and I’m probably about to get arrested, I gotta go.  “A Real Man always follows orders, unless you violate his rights, then its game on bitch!”

He then comes back and tells me to give him my knife.  Now I haven’t told him about or shown him my knife, so I can only assume he saw it while obsessing over my anus.  He still doesn’t know about my kubotan, my ankle gun, the extra magazine, my backup knife, my handcuff key, my lighter or my survival instincts and I’m not about to start telling rump ranger any of this shit now.  If it looks like I’m about to get killed by a cop for no goddamn reason, I’ll take my chances at my day in court.  I’m not just gonna lay there and take it.  Fuck that!  Besides, from what I hear, if you go to prison for killing a cop, you’re treated like a fucking king to include getting your salad tossed, at least by the inmates.  I’d rather be dead to be perfectly honest with you.  “A Real Man never goes to prison, he takes you with him to the morgue.”

So I see him coming for my knife on my left side, but it’s on my right, so now that I’m barely trying to cooperate, I tell juviedick, it’s not on that side, it’s on this side, as I’m pointing to it.  “I didn’t tell you to touch the knife”, just as loud as when he said it about the gun, so now I can only assume he’s taping this for a YouTube video or for his spankbank collection or something.  Am I being punked here?  What the fucking fuck is going on?  It’s like I’m trapped on the douchebag, cocksucker, twilight zone.  “A Real Man never accuses anyone of anything, he simply shows the facts or shuts his fucking pie hole.”

So he takes my knife and tells me to sit down which I do on the back bumper of my truck as he proceeds to vomit lecture me for another 5 minutes about not being able to follow directions, I don’t listen, I need to do what I’m told, yada, fucking yada, fucking yada.  Look here snatchface!  There’s this little thing called causation, causality, cause and effect.  As an officer of the law, you might have fucking heard of it.  You pulled me over for some sorry ass bullshit and instead of just writing me a goddamn ticket and sending me on my merry fucking way, you’ve done everything in your power to escalate this nothing offense into Hiroshima, practically begging me to knock you the fuck out so that you or your partner can get a justified homicide under your belts instead of just the chocolate sprinkles.  “A Real Man never changes his behavior for the camera, camera angle yes, behavior no.”

He then goes back to my vehicle for more illegal searching, comes back to me sitting on my bumper and asks “what are you ex-law enforcement or something?”  Now I don’t know if it was because of the type of gun, holster, knife, my attitude or what prompted him to ask that particular question was, but I looked up at him with the hate, only a slave could have, for the evil prick bastard that just spent his last 10 minutes whipping his ass in his eyes, put a smirk on my face and then said “no, I’m ex-military, you play badass, I am badass.  He finally snaps and loses his shit entirely.  His face turns bright red, he starts to stutter, his face gets redder, he struggles to keep his composer and lectures me some fucking more.  “A Real Man never loses his composure, ammo yes, composure no.”

While we’re on the fucking subject, let me tell you another thing about lecturing asshole.  It’s not fucking necessary.  Let me tell you why.  2 reasons jump right out at me.  #1, I don’t fucking care what your thoughts, feelings, interpretations or advice on this or any other matter on earth could possibly be.  Last time I checked you weren’t my father, my therapists or the judge I’m gonna stand in front of, relaying how much of a useless tampon you are.  # 2 there is no law obligating me to listen to you, absorb whatever the fuck you are saying, take notes, pass a test or give a fuck.  “A Real Man never gets up on a soapbox, because another real man, will knock him right the fuck off.”

I’m sorry that your boyfriend, kids, peers and everyone you’ve even spoken too in your entire life,  doesn’t give 2 shits about anything you ever have to say, but neither do I and the fact that you’re holding me hostage change the fact.  Do you even realize that the only power your worthless ticket has, is directly proportional to whatever the $150.00 attorney I hire to beat it does, or if I’m feeling particularly spirited myself, the inconvenience of me going down to the courthouse and beating it, which I have 13 fucking times in a row with absolutely no evidence, no witnesses and no fucking attorney?  You are not a judge, you napoleon complex cum gargler, you are a gloried hall monitor and with your shithead attitude, that’s all you’ll ever be.  “A Real Man always beats a ticket, and you’re next!”

Maybe and mostly because you don’t have a fucking brain in your head, it never even crossed your mind, that the only reason I pulled over when you put your lights on, took my earbuds out before you came up to talk to me, carry a valid concealed weapons permit, have a clean & valid driver’s license & speak proper fucking English, is because I actually can follow directions, am perfectly capable of listening and have on several occasions done what I was told.  That and I’m not some random nigger robbing a liquor store, so why don’t you scale it back a bit and get the fuck out of my face.  “A Real Man always focuses on the real problem, you are the fucking problem.”

This entire event has made me re-evaluate many things I have previously believed my entire life.  # 1, I have always thought, that all cops were dicks.  What am I basing this on?  I’m glad you asked.  I have been warned, lectured, cited, investigated, interrogated, handcuffed, seated in the back of a squad car, detained, released, arrested, locked up, community serviced, tried, acquitted, found guilty, found not guilty, & fined at least 50 times in my life, maybe more, I lost fucking count.  The point is, out of all those run-ins with Johnny Law, only 2 cops out of let’s say 100, to be fair since they always show up in a 2 pack, were not total dicks.  “A Real Man is always cool, you are a fucking dick.”

I’m not saying that if I did something illegal and I got caught, that automatically makes a cop a dick.  Hell I do something illegal every day, usually, not on purpose, but there’s so many fucking laws, ordinances and rules that I would need Johnny Cochran to ride shotgun with me 24/7 to even scratch the surface of avoiding trouble.  The system is designed that way.  I’m also not saying, if I do something wrong, that I shouldn’t get in trouble, I’m just saying, you don’t have to be the world’s biggest prick while doing it and 99.999% of you are.  N.W.A. said it best, fuck the police!  “A Real Man never listens to N.W.A., he sings along.”

When I’m president, I’m passing a law.  No fucking lectures!

# 2, in spite of my numerous run-ins with the system, I am still a good, upstanding, contributing member of society.  I own 2 businesses which employ as many people as I can get work for, I pay them as much as I possibly can, they do the absolute best work possible at a fair price for our customers, I pay all of my taxes and I try, I mean, I really, really try to stay the fuck off the grid.  The fact that I’m off the grid is the exact reason you should fucking check yourself.  When a man has made it through half his life without getting consumed by drugs, alcohol or any other vices, especially in this economy, don’t think for a second that all couldn’t change in an instant.  “A Real Man never changes his behavior, unless you make him fucking snap!”

Once you put someone on the grid over some bullshit like earbuds and they end up in the system, lose their children and possibly their ability to earn an honest income, there is no incentive whatsoever for them to continue to walk a straight line, not to mention it’s a fucking pain in the ass.  People who have something to lose, walk a straight line, once you take that away, they’re condemned forever and usually lose their shit.  Think falling down starring Michael Douglas.  That’s exactly what the fuck I’m talking about.  If you or anyone in your organization had a fucking brain, you would not be pushing upstanding people over the line, but I guess it’s good for business, its job security, but just remember this 1 thing, your children have to live in the world you leave behind shithead, but I’m guessing you never thought about that, because you only have sex in your behind, so you won’t have any children, you fucking faggot.  “A Real Man never pushes anyone around, underground yes, around no.”

After all this shit, he comes back and tells me, I have an expired tag, can’t prove I have insurance, was illegally wearing earbuds while driving, can’t follow instructions, should have told him about my gun and then he lets me off with a fucking warning.  Are you fucking kidding me?  You almost got us both shot over a warning?  Are you retarded?  I had to listen to 3 separate, but equally life draining speeches because you suck at life and you want me and everyone else to be as miserable of a piece of shit as you are.  How is this fucking possible?  What came up when they called it in?  This guy’s gonna make history, by bitch slapping Obama on national tv with his cock, let him go!  What the fuck?  “A Real Man makes history, you make diarrhea.”

So I stand there with my head facing the ground, not saying a word, just waiting for long winded bitch to get to the end of the Gettysburg fucking address.  I hear a brief break in the spew and I look up at him.  “are you done?  “yes.”  I snatch the warning out of his hands, get back in my truck, where my knife and gun had been nicely returned, not to me, but at least they were back.  Or were they?  Call me paranoid, but the second I got back in my truck, I quickly pulled up the serial number to my gun from my phone to make sure that I was actually handed back my gun, magazine and bullets and not one used by some random nigger robbing a liquor store.  After everything I just went through, you never fucking know.  “A Real Man never plants evidence, he plants asshole cops.”

~ John D. – The ARMed Comic