Legacy, Mission - posted on July 4, 1776 by

W.A.R. – White, Armed, Racist, Homophobic, Misogynistic, Perverted, Pornographic, Pedophile, Rapist – John D. – The ARMed Comic – Introduces Rated ARM to the world.

A Real Man

What’s up rebels and welcome to Rated ARM TV, I’m John D. The Armed Comic and I’m here to entertain you fuckers.  And if you can make it past this one video, our first video, our inaugural video, our manifuckingfesto video, which won’t be fuckin’ easy, then there’s a shit ton of fun in store for you and I don’t mean fat chicks. Seriously, there’s no God damn excuse!  How fucking hard can it be to not fucking do something?  Stop fucking eating entirely and I promise you, you’ll lose the weight Mrs. Piggy!  I’m hoping by the title of this video, you may have already figured out, I won’t be holdin’ shit back, watching what the fuck I say, trying to avoid offending anyone, hurting their God damn feelings, or stepping on their fuckin’ toes, but if you did, I’ve allotted this exact moment in the show for you to quietly grab your shit and get your pansy ass, the fuck outta here.  You’re everything that’s wrong with America, so go! –  now!  Get the fuck out!, we don’t need ya.  “A Real Man always considers everyone around him, and says whatever the fuck he wants anyway.”

For those of you, who still insist on sticking around, even after all that shit, I applaud you, but don’t say that I didn’t fucking warn you.  And one last thing, if you’re the kind of mental defective retard, that feels the need to heckle the comic, because somehow, you’ve arrived at the conclusion that you’re either funnier, or wittier than I am, glad to fuckin’ hear it, now get your own fuckin’ show asshole.  If not, I’ll take this thing out, shoot you in the fuckin’ face til’ it’s empty, reload and repeat, because that’s what a God fearin’ free speakin’, militia makin’, gun totin’, non hostin’, perimeter securin’, defense attorney hirin’ peer searchin’, medicine takin’ rights knowin’ free livin’ American Real Man would fuckin’ do.  And when the fuzz ask me why I stopped shootin’ your sorry fuckin’ass, because I ran out of fuckin’ bullets will be my answer, it won’t be fuckin’ true, because a real man would never fuckin’ run out of ammo, but it does make for a better fuckin’ story.  A Real Man always takes everything you can throw at him, and fuckin’ kills you with it!”

 Now that we got all that bullshit out the way, I’d like to send a shout out to big G, up above, yep yep, my homie, baby J on the cross, and the fucktards I’m gonna be talking about for inspiring me, no, demanding that I rip them a new fucking asshole.  It wasn’t my choice, but you shitheads brought this on yourselves.  I didn’t wanna do it and I’ve shut my mouth for as long as I fuckin’ could, but I can’t fuckin’ take it anymore and unlike these bitch ass, fame whore, sellouts, I ain’t doin’ this for the money, I don’t need the fuckin’ money, and I really don’t give a fuck who likes me or hates me, never have, never will.  That’s kinda what being a real man’s all about.  “A Real Man always gives his honest assessment, even if it makes you commit fuckin’ suicide!” 

Life isn’t a fuckin’ popularity contest.  Most people are only truly appreciated after they’re fuckin’ dead anyway.  Case in point, I never, even once, heard of Biggie, Notorious BIG, Big Papa, you know, that overweight, mumble mouthed, mother fucker that Puffy, P. Diddy, pecker puffer, spent 10 years, siphoning fame off of, until he was shot to death, and I was a top 40 radio & nightclub DJ at the time.  Now don’t get me wrong, it was fuckin’ brilliant, tasteless as a motherfucker, but brilliant nonetheless and karma’s a bitch.  Don’t believe me, I’ll probably be shot in the back on the way home tonight, by some punk ass faggot, who lives with his mom, jerkin’ off, while smokin’ blunts, listenin’ to ready to die on loop, pretending he’s gonna make it in the fuckin’ “rap game” one day.  Unless I get killed during this show, no one outside this club will ever know who the fuck I was, and you know what?  Who gives a fuck?  “A Real Man never concerns himself with being popular, mortally fucking feared yes, popular fuck no.” 

And as for the shades on my face, I’m not trying to hide my identity, I’m just not very fuckin’ attractive and I want you to keep watching my God damn videos, not to mention when I have my first million real man march, it’ll be fairly easy for everyone else to get their own fuckin’ uniform, you know, real man clothes.  Besides ladies, if I’m wearing glasses you can’t fuckin’ tell I’m staring directly at your tits.  Which I fuckin’ am, but I’m a gentleman, so what can I say?  “A Real Man always wears sunglasses, that way you never know what the fuck he’s lookin’ at!” 

I’d also like to make it perfectly clear, that contrary to what the fuck you see before you, hear in the words commin’ out of my mouth, or interpret on your own after watching this fuckig video, I am the worst thing you can possibly fucking be in America today.  I’m a white, man.  I’ll say it again, for those of you in the cheap seats.  I’m a white man, I’m armed, racist, homophobic, misogynistic & perverted.  I’m also an amateur pornographer, pedophile, and rapist and as soon as I can figure out how to get paid for all 3 of those, I’ll be a fuckin’ professional.  If all that weren’t bad enough, I’m also extremely spiritual and a capitalist pig of a businessman.  I’m everything the media, celebrities, politicians, activist nut jobs and church groups across this once great nation of ours will label me, to attempt to destroy me, ruin my life & my career, but never fear boys and girls, my life can’t be fuckin’ ruined, unless of course you have a God damn time machine, because my life’s already been fuckin’ awesome! And besides, this isn’t a career, it’s a mission, my mission.  I’m on a mission from God and I’m comin’ to get your sorry fuckin’ asses.  “A Real Man is everything you are, he just admits the shit in public.” 

Now there’s a couple of things I’d like to get out of the way, right off the bat, to remove any and all confusion you may have about what the fuck a real man is, what he is according to me & why the fuck I’m the one defining it.  A real man according to the media, TV, movies, music, actors, singers, writers, reporters, bloggers, athletes, celebrities, church groups, activist fuck nuts, politicians any and all sources of readily available material, you know, everygoddamnedfuckingthing, but especially most women is anything and everything that most closely resembles a woman, a faggot or a weak, spineless bitch.  Don’t believe me, just look the fuck around for yourself, ask anyone or Google the shit!  I’ll wait.  Today in America, a real man is defined exclusively by women and faggots.  Men, you’ve been swimming in this fucking vomit for so long, you don’t even realize you’re in it or what the fuck happened to your innate man-ness along the way and its fucking pathetic.  That’s why I’m here.  I’m here to wake you the fuck up, before it’s too fucking late for everyone.  Yes, including women and faggots.  “A Real Man always shares his wisdom, so listen the fuck up bitches!” 

Sensitivity, political correctness, and the fucking feminine side that we’re all supposed to have, are all covered, protected and promoted to the millionth God damn power, so there’s no fucking need for any of us to give 1 corn filled shit about them.  They’ve had a massive fucking head start and they’re not showing any signs of slowing down so there’s no reason whatsoever for any of us to pay an ounce of fucking attention to them.  I John D., The Armed Comic have single handedly figured out how to solve all of the world’s problems simultaneously and it doesn’t take money, technology, man-power, the government or any of that fuckin’ bullshit.  All it takes is 1 man, since 1 man can change the world and that man is fuckin’ here, but he can’t fucking do it alone.  He can however get the ball rolling.  Since the day I was born, I came out swingin’ and I know in my soul that all it takes to turn things around for men and then the rest of the planet entirely is for only 1fucking % of us to truly be a real man.  That’s it!  Nothing more, nothing less.  Problem is there aren’t many of us 1%’s left.  Sure there are men out there with some Rated ARM traits, characteristics and behaviors, but when observed more closely, under a microscope, they’re bitchassedness comes out for all the fuckin’ world to see.  “A Real Man always solves problems, even if you’re the fucking problem.” 

So why me, why now, what the fuck makes me a real man?  I’m glad you asked.  To tell you the truth, I may not even be a real man, but I’m the realest fucking man I’ve ever met and no one else is steppin’ the fuck up.  Believe me, I’ve waited, but that sonmbitch didn’t show, so here I am.  I’m a very small guy, but I’m workin’ on it, I’m chemo bald, so fucking what, I’m thoroughly unattractive, who gives a shit?  I have extremely crooked, yellow teeth, and I can still fuckin’ eat, yet I’ve managed to bang the shit out of and control the batshit crazy behavior of way more attractive women than almost every other man I’ve ever personally known in spite of the fact that all of them were way better lookin’ and or wealthier than me, not to mention, every girl I’ve ever shot a load in has immediately begged me to be their boyfriend, marry them or get them pregnant, including my ex-wife The Hooters girl whom proposed to me in spite of the fact that I didn’t do a fucking thing to impress any of them or move any of those relationships forward 1 fucking inch.  “A Real Man always looks like a real man, no matter what the fuck he looks like.”

Ask anyone that’s ever known me, I’ve never once kept my opinion to myself. For the sake of others yes, but never for myself.  I’ve always told it like I saw it and I’ve never once considered the consequences of my actions by always and relentlessly choosing to be a real man, even while serving in the United States Military which I assure you was a very bad fucking idea and almost got my ass court-martialed and kicked out altogether several times.  I’ve had a gun cocked and pointed at my fuckin’ head, my life threatened multiple times, been jumped and beaten damn near to death by 5 niggers at once, for stopping 1 of them from strangling my sister.  What kind of fucking animal strangles a poor defenseless crying girl?  I’ve been thrown through a window by my boss, had my nose broken by another nigger while I was DJing who spent the previous 5 minutes trying to impress me with his faggy ass gang tattoos and then because I didn’t give a shit  and told him to go fuck himself, he took a running fucking start and sucker punched me and didn’t even manage to knock my skinny ass off my feet, now that’s a sorry ass motherfucker.  I even straightened out my own nose and immediately kept DJing for 5 more fucking hours like nothin’ ever happened, like a fuckin’ real man.  If I would’ve had my gat that night, that nigger would never sucker punch another person ever again, white or black, I fucking promise you.  You better watch your back motherfucker.  “A Real Man never hates someone for the color of their skin, for acting like a nigger yes, but never for the color of their skin.”  If you’d seen the black beauties that have had the privilege to be fucked by A Real Man or the best man at my wedding, you’d know the fucking difference. 

I’ve been demoted, fired, looked over for endless fucking promotions and blackballed by countless cock sucking douchebags in my life, all because I’ve always refused to be anybody’s fuckin’ bitch.  Women have cheated on me, lied to me, fucked my friends without me getting to record it and punched & slapped the shit out of me.  1 of them even falsely accused me of breaking and entering and attempted rape, had me arrested, jailed, tried & acquitted for a crime she finally admitted to lying entirely about 2 fuckin’ years later after completely destroying my entire fucking life and the fucking courts didn’t do a God damn thing to her.  I’ve been poisoned, drugged, punched, my phone, car and house ransacked, my windows smashed in, my truck broken into, keyed, my shit stolen.  I’ve been investigated by children and family services almost losing my son permanently in the process by the same crazy bitch that I was denied filing a restraining order against.  Yeah, they didn’t do a fucking thing to that crazy cunt either.  Yet here I am, self-employed for over a decade, through the worst fuckin’ economy America’s ever seen and there isn’t a fucking thing in the world that I need from anybody, but me.  Considering my backstory, it’s a God damn miracle I’m alive or not in prison, so things are pretty fucking good.  “A Real Man always survives, your bitch ass might not fucking make it.” 

I’ve helped every person that’s ever asked me and a bunch of others that didn’t, most of them never even fuckin’ thanked me.  I’ve served my country, been happily married, raised a well-balanced, happy child & started and successfully ran 2 entirely different companies.  Rated ARM is my third and final business, my life’s mission, my legacy.  What I’m trying to say here people is that I have some fucking miles on this planet and story after fuckin’ story of bitches acting like bitches in every area of existence for as long as I can possibly fucking remember.  “A Real Man always has real life experience and taking fucking life experience as well!”

 I’m not telling you any of this shit to blow my own horn, since boasting isn’t something a real man would ever do.  I’m telling you this because it took half my life for me to realize that maybe there was never anything wrong with me in the 1st fucking place and the problem always actually existed with everyone fuckin’ else.  I’m not gonna lie, being a real man ain’t fuckin’ easy, it’s a fucking pain in the ass.  You’ll be tested every minute of every God damned day by every single fucking sheep in your path, but just like anything else, if you do it long enough, with un-wavering conviction, like masturbation, it just becomes your normal and then you’ll really be able to make a positive fuckin’ difference in the world.  And while we’re on the subject, if you don’t care to leave this bitch better than when you got here, by all means, put a fuckin’ shotgun in your mouth and blow that empty fucking head off, you useless pile of shit.  “A Real Man never brags, the people standing around him in awe do plenty of that shit already!” 

Furthermore, my beef’s not with women at all, since in my personal fuckin’ experience, every single woman on earth will do exactly what the fuck every man in her life will allow her to get the fuck away with.  My contention is with the behavior of most women and any man that acts in any way shape or form like most women, which is weak, illogical & emotional. Rated ARM isn’t about gender, race, color, sexual orientation, whatever shithole you were born in, or any of the crap we have no fuckin’ choice about.  It’s all about the actions we take.  I love women, you have no fuckin’ idea how much I love women, I wish I was lovin’ some fuckin’ women right fuckin’ now, on this video and makin’ money doing it.  Unfortunately they’ve consumed the majority of my thoughts since the day I came out of one, but they’re fucked up.  And don’t act so fuckin’ surprised.  It’s no fuckin’ secret.  Thank God they’re followers.  It makes this epidemic much fuckin’ easier to cure.  Think Cancer without all the useless 5k’s and pink bullshit.  All that’s required to right all the wrongs of the world is for all men or just enough men to act like a fuckin’ real man, nothin’ more.  Is there anyone out there?  Am I all fucking alone here?  “A Real Man never has problems with women, but most women have a fuckin’ problem with a real man.” 

I assume by now, you may have already figured out the Rated ARM definitions of most women and all faggots, but just in case I haven’t yet made it perfectly fuckin’ clear, let me define both of them for you, right fucking now.  Most women:  the single most destructive force in a man’s life.  Women don’t even fuckin’ like women, but don’t take my word for it, hang out with any woman in any public place for any length of time and just listen to her go.  Hate, after hate, after fuckin’ hate.  Faggots:  any man that acts in any way shape or form like most women.  That goes especially for cock suckers.  Don’t like the label, stop suckin’ cock.  I don’t hate faggots.  My nephew‘s a faggot and I love him to death, just not in a faggy way.  I hate cock suckers, the verb, the action, the cum dripping out of a dude’s mouth or ass.  It’s not fucking normal.  And don’t say its fuckin’ normal, because it fuckin’ isn’t faggot.  If we concede that a man sucking another man’s dick is Ofuckin’K, then the next thing you know, sucking a dogs dick becomes aight, followed by sucking a child’s dick, and on and on and fucking on.  You’re a fucking freak, just fuckin’ admit it, stop adopting and fucking up children who might have once had a fuckin’ shot at bein’ fuckin’ straight and get the fuck out of my face with your faggot ass bullshit.  “A Real Man never labels people, he labels cock suckers!” 

The number 1 goal for most women is to control men.  The number 1 goal for all men should be to control himself and everyfuckingthing in his universe, unless it’s another real man.  That shit’ll get you fucked up, as well it should.  If you’re hear as a real man in support of our cause, I salute you brother, if you’re here because you have no fuckin’ idea what the fuck a real man is or you’re trying to figure it out, I salute you as well, however if you’re here to attempt to disprove anything I say and reassure yourself that you or your man is in fact already a real man, by having any opposing viewpoints on anything presented here, then let me save you the fuckin’ trouble and re-affirm for you that you or he is fucking not.  You have a better chance of finding a straight actor at this point.  I’ve spent every spare fucking second of the last God damn decade of my life researching, living and documenting just about every conceivable fucking nuance of being a real fucking man which, you have fucking not, which makes me a fucking expert on the subject and you just another headline shit filled asshole with just another worthless fucking opinion, but just in case you still don’t fuckin’ believe me, feel free to disagree with me on anything at RatedARM.com and I’ll feel free to shred you and your retarded fucking input to fucking pieces as I’ve done to hundreds of thousands of  illogical, imbalanced, imbeciles before you.  There is hope though, any man, if he’s willing to unlearn all the nonsensical bullshit he’s been force-fed since birth and actually looks forward to working his fucking nuts off and is totally down with alienating everyone he’s ever fuckin’ known in the process, can learn to be a real man.  How the fuck do you think I got here?  I was once just like you.  I was weak, I was selfish, I made a million fuckin’ mistakes, I did unspeakable shit and I hurt a lot of people and I didn’t give a fuck, but that was then and this is now motherfuckers.  “A Real Man always controls the situation, so do what the fuck your told bitch.” 

Then one day my life changed forever.  One day, I hit rock bottom.  In 1 one month, I lost my smoking hot, fucking lunatic of a girlfriend, the most passionate, although insanely dysfunctional relationship I’ve ever known.  I lost my fucking driver’s license, my house, my 2 condos, all my money, my new truck, most of my clients, all of my savings, my credit score & the 6 month booked out rock band I waited my entire life to assemble, I lost everyfuckingthing except my dick.  Or so I thought.  “A Real Man never misplaces anything, especially his cock!” 

At the time, I was a single father, my son, because of an endless fucking series of retarded God damn decisions by his half-witted mother, now lived 8 miles away from me even though I gave her a free fucking house 500 fucking feet from mine.  I had no car, no friends and no help whatsoever, kinda like fuckin’ now.  My parents who’ll be covered in epic fucking detail through rants, parodies, movies and novels weren’t fucking there to help me, just like when I was a little shit.  They wouldn’t bring my son to see me or take me to see him.  Maybe once, but that was it and it wasn’t fucking enough.  That very well could have been the end of my story right then and there and if I had owned a gun at the time, it probably would’ve been, but it wasn’t.  I could have sat at home feeling sorry for myself, cryin’ like a little bitch, but I didn’t.  I could have looked out my window pussy aching to the few clients that were still calling me that I have no fucking idea when I’d be able to help them because my exfuckingcuntofawife took my God damn fucking driver’s license away and I had no idea when I’d be gettin’ the shit back, but I didn’t.  Even though I lost everything except my joint that took me 25 years to build practically overnight, the only loss I truly regretted or that I thought I would regret was for my boy to see that superman was just a man.  “A Real Man always wears a cape, on his cock!” 

The only way I’d now be able to see my son was on a fuckin’ bicycle.  Now I understand this isn’t a big deal if you’re homeless, regularly get DUI’s, live in New York City or sell crack, but it was for me because I wasn’t any of those fucking things, I was just another hard working, law abiding, stiff that couldn’t predict the God damn future.  My son had always seen me in a new car, because I’d always had papa, because I always worked my balls off.  My son had always seen me as a leader, because I always worked harder than all the lazy pieces of shit around me to make sure they were my bitches.  My son had always seen, that I’d never once let anyone or anything stop me and he wasn’t about to see an 8 mile bike ride through the hood full of niggers at night do it either.  “A Real Man always rides a bicycle, when his truck, motorcycle, boat & horse are fuckin’ impounded.” 

That’s the moment everything changed for me.  The moment I decided that my son will always see me as one bad motherfucker no matter what happens to me, is the moment Rated ARM was spawn.  It didn’t have a name, it didn’t have a logo, it didn’t have shit, all it had was my big hairy balls & the thought that all my life I’ve been a faggy, whiney, bitch and I’m fuckin’ over it.  My parents didn’t give 2 bloody shits about me, my friends were a buncha fake ass, backstabbing douche fucks, the military was riddled with lazy, entitled cum stains & the 2 dot.com companies I slaved my life’s blood for would rather rape retirees out of their life’s fucking savings than deliver on the mountain of lies they sold.  Well fuck em’ all!  I’m a man,  not a bitch and it’s about fuck time I did something for myself other than continuously jerk off, which I’m apparently quite fucking fond of.  “A Real Man always handles his business, you can touch his fucking business too ladies.” 

So I sat down at my desk and started Googling, reading, watching and listening to everyfuckingthing I could get my hands, eyes and ears on related to becoming, being and living as a real man.  I’d spent the previous 4 years doing the exact same fucking research on the art of getting as much quality pussy as 1 man could possibly handle and did phenomenally well with that, but no amount of pussy was gonna drown the problems I was now facing, although my first inclination was to test that theory, it would just distract me and perhaps if I hadn’t been so God damned distracted by sweet, warm pussy my entire life, I wouldn’t be in this fucking situation in the first God damn place.  I could have just asked my father, but he spent my entire childhood drunk in a bar while my mom spent my entire childhood being too busy to be bothered by me and making excuses for his sorry fuckin’ ass.  “A Real Man always does his homework, usually at a chicks home with her bent over her fuckin’ desk.” 

I found hardly anything worthafuck and a 1000 times more useless diarrhea in my search.  The fact that it was so fucking hard to find any good info, sparked an anger inside of me that just kept building and boiling into a full blown psychotic rage.  I just kept asking myself, why is it so fucking hard to find quality content on the subject of being a real man?  Almost everything I ever found was pure dog shit on how to treat a lady, how to be the perfect boyfriend / husband, how to be compassionate, how to listen to her, how to pick out the perfect ring, how to plan her perfect fucking day, how to cook for her, make her feel special, how to buy her the right gift, how to dress better, men’s fashion tips, fitness, style, money, grooming and on and on and fucking on and at the end of that ocean of Hershey squirts, how to get laid, how to pick up chicks & manipulate women, etc…  What the fuck does any of that fucking bullshit have to do with being a real man? Notagoddmanedfuckinthing!  “A Real Man always knows exactly what a woman wants, and rarely fucking gives it to her.” 

At this writing Googling a real man brings up 4 out of 5 images that immediately mention women and 7 out of 9 links that immediately mention women and one of them is fucking Korean so it obviously doesn’t fuckin’ count.  I want someone to tell me right fucking now, what the fuckity fuck women have to do with being a fucking realman?   AbsolutelyGoddmanfuckingnothing, unless you’re the woman or faggot that wrote that fucking bullshit, filmed that bullshit, recorded that bullshit or posted that bullshit.  You don’t fucking know anything about the subject so that’s the menstrual discharge you put out there and flooded the universe with.  Well men, 2 can play at that game bitches.  Rated ARM is here to redefine what being a real man is all about since everyone in this pansy ass, vanilla, faggy generation has forgotten or never even had the pleasure of knowing.  We are gonna put out so much fucking content and product, they’re gonna choke to death on all of it like an assortment of big black manly fuckin’ cocks.  Let them see how that shit feels.  “A Real Man always shares information, facts are fucking information.” 

Rated ARM is gonna make guns, bullets, beef, dynamite, whiskey, bourbon, bacon, beer, porn, condoms, pre-nups, penicillin, roofies, pink and stink, poker chips, electric chairs, fur coats, fur shirts, fur pants, fur socks, fur underwear, white hoods, black beret’s, pocket pussy’s, everyfuckingthing we can fucking think of until the universe understands we are real fuckin’ men and we aren’t ready to be written out of the fuckin’ script just yet.  We have more to do, more to accomplish & more to improve.  We will not slip fucking quietly into the night, into you,  hell yes, into the night, fuck no!  If we’re going down, you’re going down, on us, so suck it bitches.  Now that you’ve awaken the sleeping giant, watchthefuckout cuz it’s on motherfuckers, it’s on.  “A Real Man never makes threats, promises fuck yeah, threats never.” 

This was it!  This was what the fux I’ve been waiting for my entire life.  To know why the fuck I was put here, to find my purpose, to discover my destiny.  My father had to be a worthless fuckin’ drunk, my mother had to be too busy to give a shit, my friends had to be fake ass backstabbing bitches, the military had to value status quo over everyfuckingthing & the dot.com’s had to favor embezzlement over hard fuckin’ work in order for Rated ARM to come to be.  It couldn’t have happened any other way, it couldn’t be done by any other motherfucker.  This is my shit, this is what the fuck God put me here to do, this will be my fuckin’ contribution to all of humanity bitches.  “A Real Man always leaves a legacy, and fuckin’ bodies if necessary.” 

So I got on my bike and started ridin’, thinkin’ to myself, what the fuck am I gonna tell my son?  How the fuck am I gonna explain this shit to him?  I’m not gonna cry, that’s what bitches do, I’m not gonna pout, I’m gonna shout it out.  I’m not gonna show any sign of fuckin’ weakness whatsoever.  Shit happens!  Be a real man and man the fuck up!  I’m just gonna show him that as a real man, he means everyfuckingthing to me.  As a real man, none of the other shit matters, not money, not bitches, not stuff, just him and I’ll do whateverthefuck I gotta do to see him.  It’s not what you have that defines you, especially since all that shit can vanish overnight, except for your dick, I hope.  It’s what you do and as a real man himself one day, this is exactly whatthefuck I expect him to do with his semen on feet.  The ones he knows about anyway.  “A Real Man always does whatever he has to, including riding a fucking bicycle like felon to go see his kid. 

A real man isn’t a hypocrite.  A real man always fucking leads by example.  A real man always does the right fucking thing, no matter what.  If you can do that allthefuckingtime without ever compromising, then and only then, can your bitch ass can be a real man.  I’m warning you though, this isn’t for pussies.  You have to develop a titanium backbone to do this shit, but on the other side of it, there’s a sense of idontgiveafuckingfuck, happiness and purpose a man can find in no other fucking way.  Don’t worry ladies, you too have a mission and that is to serve a real man.  You’re welcome.  “A Real Man always acts like a real man, not a fuckin’ bitch!” 

Because you’re a man, you were put here to do something, make something, break something or change something.  So whatthefuck is it?  Are you even fucking looking for it or are you too God damn busy chasing down another dollar and every piece of ass you can get your microscopic dick in?  Now don’t get me wrong, those can both be very fulfilling endeavors and I should fucking know, but they’re not why the fuck you’re here and I can prove it with 1 statement.  Anything that everyone already does is not fuckin’ special by definition.  For instance everyone thinks having a baby and especially the fact that their baby is special, but how can that possibly be fuckin’ true when almost everyone can do it?  And if every baby is so God damn special, then tell me how many special fucking adults you know?  I know 1 and you’re looking at that motherfucker.  “A Real Man always appears for a reason, to take your bitch ass the fuck out.” 

So what makes me so fucking special?  I’m glad you fuckin’ asked.  It’s this little thing that’s all but disappeared entirely from the shitpile of a world we now live in called hardfuckingwork.  I’ve been working my gigantic sweaty balls off without taking any fucking shortcuts or any fucking brakes for almost half a century, improving myself in every fucking way possible and mastering everyfuckingthing I can and because of that, I’ve developed, honed and mastered numerous skills that I pray to God every night, will help me do something, make something, break something or change something and that something is men.  “A Real man always changes things, especially his fuckin’ underwear.”  

Last night, one of my DJ buddies asked me to come hang out with him at his new college night spot.  For those of you that don’t get it, it’s like shooting retarded fucking fish in a barrel, but it was more important to me to stay home and work on this monologue for another 6 fucking hours.  Hot, young, tight, college pussy was waiting for me, but I was too busy workin’ on my dream bitches.  That’s what the fuck I’m talking about, that’s what being a real man is all about.  I’m not saying don’t bang hot, young, tight bitches, bang as many as you fuckin’ can, simultaneously if fuckin’ possible, as often as possible, and get that shit on video, I’m just sayin’ get your fucking priorities straight.  “A Real Man always prioritizes, shit, shower, shave.” 

If you’ve got a dream it’s your duty to get that motherfucker to pop off.  Don’t let it die with you.  Don’t let something you’ll have more of than you’ll ever have fuckin’ time for once you get to the top, get in the way or slow you down, but get to the fuckin’ top first.  God wants you there, God wants your bitch ass to make it, but he’s not gonna do the shit for you, he might help you every now and again, but at the end of the day, it’s on you playa, it’s on your shoulders, you’re the one whose gonna have to carry that weight.  Just as Jesus had to carry his cross, you’ll have to carry yours motherfucker.  If Gods own son had to do it, what the fuck makes you think you deserve a free fuckin’ pass?  “A Real Man always makes his dreams come true and his fucking fantasies too.” 

My cross is men.  Men are so fucked right now, our extinction can’t be but a few weeks away and I aim to fix that shit, not for me, for my boy.  I’ve already had a great life, I’ve already accomplished more than I thought my sorry ass ever would and I’ve had way more fuckin’ fun than anyone I’ve ever known while doing it.  My son however, well he’s just getting started.  He hasn’t done shit yet.  He hasn’t accomplished a fucking thing and he’s only had the kind of fun a little kid can have.  The poor guys never even banged a toothless hooker in Vegas.  “A Real Man always sticks around, long after you’re fuckin’ gone.” 

I’m old enough to remember what a real man was.  I can remember when someone looked you in the fuckin’ eyes, shook your hand and told you something, that was it.  Once it left his mouth, it was the motherfuckin’ law.  There was no need for an attorney, no contracts drawn up, it was exactly as he said it was, but nowadays, you can wipe your ass with contracts drawn up by attorneys because another shithead, douche lick, fuck face attorney will just come along behind him and attorney it.  Fuck!  I fucking hate fucking attorneys.  For most of my life, I’ve made it a point to ignore every God damned word that has ever come out of anyone’s pie hole and just watched what the fuck they did.  It’s the closest you’ll ever get to anything that even remotely resembles the fuckin’ truth and it’s usually bullshit as well.  I’m afraid of the fact that outside of myself and hopefully himself, my son might never meet a real man and that is very, fucking sad.  He’ll never know what it feels like for someone to truly have his fuckin’ back, take one for the team, jump on the grenade or possibly save his life.  “A Real Man always keeps his word, and keeps you fucking quite.” 

I’ve spent half my life on this pre-apocalyptic ball of shitheads and come to the one and only conclusion that any and all problems stem and have always stemmed from since the dawn of fucking time, and that is, the absence of anything resembling a real man, which is exactly how I came up with our original slogan.  A real man, “women want him inside them, men want him beside them”, which was great and the most charming way I could think of saying “there are only 2 things wrong with the world, women and men that act like fucking women”, but I fucking hate charming because its fake and a real man is always real.  Always!  “A Real Man never puts on the charm, even though it’s what dumbfucks respond to best.” 

The reason God or whatever alien you believe in, created men and woman is that one of us is supposed to be hard, like my cock and the other soft, like a sweet, warm pussy on a hot summers day (breathe in).  It’s called balance, it’s how everything in the universe that works, works.  It’s also why everything’s so fucked up right now.  There’s no fucking balance.  Sensitivity, political correctness, and the feminine side that we’re all supposed to have are indoctrinated, mandated & testosterone deprived ad-nauseum from womb to tomb and have consumed absolutely everyfuckingthing in their path, leaving nothing in their wake except the exoskeletons of something that may at first glance, resemble a man, that’s until he’s challenged in any way shape or form, spiritually, ethically, erectally, morally, you fuckin’ name it.  “A Real Man always remains hard, bend over and I’ll fuckin’ show you.” 

We’re living in a generation of fatherless shitheads that have been coddled, spoiled and pampered to death by their overlyprotective cougar,  milf,  soccermom, whorebags that would rather post daily galleries of selfies than be remotely fuckin’ concerned with the fact that her once straight son now prefers dicks over chicks because he never learned how to deal with the onslaught of bullshit that comes along with becoming a real man or managing the endless nonsensical carpet-bombing of diarrhea of the mouth bestowed upon him by almost every fuckin’ woman he ever has to fuckin’ deal with.  “A Real Man always loves women, and fucking women only!” 

Once again!  I’m not blaming women.  It’s not their fault.  They’re not men, they’re not wired to be men, they don’t have the necessary dna or the designation from God himself to be a man therefore aren’t fuckin’ qualified to raise a real man.  Same things goes for the mis-belief women have about women.  Every woman I’ve ever met thinks she knows more about women than men do because she is one, in spite of the fact most of them aren’t capable of ever making and sticking with a single fucking decision, not to mention the fact that they all fuckin’ hate each other and have never once had to attract, entertain, deal with and maintain one.  I’m not talking about lesbians.  They’re not fucking women, they’re men with tits and their fucking disgusting!  “A Real Man always is 100%, bitch not fucking included.” 

Women may know more about themselves personally, since they usually interrogate their own fucking feelings at least a 1000 fucking times a day, but they certainly don’t know more than a man that’s good at attracting, entertaining, dealing with and maintaining one, even her.  That’s a very specific skillset that takes years to develop and even more to master and if you’ve never once had to fucking do it then how the fuck could you possibly know anything about it?  Not to mention, how can you master a subject that you fucking hate.  No one in the history of time has ever mastered a subject they weren’t passionate about and your self-loathing ass ain’t gonna be the first.  If women didn’t fucking hate each other, they could fucking rule the world.  They think they do now, and I guess since most men act like bitches, maybe they’re right and you can clearly see where the fuck that’s getting’ us.  “A Real Man always rules his world and your bitch ass too.” 

There’s a massive fucking difference between the way people wish things were or want them to be and the way they actually fucking are.  A Real Man lives in the way it is world and most women and men that act like most fucking women live in the way things ought to be world.  Well I’m sorry to fucking break it to you, but those 2 fucking worlds have never fucking met and they never fucking will so give it a fucking rest already.  Constantly telling us that this is ok and that is fucking not and this is acceptable and that’s not politically fucking correct doesn’t fucking change shit except shameforcing people to hide what the fuck they’re still gonna fucking do anyway, only now, they’re gonna make it way fuckin’ shadier than it ever could have possibly fuckin’ been in public.  For instance, some guy walks into a bank to rob it with a gun hidden in his pocket and ends up gettin’ shot in the fuckin’ face as God intended, because he had no fucking idea that John D.’s already in the fuckin’ bank too and has been societally and unconstitutionally shamedforced into carrying concealed guns at the ready.  Now the dead’s guys family’s destroyed, and most likely some of the innocent bystanders are gonna need some fucking dry cleaning and therapy and we’re gonna have to fucking pay for it.  Who’s gonna pay for my drinks at the bar tonight?  I have no fuckin’ problem killin’ bad guys, but I do need to wash down a couple of whiskey neat’s afterwards to stifle my murderous fucking rage.  If hole in the face guy could’ve only seen my 2 guns cocked and locked, he could have changed his stupid fucking mind and the entire course of events, but your political correctness bullshit just fucked up a whole group of random people’s lives, because that’s all its fucking capable of doing.  In case you’re still missing the God damn point here, a guy who might’ve once openly stared at your fuckin’ tits, because you decided to wear a navel cut top with no bra revealing everyfuckingthing including the outer ring of your fucking nipples, now has to set up a surveillance package in your bathroom instead of just going about his day areola free.  If you stick your nipples in my face, I’m taking fuckin’ selfies with them and if you get too fuckin’ close to me, I’m nibblin’ on those motherfuckers for hours.  Don’t want me staring at your tits, put those bitches away, otherwise shut your fuckin’ beak about it.  Last example, for you exceptionally fucking slow learners.  If I’m just mindin’ my own God damn business, walkin’ down the street and some shifty eyed, crack head, nigger with his entire shit stained underwear sticking out of his pants, with tats from his forehead to his feet and an open shirt, starts bee linin’ for me, chance are, he ain’t gonna fuckin’ make it.  Now don’t get me wrong, as a responsible guns owner, I’ll certainly attempt to cross the street, go in a doorway, or whateverthefuck diffuses the situation the quickest, because I have bigger fish to fry, but I ain’t lettin’ political correctness or the stigma against profilin’ & steroypin’, coerce me into taking my fucking eyes off his sorry ass for 1 God damn second and if he gets fuckin’ froggy, he’s gettin’ a fuckin’ hollowpoint in each eye socket.  I will however pull his pants up before the news crews arrive so his mama, Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton can tell the world what a good boy her baby was in spite of his mile fucking long rap sheet, the crack rocks and stolen bloody gun in his pocket.  Still not getting’ it?  If I walk into a bar and some faggot starts aggressively hittin’ on me which has happened way more fucking times than I care to fucking remember, I always immediately tell them, as I’ve done so many other times in my life, look faggot, I don’t suck cock and you ain’t suckin’ mine, so fuck off, before I blast your ass and not in the way you’re hoping for.  If I could simply openly wear a t-shirt that says something like, no cocks allowed, fag free zone, just pussy for me thanks, so fuck off, I don’t know anything friendly like that, he could have saved his dignity and wasted his time on someone he had a fuckin’ shot with, but no, I can’t hurt his fucking feelings, be insensitive, or homophobic, but if I walked up to just about every fucking woman on fucking earth and were overly aggressive, the cops would be called or I’d get a fuckin’ beat down in the parking lot, which would be seen as a fucking hate crime against the faggot, but not fuckin’ me.  What the fuck people?  If he walked in wearing a t-shirt that said I love cock, straight men suck dick too or I just wanna be railed, you’d be throwing him a fucking parade, but everyfuckingthing I do is out of line, in poor taste and not socially acceptable.  Well you know what, fuck society!  I’ve always and will never fucking stop walking around with middle fingers up, cuz I don’t give a fuck.  “A Real Man always goes along with the crowd, to make sure they don’t fuckin come back.”

If you’re as sick and fucking tired of reverse racism from niggers you’ve never fucking whipped or disarmism from pussies you’ve never fucking shot, heteroism from faggots that hate you because you openly find their sexual preferences fucking disgusting and unnatural, misandrism from feminist cunts you never fucked or fucked over, repressionism from greedy, needy, jealous bitches so fucking uncomfortable in their own God damn skin that you have to “make love”,  missionary, in a bed with the fucking lights off and not get bored out of your fucking mind, more fucking repressionism from dead fucking lays that can’t fuckin’ understand why you may need a spank bank full interesting imagery just to engage her inabilities, Teleiophiliaism from jealous angry prudes, who have to tell themselves that you tricked the half you age, but still fucking legal hottie to be with you, because believe it or fucking not she actually fuckin’ liked you or false accusationism because some stupid fucking whore that thought you breaking into her house to rape her was a better story than the fucking truth, without any fucking eyewitnesses or evidence needed, just a God damn phone call the police?  “A Real Man always keeps it real, you’re just a fucking idiot living in a God damn fantasy.”

 Men and women are notthefuckingsame, they couldn’t possibly be any more fucking different.  Most of the woman I’ve ever personally fucking met, only think about themselves.  Most of the men I’ve ever personally fucking met, think about his people first, the people in his care, the people that depend on him for everyfuckingthing then titties, then beer, then himself, in spite of all the non-stop lies and propaganda out there telling us on a minutely fucking basis that women are the God damn nurturers.  I call bullshit!  I’m certainly not saying that most men are perfect or that any men are perfect for that matter, but there is something inherently fucking better about most men than exist in most women today.  Just examine selfies for one God damn second.  It’s the most narcissistic fucking thing you can possibly fucking do, however if you look on any social feed on the planet, women take 1000 times more selfies than men do and the men who do relentlessly post selfies are only men that are acting like most fucking women or as I like to call em’ faggots.  “A Real Man never takes his own picture, unless it’s of his cock inside of an attractive woman.” 

Out of curiosity, I Googled that shit right before I wrote it and the top 5 search results state that men post more selfies than women.  That is exactly what the fuck I’m talking about.  Google, the internet, whomeverthefuck is in charge of ranking all the fucking lies available to the world is flat out telling me that men post more selfies than women in spite of the fact that I’ve been continuously online since 1992 and seen the exact fucking opposite to the billionth fucking power with my own fucking eyes.  So what am I supposed to fuckin’ believe?  What the internet Gods tell me or what the fuck I’ve personally witnessed with my own God damn eyes for 2 fucking decades straight?  If that doesn’t scare the shit out of you, if believing what you’re told by Google, the media, politicians, celebrities and church groups is easier for you than believing what you’ve personally witnessed with your own fucking eyes, you are a fucking idiot and need to grab a live grenade, shove it up your dumb fucking ass and pull the God damn pin.  You are fucking ruining everything for the rest of us.  “A Real Man never believes anything without proof, not even fucking then.” 

I’m not asking you to be a conspiracy theorists because who the fuck has time for that shit?  It’s much easier to just not believe anyfuckingthing, ever, unless of course you personally witnessed it happening live, right in fucking front of you and even then whothefuckknows what’s really going on?  Life’s like that.  You never really fucking know, you just have to roll with the fucking punches and hope to fucking God you don’t fucking bleed to death in the process.  Unfortunately for all of us, the inmates are now running the fucking asylum and they will say and do anyfuckingthing to get us to do or buy or buy into whateverthefuck agenda they have in mind.  Don’t fucking do it, stop being a fucking sheep.  Be a real man, be strong, honest, fearless, rock out with your cock out and above all, make a positive fucking difference in your life and the lives of everyone around you and if you can’t manage to do that, please fucking kill yourself immediately, the world’ll be much better off without you.  “A Real Man never buys into conspiracies, he fucking creates them.” 

This is John D. – The ARMed Comic signing off.  Saying God bless you all that believe in something and God damn the rest of you motherfuckers. 

~ John D. – The ARMed Comic