Relationships, Responsibility - posted on July 4, 1776 by

A Real Man Defines The Top 10 Things He Learned From His Father

A Real Man

Alcoholic, Lazy, Selfish, Greedy, Soulless, Prick, yeah that’s my father.

Someone’s always watching, someone’s always keeping score.  It fuckin’ cracks me up that my father, the very person responsible for teaching me that fuckin’ lesson is the one who’ll suffer the most from it, but I guess if he would’ve thought it through, or thought anything through for that matter, he might not have taught me that particular lesson in the first god damn place.  Good thing he didn’t because I never knew while growing up that I would ever feel this way about him since I used to think he was fuckin’ superman, but the older I got, the more I saw, he was always, just a man, a man with a shit ton of flaws who wasn’t remotely interested in fixing any of them.  It used to bother the shit outta me, as a boy, but I grew the fuck up and now I’m eternally grateful for all of them, because they made me the man I’ve become and served as a constant reminder that’s helped me mold the man that I pray to God I am making out of my son every day.  “A Real Man always works on his flaws, even if you’re the fuckin’ flaw.”

It also cracks me up how people, mostly women are always preachin’ letting go and forgiveness.  There are people that have done awful things to me and I will never, ever forgive them, but I’m not losing fucking sleep about it, it isn’t tearing my ass apart and I rarely ever fuckin’ think about any of it because I’m always too god damn busy workin’ my dick off doing my part to contribute to humanity.  People with too much fucking time on their hands sit around whinin’ about shit, A Real Man just keeps movin’ the fuck forward.  And for those of you that think that’s not very Christian of me, as usual, as A Real Man, I don’t give a shit what you think.  If an eye for an eye were that law of the land as it should be, my father would have his soul ripped out through his asshole, because when you completely ignore your children that’s exactly what the fuck you do to them.  And since you’re probably wondering, do I hate my father?  The answer is of course not, because that would require energy on my part which I’m not giving him, I just don’t have any feelings for him.  That’s all.  He might as well be a complete stranger because that’s what he’s always been.  You can either accept things as they are or drive yourself fuckin’ nuts. “A Real Man always forgives, the dead.”

I want you to picture this, I’m like 10 years old sitting in the living room watching football, which I fucking hated, but I was actually doing something with my father, who was home for a change because football was on, my 100lb mother was outside in Florida, cutting the grass in 90 degree heat, with a push mower, while my father was sitting his lazy ass on his leather recliner, in the air conditioning, drinking beer by the gallons. My mom comes in about to drop dead from heat exhaustion, sweatin’ like a nigger in a cotton field from head to toe and he looks up at her with a straight fuckin’ face and I shit you not,  says to her, “while you’re up, grab me a beer.”  Are you fucking kidding me right now?  How she didn’t go to the kitchen drawer and grab a butchers knife and cut his dick off and ram it down his fuckin’ throat, I will never, ever understand.  What makes his behavior even more prickish, is the fact that as his personal child slave, whenever he was home, it was always my job to grab him a fuckin’ beer, no matter what I was doing or if I was even in the fucking room for that fuckin’ matter, but I could never walk in front of the TV, during a play without getting my face ripped off.  He could have just as easily told me to go get the beer since I got the last 50 today, but it was more important to him to demean this poor woman for no good god damn reason.  “A Real Man never lets his wife cut the grass, trim her bush yes, cut the grass no.”

Once upon a time, before political correctness obliterated everything in America, The YMCA had this incredibly awesome fucking program I was in with my dad for a month or so.  It was the Indian version of the boy scouts which I was also only in for only a month or so, called the Indian Guides, which is now called the Adventure Guides, now that’s fucking gay, but if it hadn’t been in that one program for that one month outta my life, I would still, to this day think all Indians were evil fuck scalping assholes.  I mean seriously, that’s all I learned in the public school system, but then Kevin Costner, later showed me the error of my ways with dances with wolves.  Thank you Kevin.  So I’m like 8 years old and I’m on one of the greatest adventures of my entire life.  I’m on a weekend camping trip with my dad.  Yeah, I couldn’t fucking believe it either.  Now don’t get too impressed, it only happened 1 or 2 times tops.  I had a flashlight in my hands, I was runnin’ through the woods with my friends & we were eatin’ bbq burgers and hot dogs, it was absolute perfection, right up until it was time to leave.  I’m not really sure why we left so late at night, but I can only imagine there was a football game on the next mornin’ and back then you couldn’t just watch football in the middle of the woods so my father suddenly decided it was time to go.  Only 1 problem, it was like 10pm and he’d been drinking since 8am.  The next lesson I learned from my father is that when you’re too drunk to drive, you simply make the 8 year old, whose never driven a day his life and can’t reach the fuckin’ peddles, get behind the wheel of a 5000lb vehicle, hurl it down a highway with no streetlights on it, in the middle of the night at 75 mph and pray to God you make it home.  I don’t think I’d ever been so scared before or since.  “A Real Man never drives drunk, and he doesn’t make his fucking kids drive his drunk ass around either.”

Too this day, I can’t tell you if we were in the federal witness protection program, the grass was always greener or if my parents were just smoking the grass, but for some fucking reason, we moved 36 times before my 18th birthday between Los Angeles, Miami and Tampa.  I literally thought trees grew out of concrete till I was 18.  As fun and exciting as all that sounds, it was fucking awful.  I want you to imagine being a 90lbs soak and wet, white, toe head, mama’s boy, jumping back and forth from all black schools in the hood to yuppy, Porsche drivin’ coke snortin’ jock riddled, preppy schools 2 or 3 times a year, your entire childhood.  I didn’t fit in anywhere and every time I made a friend or a girlfriend, I lost them immediately.  I had to learn to make friends at lightning speed and completely disconnect from them even faster, yet for some reason, no matter where we went, my father spent every night of his life out at bars making new friends.  Why would you wanna come home, you only have a young, lonely wife and 2 kids that need you there and will be part of your life forever?  Well 2 outta 3 ain’t bad, I try not to spend any time whatsoever with my father and if you keep watchin’ this video, I’ll give you a hundred reasons why.  “A Real Man always spends time with his family, bar fly’s are not fucking family.”

You ever see someone constantly lie, constantly slip about lying and never once getting called out on it?  Now I don’t know what delusional spell my father has over my mother, but he and my mom met when he was only 16 and according to her, they’ve been attached at the hip ever since, that’s if you don’t count the 1st 18 years of my life where he was at a bar with the boys 4.5 nights a week and off fishing with the boys 2.5 days per week.  That left just about, oh yeah, no fucking time at all left to spend with the family he made and abandoned to keep himself out of Vietnam.  Now I am in no way saying that any man should’ve looked forward to going to Vietnam, but I will say this, I was born in this country, unlike my father who was born in Cuba, then fled to America to find a better life, instead of manning up and fixing his own country, but I still signed up for delayed enlistment in the United States Air Force during the Gulf War.  I wasn’t volunteering to die by any stretch of the imagination, because I never learned duty, honor or courage from my father, but I knew it was a possibility, however remote.  If I had it to do all over again, I would have been a marine, to accelerate the years it took me to man the fuck up.  Now back to the sea of lies.  In the very limited amount of time I spent with my father, I heard story after story after fucking story of this chick he banged and that chick he banged and on and on and fucking on, but if he was truly glued to my mom’s side since he was 16 and married with 2 babies by 18 to avoid serving in the military, he was either lightyears ahead of his time with the ladies in a day and age where bitches weren’t tossin’ pussy around like used gum wrappers or he’s a lying, cheating piece of shit.  My money’s on the latter.  “A Real Man never lies, that’s what women are for.”

Now let’s pretend moving your child around 36 times in 18 years, crisscrossing the country is hard on their grade point average, you know since schools don’t fucking talk to each other and every state does things totally different.  As you can imagine, between that, being 115lbs and having no self-esteem,  confidence, or advice whatsoever with girls, other than fuck everyone I can, the fact that guys are dicks, life sucks or anyfuckingthing else for that matter, I didn’t graduate highschool.  Shocker, I know.  Hell, I never even finished high school, mostly since I skipped almost every single day of my senior year, well what they were calling my senior year to not hurt my feelings, because according to the Florida school system, the last place we finally stopped moving, if I went to day, night and summer school for 2 years and didn’t fail 1 class, I could graduate high school somewhere around my 20th birthday.  Fuck that!  I decided instead to get a job, make some money and get as far away from these people as humanly possible.  You may be wondering about my mom in all of this.  For reasons I’ll never understand, my mom didn’t do a god damn thing to fix this situation.  My dad was never home and she separated from him at least 5 or 6 times that I can remember, but every time they got back together, he went right back to doing the same old shit.  Too this day, my mom still defends everything my father ever did which makes it impossible to be close to her.  She just let it happen and before you knew it, I completely lost the ability to give a shit.  She always uses her childhood as an excuse for my childhood and so do I, the only difference is, I decided to use my childhood as a lesson to make me a better person and a better father and her childhood just gave her all the excuses ever needed to allow whateverthefuck happened to happen, something I can never forgive her for.  “A Real Man always plants roots, or gets fucking planted.”

So I take it upon myself to get a Good Enough Diploma, but only because the Air Force wouldn’t take me without one and 2 years of fucking college.  For someone who hated school as much as I did, I was so motivated to get the fuck away from the 2 most selfish people I ever met in my entire life that would have done anything to make it happen.  Don’t worry folks, I was just a kid when all this shit went down and I’m blazin’ through this shit as fast as I can, I still have 20 more years’ worth of shit to share with you, just not in this video.  I bought a book, a GED study guide that was 3 times larger than the bible with my own money with every intention of studying it, got about 10 pages in and tossed that mother fucker out the window on Alligator alley on the way to visit my father’s family, the second most selfish mother fuckers on earth.  I figured, I’ll take my chances without wasting the next 6 months studying to expedite getting the fuck outta here and lo and behold I actually passed that bitch.  I couldn’t fucking believe it either.  Then I went to community college, had to drop and swap some of my classes like philosophy because I wanted to punch the instructor in the face for being a total douche, but eventually I gathered enough credits for Uncle Sam to take me and I got my ass on a plane and got the fuck outta dodge.  The moment I got on that plane was the most important moment in my entire life.  I was becoming a man and I was doing it to myself for myself.  Guess who showed up to visit me when I graduated basic training.  No fucking body.  Guess who showed up to visit me when I graduated Tech school, me the kid who couldn’t get a high school diploma!  No fucking body.  Guess who’ll be at my parents funerals when they die.  Everybody, but me.  “A Real Man is always there for his family, but only if the fucking deserve it.”

6 years later, with me barely talking to my parents the whole time I was gone, because I was trying to erase all the damage done by their unbelievable selfishness, my wife whom I was just about to divorce got pregnant with my one and only son and in spite of the fact that I was a very successful Radio, NightClub & Mobile DJ, making more money than I ever thought possible, I decided to walk away from it all and move him back home to be raised in a stable environment surrounded by Family, mine and my wife’s.  My wife had major medical problems and even though we were able to keep our shit together with just the 2 of us, there was no way in fuck we would manage on our own with a baby.  Had it ever crossed my mind that my parents wouldn’t even show up at his birth in a timely manner because it disrupted my dad’s pool time or whatever the fuck else they were doing that day or make any effort whatsoever to stop bye and visit their only straight baby grandson ever, or offer to babysit him every now and then so I could take my wife out or keep an help eye on him once in a while so I could work, to pay for food, or anything at all that even remotely resembled giving a fuck about him, acting like my parents or his grandparents, I would’ve stayed put and hired strangers to help us, at least I could afford it then.  Our last option rest with my wife’s family and they weren’t worth a fuck either, so as it turns out, I scrapped my greatest chance at success in life at 27 for no god damn reason at all and I’ve been paying for it ever since.  When you’re raised exclusively by a woman that only trains you to have hope in spite of any evidence that there’s anything worth hoping for, you’re totally fucked and I most certainly was.  The problems started, almost as soon as I got back.  I tried to be in my parents lives, I tried to get them to at least act like they loved me, I tried to get them to visit their grandson, but they always had more important things to do, like play on their computers, or new phones or go visit my sister and her kids every fucking weekend, or sit by the pool drinking beer or go down to Miami to see the second most selfish family on earth.  “A Real Man always does what’s right for his family, his fucking family.”

As soon as I finally came to terms that I made a huge fucking mistake throwing away an amazing start to a potentially incredible career, my parents put the final nail in my coffin.  They moved away, with no warning whatsoever, but wait it gets even better.  By the time they moved away, I had been running a business I started, that was now doing very well.  So well in fact that I kept saying, I’m making so much money I can’t spend it all.  Well as it turns out, that was all the most selfish mother fucker ever born needed to hear.  So my dad calls me up outta the blue one day and asks me to come see him down in Miami.  Was this it?  Was he finally gonna acknowledge me as a human being and maybe even possibly his son, were we finally gonna have a relationship?  Of course not.  He just needed money or more specifically, my money.  My dad gave me an offer I couldn’t refuse, especially if I was a fucking moron.  So I drove for 5 hours to see him, you know the same son of a bitch that had enough money to drink 6 hours worth of beer at the mall one day when we were there Christmas shopping, but couldn’t bring himself to pay for 1 soda for me, my mom or my sister, you know the ones walking all over the god damn mall buying shit for him and his worthless family and what did I get for all that fucking driving?  He wanted me to co-sign on a loan, in order to fund a u-haul franchise he had only thought about getting into a few days earlier.  Ok, let’s review the facts, you’ve never done shit for me, you’ve never been there for me and you’ve never owned your own business.  How can I possibly refuse?  So as a smart businessman, I thought to myself, well as long as I get the controlling interest in this business, he and his partner do all of the work, all financial & business decisions go through me, since I’m the only one here with a proven track record of business and financial success and the credit needed to make shit happen, what harm could come from it?  He immediately countered with, we just want your credit rating, you aren’t getting anything and I’m your father, so why would you ask for anything?  I swear to God, I’m not making this shit up.  That’s when I laughed my balls off, jumped back in my truck and drove another 5 hours to get back home in time for dinner.  “A Real Man Always helps his family, as long as they act like fucking family.”

I’m John D. The Rated ARM Comic and I hope to god that you got something out of The Top 10 Things I Learned from my father, especially a good laugh at my expense.  As A Real Man, I’m obligated to show you what a shitty father looks like and inspire you to not fucking be one.  Being a father is the most important god damn thing you’ll ever do and if you do it right, America will be a much better place.  Don’t be a shit head, always be A Real Man and we’ll see ya next time.  “A Real Man always Subscribes, Likes, Comments And Shares or keeps sucking cock.”

~ John D. – The Rated ARM Comic

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